Footprints in the Sand

Desire Part 2: The Pathway to Purpose

2011-09-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

I'd like to follow up on the theme of desire as it manifests itself in our life purpose. I just finished this book entitled "Pathway to Purpose" and it was life changing. I almost didn't read it because i was like, "i am tired and do not want to even think about my future," and it seemed kind of a like a cheesy commercial Christian self-help book. Oddly enough, most of the book was about how to enjoy God and your life where you are right now in hopes of the revealing of your purpose at some time in the future. Bingo. That is what i needed to hear. The chapters on forgetting your past, operating optimally in your current roles, peace and surrender spoke to me the most. This book and other things in my life has kind of freed me from the destination thinking...to be present and enjoy the life and place that I am right now.

I was with a group of women last night and alot of us were thinking about a verse in the psalm 57 "the lord will fulfill his purposes for me." Is that really true though? We asked ourselves... Can we REALLY trust God? Is He actually doing something while I am waiting and longing and in a place/job/situation which seems like a stand still and very far from my heart's desires. Or we ask, how did i get here? Is this a mistake? I think i am supposed to be somewhere else. OR When am I going to finally be doing what i desire? Psalm 57 also talks about finding refuge in the Lord, Him sending help from heaven to save us and Awaking to worship and exalt his name. I am tempted to rest in God while i wait for my purpose to revealed. I am inclined to believe he is rescuing me even now (sending his angels to minister to me) and i feel lead to awake to the life, joy and peace he has given to me today and praise him for it.

Last night, it seemed most of us had desires to be doing more, something else, something within us that has gone unfulfilled that were were working on, working out, hoping for or waiting on. Sometimes, i think about my life, "this must be a mistake, i think i am supposed to be working somewhere else, doing something more meaningful, making more money." Surely, there has been some mistake. But these days, i have just stopped worrying about it, and have stopped searching for a destination in my life and career and abandon myself to the journey...to the present moment...to the life God has given me today. I must remind myself that life is a journey, a path and I am exactly where i am mean to be right now. It's hard and a daily struggle, but that change in perspective has been freeing.

In my journey, i am always reminded of Joseph, Issac's son who had two dreams that he would be great when he was a boy, but he was not in his position until years later (over 15 years later). In between his vision and fulfillment was betrayal, being sold into slavery, working as a slave, being accused of sexual abuse, and then jail, interpreting dreams and then being left behind. All of this happened before he was ruler of Egypt. As i think of Joseph's story, my own life and my conversation last night....I ask what is all of the in between for God? I am ready to be second only to the King. I can use some work in the area of humility folks (and I am reminded of the scripture, to not think more highly of yourself then you ought). But am i really ready? No. If i were, would I be here. I think God is more concerned with our character than our career and more concerned with us knowing Him then us fulfilling His purposes for our lives. How would we know him as a healer unless we had heart ache and brokenness, how would we know him as our peace unless we experienced chaos, would we learn to trust him if he gave us everything we wanted right away, if he gave us a husband, would be know that he is the one who loves us perfectly and is the desire of our soul? How else would be know these things, if he did not teach us through our lives, our longings, our past, our pain and in our wanting and waiting. He is forming us into the image of his Son through our everyday lives. While Joseph was a servant and in prison, he was being prepared for his destiny. God was building his character, strengthening his faith, refining his skills, using him to bless people and getting his mind and heart renewed and ready to serve at a higher level of responsibility. And with that perspective, i humbly say, "Lord, i have so much to learn" I know that i am not ready. To this, i respond with the prayer of: teach me what I am to learn at this moment and in this place. Help me to not be a grumbling Israelite wondering in the wilderness when you have provided for me along the way and before me lies a land flowing with milk and honey.

I heard a sermon a few months ago about Joseph's journey in which the preacher likened Joseph's journey to our own discipleship journey...going from a self-centered view of our purpose and life to a God-centered view. A more God centered view would be focusing on God and not our current situation, believing that he is working in us and working out the situation and surrendering to what our life is right now....and choosing to enjoy the lessons and destination we are right now. It's saying, "not my will, but thy will be done," and trusting that God's will is good and way better than our own. His timing is far better than ours as well. So we wait in hope and expectation, but with intention and paying attention to what he is saying to us right now.

Secondly, he emphasized that it is our job to be in step with Christ and discern whether this is a time of relationship (deepening our relationship to Christ, building new ones with people or working on rebuilding those from the past) or rulership (God increasing our level of responsibility). For me a time of relationship, deepening my relationship with God through silence, rest and awareness, healing from my past and going down deep into those relationships that i currently have. Knowing this, i have been able to resist some of the urges to grab...to get what is mine, to want more, better and faster. By the grace of God, for once, my heart is at peace with the now and it has been beautiful to see how God has met me here and spoken so much to me, so much freedom, so much healing. I am glad I have stayed still long enough to listen.

I will leave you with this quote

"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path....exactly where you are meant to be right now...And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love"

---Caroline Adams

The Heart's Desires

2011-09-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about desire lately..both sexually and even more so, the desires of my soul. I am not sure how I got on the topic, but i have been trying to understand and dig up the core of my own lately. I suppose it all came about when i was thinking, meditating on the following quotes/scripture:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4

"Becoming is an inside out job. Instead of the busy pace of acquiring skills and knowledge, becoming involves slowing down and connecting with the desires, values and hopes that are often buried underneath the load of duties and obligations and responsibilities. Becomings is a process...one that takes attention and intention if we are to grow a life that flourishes and is fruitful." (i don't know who wrote this)

The place to which God calls you is where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. {Frederick Buechner}

To know what you prefer instead of humbly staying Amen to what the world tells you you ouught to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive? {Robert Luis Stevenson}

When i read these, i think "What are the desires of my heart?" and that question makes me want to know those more, so that i can own them, pursue them, live out of them and ultimately give them back to God (since i think he has placed them in me) to say, what am i to do with these or how are YOU going to fulfill these or meet me in my longing.Some of my core ones are like most peoples, to be loved, to be known, to know others, to be in community, for my life to have meaning and significance (to have touched people, encouraged them, loved them well and made the world a better place). But uniquely, i desire to live life to the fullest (fully engaged, fully myself, maximizing my potential and full of joy and contentment) and to guide others in their journey to discovering themselves, their uniqueness, to become who God has made them to be and who they have only dreamed of becoming. I love the idea of helping people find their voice and figuring out where and how to use it. Secondly, i love the idea of redemption and renewal. It's why i wanted to be involved in community development...to be like Nehemiah and go to those broken places and rebuild the ruins. I want to be a part of that, to take places and people that are broken, downtrotten and dismissed and re-imagine them, to be a bearer of life, light and hope and ultimately to be a helper on their road to renewal. My profession as a City Planner, has made me think about and desire that in places, but my life, experience in creating and putting together poetry readings and listening to people's stories around the world (of brokenness and renewal) has made me want to do that with people. To listen to their stories, help them find God in their stories and in themselves, help them find their true self, values, desires and help them to live life out of it (helping them meet their goals). What does that mean? i dont know, i am thinking of being a life coach, but my vison is more than that. Its more than meeting goals..its about purpose, uniqueness, healing and proclaiming renewal....all in the name of Jesus.

I love to hear the desires of other peoples hearts and learn about God from them. I broched this topic in my small group last week and it was beautiful that we could share our hearts desires with one another. And some people were nervous and afraid to share because, then its out there and you are kind of accountable to it or you have admitted your vulnerability (that always hurts in public). I have avoided longing and desire most of my life, because its like a soul ache and what do you do with that? But as i learn to be more mindful and present in my life and emotions, it makes me want to sit with my longings and not be afraid of them. To give them to God to care for, to give God my whole heart, self and life to care for. I think i have been afraid of longng for two reasons:1) I am afraid of being disappointed if they are not met, or getting miserable or bitter while i am waiting for them to be met and 2) I am afraid that the longing will overwhelm or destroy me. I think we all hate pain, we avoid it at all costs, but isnt that kind of what longing is, a soul ache and sexually a physical ache for something more, for the fulfillment of something we have had a vision for or fortaste of and we want more. My natural inclinaton is to stuff things down or avoid them, so that i can get through life without being disappointed. I find something wrong with that though, because as a Christian, aren't we suppposed to be a people of longing (for the kindgom and christ) and fully commited to and pursuing hope? Dont we live in the point in history of the already (the kingdom has already come in one sense) and the not yet (there is a greater fullness to be manifested). So i have decided to follow my longings (my holy ones), to sit with my unholy ones and let them be and go as they come, to pursue the desires of my heart and see where they take me , to be a person living out of desire and hope.

In all of this, i have been thinking about Marriage, whether it is something i really want, and i am still not sure. On some level, i really just want to have sex and to not be alone, but does that i truly desire to get married? On another level, i think i am just scared to give and commit myself fully to another....for the rest of my life (yikes). Ultimately, i have come to the conclusion that marriage is a wonderful gift from God, that teaches us like no other relationship on earth about unity and love. I am open to receiving this as a gift if God wants to give it, but really if it's just a metaphor for God's love and pursuit of us, i want to first get a fortaste of the real love, unity and intimacy that comes from knowing Christ. Because, what i really long for is God, to be known and touched on a deeper level....to be pursued, to be delighted in, to have someone to trust, guide me, to rest in and walk with through life. If i can have that with God, the way i figure it.....marriage is just icing on the cake. Well then, i want my cake, i want to eat it too and i want icing on it. Yes God, i'd like to order a big chunk of that and i am not afraid to order it, because even if you do not bring me what i expect, i know whatever you bring to me table will be good and in the end I will not be disappointed.

Present Moment...Wonderful Moment

2011-09-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to practice mindfulness, to be more aware and present in my own life and body. To relish the present moment, to remember that I am alive and notice that i am walking, breathing, seeing, experiencing and feeling. I was introduced to the practice while I volunteering at drug rehabilitation center in Thailand which happened to practice meditation and mindfulness as part of their treatment...and i wanted more of it. TO BE PRESENT IN MY LIFE!!! Something about the thought makes me realize the difference between actually living and just being alive...between thriving and barely surviving or between joy and dissatisfaction.

See, i am always in my head, in the past(replaying it or brooding over it) or in the future (worrying, planning and preparing for it) , but rarely am i experiencing and enjoying the fullness of the present moment...where i am at this point in my life. I am always wanting to be somewhere else (better job, new place, more accomplished) or someone else (wanting to change myself). I am trying to learn how to slow down and just "be." Be present in all of the places and roles that God has placed me in right now today.

Recently, on my way to work, i try pay attention, to be present in my body, see all the old things in a new way, feel my feet pressing against pavement, the breeze against my face, look at the trees and plants all around me (all the life and aliveness i have been ignoring). I take a whiff of the lavender i pass every day, touch a leaf, count the different types of plants and trees i am seeing. I notice: the street names, the models and makes of cars, the people i pass and the houses and signs in a new way. In some ways, this new seeing has awakened me to the beauty and slender of life....and it has been beautiful.

"God holds out an invitation to us - an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol [and simply BE]." Desmond Tutu

Fighting the Good Fight

2011-07-14T13:40:00.001-07:00

I am not sure how i navigated back my blog, but somehow i got back here today. Its lovely to see in writing where we have come from. I beleive that i started this blog on the first days as an intern in my current department 6 years ago. Since then, ive graduated, moved to NY, come back, got a full time job here, started a youth leadership development program, won employee of the year for the department, started a poetry event, went around the world, came back here to C'ville in my job, contemplated leaving and went through a highly selective process to do so, declined and now i am just chilling. Alot happens in 6 years.

Its been more than year and a half since i last blogged. I kind of miss blogging, so I am going to start writing again. I think it will help me process this season of calm and rest that i am in. I have come to realize many things recently, mostly that you have to fight for your sanity, mental, spiritual and emotional health and your sense of rest. Usually i have to fight with myself about these things.

New Years Regret

2009-12-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

On the eve of new years last
I wish I would have stayed home
I might have been alone
But I would have been $60 richer, 12 hours more productive and 40 degrees warmer

What I really wanted to do was see the infamous ball drop in New York City
But what idiot would dare
Willingly be stuck in a cold and crowded times square
Standing outside all day for 10 seconds of hip hop hurray
Maybe another day I say

But I was determined to party
I declare this will be an evening to clean my plate of boredom
I am tired of that night being so full of hot air
It was time to get rid of the bloating and burp with bliss

For as far back as I could remember, I did nothing unique
Maybe celebrate with a a drink
Maybe praying for a good year at church
Maybe crying over last years mistakes and hurts

So I drove 3 hours to be with friends and we went out
BustBoys and Poets was gonna be on an poppin without a doubt
We walked in feeling confident and looking cute
All of us had on dresses and knee length boots

At the first stop
We eat fancy food and took free shots
Too many lame people were up in this spot
Next stop

The shuttle to the 14th street location and that rocked
I was at home in a sea of cropped tops and dreadlocks
We dropped it like it was hot
Till my head was spinning and I had to stop
into a seat I dropped

I looked out and here is the scene
A table full of ordeuvres and liquor and a girl at is side throwing up green
Another girl riding on shoulders
Her friends staggering with a drink in one hand and the other attempting to hold her

I just remember sitting in a booth
Being in a room with people who had drank too much
Wondering why I wanted to start a new year with such debauchery and ruckus
I guess being able to tell people I did something fun was a costly plus

So I drank more champagne
Acted like I was having fun
But I felt lame
Except for 3 people, nobody even new my name

All the same
Making this a memorable evening was weighing heavy on my brain
But looking back
It was an evening marred with disappointment
A hard to remove stain

It was all poignantly purposeless
And the memory of new years 2009
I stack away with a declaimer in my mind with this line
This was the day that I was so determined not to be a plain Jane
That I spent too much money investing hours of my prime
In a waist of time

The Only Constant

2009-12-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

My friend sent me this writing prompt which tasked one to list your major accomplishments for the year as we approach a new year. So I started to list some. They mostly pertained to work or personal goals. It was kind of cool to see that even though most days we are stuck in the everyday muck and mundaneness of life, I got some cool things done. This prompted me to open the letter I write to myself every new years about what happened last year and my goals for the upcoming year. I was encouraged to see I achieved a number of my goals (although most I did not even attempt), but the beautiful thing is see the amazing things that happened this year that I couldn't’t have expected. Places I went, answered prayers, things I made happen, other things that happened to me. I also realized how many things also remain the same. So many of the things I wrote about last year are still so pertinent that I could easily write those same words today. Change is slow and steady at the same time. Every year I grow more into myself, I fill my shoes, I blossom, I fall and I fail. I realize (as a self reflective person) that as familiar that I am with myself, so much of who I am feels like a complete stranger to me. So I look forward to getting acquainted with whatever new elements of self that arrive on the scene in 2010.

I think I am going to add another element to the annual letter to myself this year. It will be about what I have learned this year, about the world, about myself and the things I still need to learn. I hoping that a number of the elements in my life will be drastically different in the next 12 months, maybe not but I doubt I will remain unchanged. That’s what I am looking forward to the most, change. It’s the only thing that’s constant.

Marching Onward

2009-12-07T19:56:00.000-08:00

(A response to William Meredith's a Major Work)

Death is hard to live through
Life we cease to understand
Failure is something we fear
And how we loved is all we remember in the end.

But whether from a flash of inspiration
Or a divine hand
The heart, mind and soul converge
And the body marches onward

5 Haikus

2009-12-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving

Give thanks for blessings
Eat turkey greens and stuffing
Enjoy your kinfolk

Bursting Inside

I'm bored and restless
Energy bursting inside
Mind and Body Tired

Artists II

Poets paint words
Singers spring sound on deaf poems
Painters sing in hues

A true story

Walked into a bar
Wham! I fell on my face Damn!
I ran out the door

Plankton

On the tops of waves
Reaching toward the sun rays
Perched in a green haze

The Artist

2009-12-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

The Artist

Songs are soothing to the soul
Poems are tantalizing to the mind
Dance and Theater bring our dormant limbs and stories alive
And Paintings and Pictures freeze the beautiful in time
But whether from divine inspiration
or the need to create
Art is born
And our hearts are moved with imagination

I'll be an artist sometime soon!!!

2009-11-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

Something funny happened to me today. One of my co-workers randomly said, hey Ebony, you ever think about doing something more artistic. You seem too creative to be a planner. I said, huh, I've been thinking the same thing lately. I think I'll be an artist sometime soon. Whatever that means.

So what does that mean? I don't know, but i think i will spend the next few months thinking about how i can be more creative and then finding something that allows me to do whatever that is for pay. How about that.

Just stuff going through my head

2009-11-02T04:42:00.000-08:00

Julia/Julia

I had the pleasure of seeing Julia/Julia. Its about a women who had a crappy job and wants something to look forward to daily and something to finish (she never finishes anything). She loves to cook, so she decides to work through Julia Child's 700 page cookbook in a year. So she does and finishes (and blogs about it and gets a following). It also chronicles Julia Child's life. While in France she falls in love with french cuisine, goes to cooking school and becomes a cooking icon. The movie was good, but the message i got was - find something you absolutely love, resolve to do it as much or often as you can, share it with the world and it will turn out to shape you (and the world) in ways you would have never imagined.

Living by Standards

I met this guy that other day, who was a man of standards. An activist and atheist. He lives by his beliefs which i appreciate. He thought driving was bad for the environment so he doesn't have a car (even though he lives in one of the coldest places in the US). He believes that animal testing, slaughter and agribusiness is wrong, bad for our bodies, economy and the environment so he is a vegan. Involved in the anti war movement he actively marches, engages in protest and has been to jail often. I appreciate people who have beliefs, live by them and their lives and behaviors are altered by those standards. I come into contact with so few people who live like that. So few Christians who live radically.

I also find it interesting that most people would also appreciate and respect that he feels strongly about the things he cares about, encourages people to care about them too and believes they are right and important. They shape his behavior. But many scarf at Christians that feel strongly about their beliefs, encourage people to believe them too and whose lives are different because of them. He probably would too.

Who Can I Run To?

2009-10-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

I don’t think that we understand the weight of Hell and the reality of the fate of the wicked (unredeemed). But I don’t think beating people over the head with the fact that they are bound for hell is the answer. Because people are suffering now, nobody cares about some eternal fate. Maybe this world is hell and the Kingdom of God is Heaven. A stark contrast still. I definitely want to be a part of the kingdom the Christ talks about. That’s probably better motivation. But in the short term, most people want to know how to live with purpose and fulfillment now. I do not think people become Christians because they want to avoid hell, and one who does is probably only motivated by compulsion and guilt. I do not think God wants us to live like that. It would be a cool survey to ask people who are committed Christians why they follow Christ and ask them to give a personal/non-religious answer.

So I will start with myself. Ebony, why do you follow Christ? I think because in this chaotic and crazy world it helps to have a standard and stability from an outside source. I need something or someone to sustain me through my life, I need power and strength that I do not posses within myself, some truth to hold onto, and fulfillment and purpose to strive for, otherwise life seems meaningless. I also understand that when left to my own devices how ugly I have the propensity of being. I need a transformed life, a transformed heart and mind. I want to be better than I am right now and I can’t do that by myself. Lastly, my favorite story in the bile is that of the women at the well, because Christ says to a women seeking water at a well everyday, that he can offer a wellspring and will quench her thirst. That’s what I am looking for, a wellspring that will quench my thirst and I don’t think anything or anyone on earth can provide me with that. So I follow Christ because I thirst and I believe there is nothing or no one else that can actually quench it, but God. There is a song by the group Escape entitled “Who can I run to?” that sort of gets at the essence of this. Though it’s about a man, I think we all at some time have these same questions. And the answer is not in a man, woman, career or even our life’s purpose, but hidden in Christ.

"Who can I run to?"

As I stand here contemplating,
On the right thing to decide.
Will I take the wrong direction,
All my life,
where will I go,
What lies ahead of me?

I have strong determination,
And I'm not afraid of change.
I have yet to find that someone,
Who would care to satisfy me,
To stay right by me.

[Chorus:]

Who can I run to,
To share this empty space?
Who can I run to,
When I need love?
Who can I run to,
To fill this empty space with laughter?
Who can I run to,
When I need love?

And my mind is so confusing,
Who would be that special one?
Everyday I'm trying to find you,
All along, I've got to know,
Is there a place for me?

I know love has many names,
And a message very clear.
All it takes is time and patience,
To bring you near,
But look at me, tell me

[Repeat Chorus]

Am I Really Evil?

2009-10-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about evil. I’m in this bible study and we are going through the Truth Project, and we are talking about the cosmic battle between good and evil. How we have a misconception that man is inherently good. On the contrary, the bible says that man in this fallen world is inherently evil. I think that the average person would not see themselves as evil. Why? Because we associate evil with the extremely bad, twisted and disturbed, like Hitler, Terrorists, Serial Killers of somebody like that. I think most people would say they commit sin and do bad things, but evil or wicked seems kind of extreme doesn’t it.

Although I think there is a spectrum (meaning some things are worst than others), most likely our definition of evil must be a bit off if God sees fallen man as evil and we think we are generally good people who occasionally do bad things. I think at the basic level evil its being disobedient and rebellious toward the ways, order, authority and purposes of God. How did sin start? Adam didn’t kill anyone, he was disobedient. That is when we do evil in God’s sight. Humanity basically wants to do what it wants to do and wants to follow our own desires. Isn’t that the story of Israel? Isn’t every other page in the old testament about God saying this is how to live, what you should do, what you were made for, trust me and Israel continually went their own way. And the Old Testament continually says “and they did what was evil in the eyes of the Lord.” If we define evil in a spiritual sense is disobedience toward some principle of God, I think we would see ourselves as we really are, with evil and rebellious hearts, hating God’s order and preferring our own (however destructive and unproductive it is).

If we look around at the war, famine, disease and poverty going on throughout the world we would agree, that man is pretty evil and selfish. How about the sad part is that we do not even know the depravity of our own hearts. God does, and that is why he has purposed to give new hearts and minds to those who submit to him. That’s why we need his word to store in our hearts and minds, so that we can replace our evil thoughts and desires (which are embedded in lies) with God’s truth. So I think my prayer will be that God actually show me the wickedness in my heart so that I can see myself for who I really am and go to him to be changed.

What is Truth?

2009-10-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

So i am doing this bible study called the Truth Project. Its essentially about examining God's truth and how it applies to every area of our lives. One of the first questions is: What is truth? And there were a number of answers but the truth project came up with something similar to "God's view of reality." So truth is reality, but not our reality, because our reality is skewed by our limited view of life and situations, our feelings, sin and environment. God is not limited, has created all and has a perfect view of reality. So truth begins and ends with him. So I suppose we will be looking at God's truth over 12 weeks as a way to gaze into his face and be transformed. One who has seen the face of God can not help but be transformed. Transformed people (see all in the bible that came into the presence of God) change the world. What if we really lived according to God's truth?All of this reminds me of a poem i heard a few months ago. It was bout truth and reality. Like truth being God will supply all of your needs -- reality is you are hungry with no money. Anyway lesson one ended in -- do you really believe that what you believe is really real? And to follow up, do you actions exhibit that?

2nd thing i have been thinking about is what would my life look like if i made God a priority. I feel like a Martha, distracted by busyness and i need to be a Mary, at the feet of Jesus. Once i make things a priority they usually happen. So if i thought about my relationship with God, like i thought about being healthy and exercise, I'd be in better spiritual shape. I plan my day around exercise, whether i go in the morning or evening. I wake up at 5:30 am many mornings to go to the gym. I try to incorporate it into my everyday life (like i walk to work) and am as active as i can. I try to eat healthy as much as i can and limit the amount of junk i take in.

So if i transferred that into my spiritual life - I would wake up early to be with God, I would structure my day around it, I would do it as much as possible, I would try to incorporate it throughout my everyday life and I would make it a constant goal to ingest good spiritual food.

As a friend once told me, i can only focus on about 3 things to at a time (and at that time being a good friend wasn't one of them to his chagrin). Because i usually set my priorities for the season. So this fall/winter, I think I will make God a priority and have that shape my time. I'll let you know how that's working for me, but i believe I wont regret it. I was encouraged by my email devotional this morning (my mother signed me up for this without my knowledge, but most days its good).

"Be at peace and take opportunities to rest in Me. For, it is time for you to be refreshed and renewed in your body, soul and spirit. Be deliberate in your decisions to come into My presence to find restoration and healing. Don't hesitate. Come often. Set aside time to be quiet and seek My face, says the Lord. You will not regret it. Come!"

Psalm 37:5-8 Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret--it only causes harm.

Small Town Living

2009-10-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

I've decided after 6 years that i actually like small town living. How about that. I like being able to walk home from work and run into about 10-15 people. Where i live is probably like 1 degree of separation. So within my l.5 mile walk home i wave, stop and chat, run into people i need to call or want to do business with. Its kind of nice. To Be Continued. I have to go now.

Thanks for Listening

2009-09-29T12:36:00.001-07:00

Today has been a day of answered prayers. Small prayers but amazing how God knows and listens to your heart.

Spiritual Life

Last night, I was frustrated and aggravated about many things. So randomly a friend of mine called me up to follow up with some details we discussed a month prior and BAM!!!, we started talking about how I was doing, my relationship with God (strained), prayer life (lacking) etc. We ended up praying on the phone and I was really encouraged to make small steps toward God. She instructed me to call her at 12:00 today (we prayed and read the bible) and come by her house to pick up a daily devotional. She invited me to a bible study and to attend church with her. Which was exactly what I needed, because so much of life I have to approach by myself and that's been tougher than usual lately.

Workout

I have been a workout nut for the last 13 months and recently I have lost my motivation and would rather eat or sleep instead of working out (slightly depressed). So last night I was thinking, I really need a workout partner or I am going to really fall off on working out. Low and behold one of my co-workers walks into my office today and says "what is your workout schedule this week" and I say, i don't have one I am really unmotivated. She says, "lets work out."So on a week that i really need it, I have a workout buddy.

Event

I host this monthly event and I am kind of sick of doing it because it's alot of work and has been hard to find a permanent home. So I say to myself, unless someone approaches me and wants to commit to doing it for a few months, I am not doing it anymore (these were my exact thoughts on my way to work). Today, while I am at work, someone comes looking for me asking about a potential collaboration and we end up putting potential dates on the calender for the next three months. I guess that means i am supposed to continue.

Lunch

The following things are not related, but they are. All of my friends have moved away and I have not cooked anything to have for lunch and have been buying my meals for the past five days. So today, i get an email from a new friend I am quite fond of asking to buy me lunch. Free lunch with new friends, what else can you ask for.

Make a Memory

2009-09-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend I made a concious effort to make a memory. I visited my college friends in DC and after brunch on sunday we were supposed to go bike riding. Well wouldn't it have you that while we were leaving the restaurant, a monsoon has just finished. So we decided to cancel and we went our seperate ways (me on my 2.5 hour ride home). On my way home (20 minutes later), i called them back and suggested we proceed because the sun looked like it was coming out. My thought was what the hell am I in a rush to go back home for? to eat diner and prepare for work (lame). So we ended up going on a 3 hour night bike tour in DC around the momuments. Definately a memorable event. I lived in DC for almost 5 years and had seen most of the momuments, but we some new places and learned some new facts on a very beutiful night. Of course I didn't make it home that night but woke up early and got to work right about when I normally do. So if you have the chance to do the sensible thing or go out on a limb, go out on a limb and take the chance to make a memory.

Living a Good Story

2009-09-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was supposed to work out after work. I was gonna go to this athletic conditioning (i.e. boot camp) class at another branch of the gym i attend, but felt sort of winded and just wasn't up to it. So, because i am rather bored with my life (or have tons of stuff to do that i don't want to) I decided to go to Barnes and Nobles to get a good book to help me escape my own story by jumping into a fictional one. Perhaps this is a consistent theme this week because I also watched 4 1/2 movies on Sunday. After running nearly 9 miles on a whim on Saturday afternoon, i was too tired to do anything else. Anyway i digress.

I went in and immediately saw Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles in A Thousand Years" which i read most of last night and finished it this morning. Its about life as a story. You are the protagonist always in a plot and your goal is to live a good story, make your life meaningful and create memories. Great Book. So my take aways:

A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. A great story is about the character(s) sacrificing something great or even approaching very difficult situations (death) to get there.
The point of our story is the journey, its about developing the Character. Allowing yourself to face your fears and be transformed.
Get off your couch, turn off your TV and begin to make memories for yourself and those around you.
Ambitions makes life more meaningful. Have something you are moving toward that makes waking up worthwhile.
Living a great story will be hard, but the benefits are worthwhile (greater hope, friends and accomplishments), the alternatives are meaninglessness and time wasting.
Do not fear. Conflict and hardships move the plot to the next level. A story with no conflict is a bad and uninteresting story.
Its not all about you. God is the Writer, you are "a tree in a story about a forest". Believe that God can write a better story than you. So cooperate with where He is/wants to take your story.
God is a great Writer and Story teller, the bible and our lives are sub plots wrapped up in a larger story. So, just as we like to see good and evil, characters overcoming conflict etc in a good movie, we should also accept it as part of the larger story God is writing over human history.
In this life we have climaxes, but there will not be an ultimate happy (perfect) ending until Jesus returns.

SO......embrace and live out your story. Make it interesting and meaningful (make good scenes), press into and through conflict, go out on a limb, face your fears, do things you only dreamed of or never thought you could do in a million years, make your dreams a reality and sacrifice makes a story even more compelling.......And when you meet God you can discuss all the memorable moments in your life and hopefully he will say "Well Done."

Be a Good Character by Living a Good Story.

2009-09-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever want to stop time and drop all the crap you are doing and go for an extended vacation and perhaps never come back? That's how i feel right now. I'm probably just premenstrual and irrational. Next summer seems so far away for my around the world trip. I don't think i have anything else to say today.

The Breaking Point

2009-09-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

Two of my very close friends broke up with their boyfriends recently for very similar reasons. The men lacked a vision or purpose for their own lives and by virtue was not taking on a leadership role in the relationship. No lack of love, the overarching theme was that their boyfriends was not what they wanted in a long term relationship (not right now anyway). They came to a deal breaking point, a very painful one.

Which gets me to thinking about whether its OK to date someone you know you are not going to marry or have the qualities you want in someone you would marry. What are your deal breakers and what are the flaws you can live with? At what point/age is important to stop dating frivolously.

I think sometime women are so scared of being alone, they think that something and someone that is nice to them, shows them some attention and spends time with them will do for right now. But i have never seen that work out well. Usually its one-two years later and they break up because of the reasons she probably shouldn't have dated him in the first place. But wasn't there some good lessons/times in the relationship? Was that a waste of time or just part of her experience? or Should she have avoided it altogether and saved them both the heartbreak?

I've always had the unfortunate opportunity to have men interested in me who i am not interested in for a variety of reasons, namely because i am not attracted to them or they are not Christians, but usually both. Which has left me single for most of my life, but in the few instances when i say what the hell and give it a chance, I'm not ultimately happy. Maybe because i am a risk management type of person and go with logic and rationality over my feelings.

I was at this women's prayer group/bible study the other day and this women gave a prophetic word which i thought was apropos. She said that you will know when the right person has come along because your spirit and values will mesh with his, he will be walking in the same direction as you. Anyone else that comes your way that you know is not for you, you need to pass them up and pass them by. She said that Jesus knows what you need as a women (to be loved, held and desired). However, he wants you to give all your love to him first, so that no man can take your eyes off of Him. That when your gifting of a man comes into your life or he gets off track that your eyes would be on Jesus. Could it be that we are looking for men to fulfill what Jesus only can.

Truth and Reality are some hard things reconcile as a person of faith/beleiver. The reality is that you may feel or be alone, but the truth is God will never leave you or forsake you. The reality is that you are breaking up with a nice guy who is most of the things you need, but lacks some deal breakers and you feel like where am i gonna find a guy like him. The truth is...God can do exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask for or imagine. The reality is you may never get married or have children, the Truth is God will supply all of your needs, that he will give you the desires of your heart (if you delight in him), that you can still bear the fruit of the spirit and be a mother to many.

So, I would encourage you to think about your reality and the lies that you are beleiving in your life and replace that with the truth of Gods word. If you say you have faith, its pointless if it's not in action (in our thoughts, words and deed). God's truth will get you through and past your breaking point.

Maybe

2009-09-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

This past week I am just amazed at how much God has and is doing some good things through me. I had the opportunity to be the speaker in a Graduate class at UVA and i spoke to some middle school girls about my story and being a leader. Then at my performance eval, i went over some of my accomplishments this year at work. Although we get bogged down in the details in life we forget to look up and back to see where we came from. So this week i had a chanee to do that. I was able to teach some grad students (i was in there shoes about 4 years ago) the in's and out of neighborhood planning. I realized i knew quite a bit. With the middle school students i reflected on my life, past and accomplishments through poetry. Sometimes i cant even beleive my own story (some of it feels like a lifetime ago), i am truly a different person for the better. I think i actually am becoming a poet too, its cool to see. And at a time when work is a bit less than fireworks, i was able to see all of the important things i've got done. So this week, i say, maybe i am pretty darn incredible....maybe

So here is a few words of wisdom i got in a forward this morning.

Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the rightone so that, when we finally meet theright person, we will know how to begrateful for that gift.

Maybe. . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, oftentimes, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the newone which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it,but it is also true that we don't knowwhat we have been missing until itarrives.

Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe. . the brightest future willalways be based on a forgotten past;after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let goof your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe. ... there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, aspouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . . the best kind of friend isthe kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe. . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feelthat something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person,too.

Maybe. . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even ifit is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe. giving someone all your loveis never an assurance that they willlove you back. Don't expect love inreturn; just wait for it to grow intheir heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . . happiness waits for allthose who cry, all those who hurt, allthose who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all thepeople who have touched their lives.

Maybe. . you shouldn't go forlooks; they can deceive; don't go forwealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, becauseit takes only a smile to make a darkday seem bright. Find the one thatmakes your heart smile.

Maybe. . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because whenyou were born, you were crying andeveryone around you was smiling butwhen you die, you can be the one whois smiling and everyone around youcrying.

Two Must Sees

2009-09-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

The Princess & the Frog

Disney creates a animated movie staring a black princess. "Not only is she the first black princess, she's the first American princess. We've never had an American princess. So, the scope and the significance is larger than people even realize." She is from New Orleans, which is cool (although all the other characters are from places that seem alot more fairly tale), but its certainly a huge step.

Precious

I saw this trailer a few months ago and then last weekend and i was mesmerized. It looks like a must see. Somebody needs to get an Oscar from this one. Its executive produced by Oprah and Tyler Perry and has already won awards at the Sundance film festival. I was so obsessed that i went out and bought the book it was based on "Push," and read it the next day. Its a wonderful tale of deep pain, trial and perseverance, hope and triumph. It makes me want to work to see the good and beautiful in those the world has thrown out to trash. The ending message, push through the pain and resistance and realize that you and all of us are precious (i.e. something of value).

Below is a synopsis:

Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire" is a vibrant, honest and resoundingly hopeful film about the human capacity to grow and overcome.

Set in Harlem in 1987, it is the story of Claireece "Precious" Jones (Gabourey Sidibe), a sixteen-year-old African-American girl born into a life no one would want. She's pregnant for the second time by her absent father; at home, she must wait hand and foot on her mother (Mo'Nique), a poisonously angry woman who abuses her emotionally and physically. School is a place of chaos, and Precious has reached the ninth grade with good marks and an awful secret: she can neither read nor write.Precious may sometimes be down, but she is never out. Beneath her impassive expression is a watchful, curious young woman with an inchoate but unshakeable sense that other possibilities exist for her. Threatened with expulsion, Precious is offered the chance to transfer to an alternative school, Each One/Teach One. Precious doesn’t know the meaning of "alternative," but her instincts tell her this is the chance she has been waiting for. In the literacy workshop taught by the patient yet firm Ms. Rain (Paula Patton), Precious begins a journey that will lead her from darkness, pain and powerlessness to light, love and self-determination. "

When I finished watching that movie, first of all, I literally had to breathe," said Winfrey. "And I didn't cry until the card came up saying 'for precious girls everywhere.' And that hit a nerve. I recognized myself in that character and most of all, I have seen the precious girls of the world and they have been invisible to me."

People are better than no people.

2009-09-14T09:45:00.001-07:00

So, I read this book over the weekend and it reminded me of how important it is to journal as a way of processing life. I always have 10 million things swimming around in my head and maybe if i got them out, i'd sleep better. So i am challenging myself to take 15 minutes a day to write over the next 30 days. I'll be writing on my blog and in my journal - thoughts, prayers and poems.

Today I was thinking about friendship. I've actually been thinking about it over the last few weeks since 1) it seems like most of my close friends have moved away and thus do not live in the same town as me and 2) i know a whole lot of people but feel close and connected to very few.

On my way to work, I saw this little girl who is best friends with this other little girl i know. They have probably been friends since they were 3 and now i think they are in the 2nd grade. Everybody knows they are best friends, they proclaim it vehemently. I remember my best friend from the 2nd grade. We stopped being friends by the 5th or 6th grade probably because i moved into the talented and gifted class. Anyway, since then, i have been leery of using the term best friend and probably of friendship in general. I was just interrupted and forgot where i was going with this, but all that to say, we need friends to walk with us throughout life, encourage us, remember who we used to be, push us to be better, tell us the truth and share life, time, laughs, our sins, fears, plans, hopes, dreams and failures.

So here are some quotes that have impacted me over the last few weeks. They've encouraged me to embrace people in my life more (i am probably way too comfortable being by myself) and to take down my walls so that i can be known and experience love in a more powerful way.

"People are better than no people"

"They let their walls down, walls that have kept them from knowing and being known. You can’t love what you don’t know and you can’t be loved if you’re not known. As they allowed themselves to be known by their peers....they experienced love in a powerful way."

Reflections on the 2nd week in September

2009-09-11T06:08:00.001-07:00

I dont have anything in particular to talk about, i just feel like writing. I want to this writing workshop and they suggested just practicing writing.

This week

The guy who has a website about "what white people like" has a book and a calender. I share some of his observations. If i had to choose, my number one observation would be dogs. You can pick it up or browse it at urban outfitters.

Is anyone other than me ever feel exhausted but still restless, bored with 10 millions things to do?

I was thinking that this is one of the only times in my life that I feel like it wouldn't be so bad to have a kids. Kids have always seemed like a killjoy to me. Maybe because where i come from 9 out of 10 people get pregnant before they are 18, so kids to me have always been viewed as a bad, dont get pregnant and screw up your opportunities in life.

How do people feel about giving just cards on a birthday. My mother scolded me for not sending my best friend a card for her birthday, but i am not a card person (not for birthdays anyway). The way I see it, you get somebody a gift (which should include a card) or you dont. A birthday card is nice and i have definately given them, but i feel its not essential.

Sometimes i love going places by myself (sometimes i get tired of it), namely because i can come and go as i please. Sometimes you just want to do something and dont feel like rallying others who may or may not be as excited. This week, after i got off work at 9:30, I went down to a local restaurant, had two glasses of wine, met some cool people and listened to this great band. The Kase Project if you must know. I had to go when i got the facebook invite and saw it was an all male black band, that is almost non-existant where i live. Glad i went, i ended up doing the bump with my new friend at the bar.

Last week I walked like 20 miles. Walking or working out helps me clear my head (i always have toooo many thoughts swimming around in my nugget). I have to get the ball of energy out somehow. Sometimes i am so ampted that when i go to sleep at night I can feel my heart beating loudly. I am pretty sure i have a mild case of anxiety.

Sometimes i look in the mirror and dont recognize myself. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. Like when did i become grown? When did i become who i see right now. I still see glimpses of the little girl i once was though. Its funny how life turns out. How places you thought you would be at in your life by now, you are not and how in some areas you are where you never would have dreamed of being. My mom says enjoy the journey. I feel like a new person almost every year, new things being relealed, the old things being shed. Its nice, i like myself though and i like who i have become and am becoming.

'Cause I'm a Women

2009-08-31T17:41:00.000-07:00

Femininity (also called womanliness) refers to qualities and behaviors judged by a particular culture to be ideally associated with or especially appropriate to women and girls. (Wikipedia)

I was painting my toe nails the other day, and i had this revelation about how I have been delighting in my womanhood and femininity. I was at a college friend's house and even she had to acknowledge how much i've changed since college. I wore dresses both days we were together. I was all sweats, caps and sweat or tea shirts previously. And my color schemes only consisted of blue, black and grey and maybe some red here and there. Now i try to be real colorful and wear dress shoes, skirts, dresses, purses and earrings more often than not. You could not get me to put on a skirt in college, i probably wore one 4 times in four years. All of which were at the yearly black balls we went to called "Visions of Excellence."

So i laugh at myself, an inside chuckle for growth and change and embracing myself, loving it and basking in my femininity. Something i couldn't even imagine doing a while ago. I feel like i am growing into myself and it feels good. No more need to mask it, i now bask it in. Cause I'm a women phenomenally, phenomenal women, that's me.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,They think I'm telling lies.
I say,It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,t
he palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

--Maya Angelou

Reflections on Fall

2009-08-31T17:18:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking to work and it just smelled like fall. There was a chilliness in the air not a summer chilly, but more reminiscent of a the dawn of a new season. I was reminded of the approaching season change last week as well, when i first saw children waiting for the school bus. It reminded me of fall, going back to school and being anxious yet excited. Mostly to show off my week of brand new clothes and sneakers. I remembered how i used to cry the first day of school probably up until 6th grade. Truth be told, i remember feeling like i was going to cry my first day of grad school. I felt anxious, yet exited but eerily alone. I think that's how i felt one fall morning, when my mother was walking me to school as I was about to start 5th grade. I felt anxious and the fear of being alone, so i busted out crying and clung to my mother (i was a mama's baby). Why was i crying? Because of the unknown that came with a new season/school year. Fearful, because even though my mother would walk me up to the school door, i would have to walk over that threshold alone, with no hands to clapse, no one to cling to. And that always made me cry.

Vagrants love me

2009-08-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

I just find it so funny, recently I've gotten alot of attention. A "you look nice", "you are beautiful"or "you are wearing that dress" type of attention from men. However 98% of those men are vagrants or older man. I wonder why that is?

God is Enough?

2009-08-13T13:43:00.001-07:00

I have been exploring this idea for a while in my own spirituality of God being enough, not the benefits and blessings of God, but actually God being enough to meet our deepest desires.

I am reading Desiring God and it posed a question. If only God was in heaven, not the benefits of heaven (wealth, health, no pain, suffering etc) only God, would you still want to go there?

Are we satisfied by the joy of getting to know the God of creation and being in relationship with him?

3 Years in the making...Wear a Bra

2009-08-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

OK, its been three years since i blogged. Its about time to start again.

For my first re-entry, I will discuss something that has been bothering me lately, women who wear no bra. Last week i was walking home from work and saw this women with her husband and she obviously did not have a bra. Not cute at all, she was not perky at all. Unfortunately i have the picture etched into my memory. I saw her later on that weekend and she had on a sheer shirt and i kid you not, i could actually see every detail of her sagging breasts.

But unfortunately i notice the no bra or the might as well have on no bra. Especially since it is the summertime, women are apt to wear strapless dresses and shirts or skinny strapped shirts or dresses without a bra. Rule number one, unless you are like an A or B cup AND are extremely perky, please spear the world and wear a bra. And even then, jiggly breasts are not appropriate either, so make sure they are staying in place. Its not cute, there are strapless bras everywhere and you can even get a good priced one from TJ's or Marshalls. Either way, everyone needs a good bra. So women tell you friends when they need a better bra (someone told me once) and go get a good one of your own.

Be good to the girls and pick them up or strap them down.

Long Suffering

2006-07-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

I am living at home now. And my sister lives on the lower level of our house. Almost every morning at about 6 am I wake up to my nieces voice asking for an icy. Of course she is told to wait. But all the rest of the morning and the rest of the day, she asks over and over again for an icy. Wait until later or a more appropriate time to her seems like never, and she continues to ask. And she usually has an icy sometime during that day, just not at the time she wants, but a more appropriate one for an icy. I only laugh, because that is like me, I see all the things I want in life, and they are up in the freezer waiting for me like that icy for my niece, but I cant seem to get them right now or just yet, so I am told to wait. But I feel haughted, probably like my niece is for that icy all day until she gets it.

So I am thinking about patience. About knowing what you want, seeing it, not being able to reach it and being told to wait. Wait on the Lord. And I feel like my niece that I don't know what that means. That to me just means almost never or some time I don't even have a concept of, which seems like eternity and is excruciating.

See I am waiting for my job to start(Praise God I have one), waiting until I find me a place that is right for me, waiting for a man, waiting to make more money, waiting to own more than what I have in 9 boxes and my car, waiting to be able to buy a new car. It all drives me crazy, because I want so much now, and it doesn't ever seem like I am getting any closer to anything soon. My whole life I felt like I have been becoming, something I don't know, and whatever it is has not come to pass yet. Someone said the other day that everyone wants to become, but no one likes the becoming part. So true, so I smile every morning as I turn over as I realize I have no more patience than my niece who is 3. I just much want more than a Icy.

Seasons

2006-06-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

To everything there is a season,and a time to every purpose under the heaven - Ecclesiastes 3:1

So I have been thinking about seasons lately, as I am in a time of transition. Or maybe because I have felt in "transition" for years now. But anyway, I just gradated from grad school and moved back to my hometown area -- LI, New York. And I am just getting used to that fact that my whole life will be significantly different now. That season is over and a new season has begun. This whole reality and thought process is beset with excitement, anticipation, anxiety, frustration, distress and nervousness. See I just moved from a place that I have been trying to leave since I got there, only to really miss it once I have gone. But the night before I was leaving, I looked back at all of my time there and all I could say was "Thank You GOD," for knowing me way better than I know myself, for giving me what I wouldn't have known I wanted or needed, for growth change, friends, relationships, community etc. And I laughed, at myself and at God I guess, because the whole time,I was kicking and complaining, while he was trying to bless me, in ways that I did not even know. But at the end of the day God knew what he was doing, and it all turned out so very well, more than I could ask for. I was laughing because I just did not trust that he knew what he was doing. ha ha. I think that was a season of softening and stretching:

I felt that I have learned what is looks like to live in community and be a part of a community
What is means to care about and for people
I've learned a little bit more about how to share myself and be vulnerable
I think I have become more comfortable with myself, my past, my opinions and really a discovery of what I have to offer.
It was a season of learning how to give myself, serve others and allowing myself to be served (there is such a thing as being overly independent)
I have learned a little of what it means to trust God. I remember the day I was going to roll out, and the only reason I stayed is because my inner man said: Trust God-- he put you here.
I am totally fine with having just as many white friends as I do black friends. (that is a significant breakthrough). Now I can say "Some of my best friends are white" LOL
I think I have learned how to love, better and more deeply
I see God in a different way--from a different experience

So anyway, I am wondering what the next season will hold. As I step into so much unknown. The only thing that stops me from going back to the old, is that I know I am supposed to be here at this moment, at this job and I have to trust God about that. Even as I sleep on my mothers couch and all of my stuff is in boxes, and I have virtually no friends here. I just have to remember that I can Trust God in a through all of that. He seems to know what he is doing, even though I cant see it sometimes. Because almost three years ago, he sent me (poor, liberal, black girl) on some crazy mission to central Virginia, to a affluent, white, conservative church for a church fellowship with no friends, way out of my comfort zone and not knowing what she wanted to do with her life. And three years later: I've left with at least 30 good friends, a masters degree, a career path, a changed heart and a renewed mind, sense of self and Christ. So my prayer for myself is that I would just for once be happy where I am, in this season, and I would enjoy being where I am at this moment. I think I wanted to be somewhere else for years and I spent too much time not enjoying all the blessings that I had in front of me.

God is doing a new thing, i want to perceive it and embrace it.

Back

2006-06-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I think i am going to start blogging again. Why after like 6 months. My life has calmed down a bit and now i can be still and tell yall what is on my mind again.

Comming Soon................

Writing in a Task

2006-01-29T15:52:00.000-08:00

Its been so long since i have blogged. Its almost daunting now because so much goes on and that i want to say, but it always takes me so long to write it and something about how i feel comes out when i write, and i hate being emotional, or giving a piece of myself to people that i cant take back. So i think i have been avoiding writing or even journaling for that matter. It's like putting me all down on paper for the world to see. What a task, and i have to think through whatever i think or feel enough to write it down and i have to be comfortable enough with myself for people to read it. I dont feel like writing these days, not for the world to see. My counselor and I were talking about how i like to make people work to get to know me, you damn skippy, but how i really just want to be known, loved and accepted. So why do i make it so hard. I like to be heard, but only if people are interested. I am way better at listening then I am at offering myself. People talk alot, which i like and i love listening to and getting to know people alot, its fun. But wish i had at least one relationship that was one sided, meaning i was the one being listened to and taken care of. I've learned that most people really like talking about themselves, but if never asked they wont share. Over break i was telling my mom how we didnt have conversations, she had monologues and i listened. So i am getting better at talking and she is getting better at listening. I think i never talked alot before because i didnt think i had anything meaningful to say or there is nothing interesting going in in my life that i wanted to talk about. I think now i just want to be known and heard.

I think i am going to end this blog now. But to let you know what i am thinking about:

About i think i have an anxiety problem, my mind is always racing and i often cant sit still, rest or sleep.

In light of my recent deliverance, i am thinking about all the other ways i am bond by present things or things of the past and how i want to be free.

How i need to not be so critical and judgemental of people, learn to love them well and just accept them as they are, good, bad and the ugly. That is what God does, accepts us as we are and loves us in spit of it. I learning how people just want to change other people into what we want them to be so they can do what we want them to do. Thats sick, no one needs that. I think being critical and judgemental are signs of our own insecurity.

I feel like God is brining me to a level of deeper dependency on him. I have had so many random occurrences that have communicated to me that I have come to a point where my gifts and talents and abilities have taken me far enough and God wants to carry me the rest of the way.

I know this blog sounds kind of down and depressing maybe, but i am the happiest i have been in a while. I am excited about this semester at school, about what he will do in my life this semester and about what is next. I am most excited about getting to know and revealing my true self, which has been hidden for way to long.

Untitled

2005-12-29T18:49:00.000-08:00

Wow folks, its been exactly a month since i've blogged the last time. Go figure. And even now I am at a lost for words or even a blog topic or maybe there is just too much to say.

Oh did want to let folks know how awesome i think the new Kirk Franklin's album is, if you are going through something, this will minister to your spirit.. The man is truly anointed. Maybe I love it because I am so drawn to people who have struggled and had God redeem their life. I guess those whom have much debt to be forgiven are even more thankful for it. I love how pumped of Kirk is about God, so much so that it pumps me up. I think we undestimate just how broken we all are and how much we really need to be delivered and made whole. Again i am reminded of the women in the crowd that touched the hem of Jesus's garment and was healed. Anyway my favorite songs are: Hero, Imagine Me and Brokenhearted. This album reminds me of just who Jesus is, how much we need him, and realizing that at the feet of Jesus there is healing, deliverance, salvation, acceptance, peace, joy, forgiveness, mercy and unconditional love. This album makes me want to press through the crowds of life just to touch the hem of His garmet, fully believing that in that nearness is the fullness of joy and freedom.

I'm at home in NY and somebody around my house has wireless so I am hooked up to the internet isn't that great. I'm bootleg. Aren't most New Yorkers. lol. I had a beef patti on some cocoa bread, for all who know about that. It was delicious. Stuff like that (and like shopping)makes me miss New York so much.

Christmas was great, i love my family so much, i only wish that i could love them even more. I got a good amount of gifts and enjoyed getting each person in my immediate family something they would like. I went to church Christmas morning, (so awesome), my soul said yes, i think i cried the whole 2.5 hour, i couldn't even have stopped if I wanted two.

I went to this awesome Kwanzaa Celebration yesterday. I love the celebration of culture and community. There were youth dancers, drummers, a jazz band, poetry, story telling and food.I was so proud and impressed with the performances and ceremony. Today is the 4th day, Ujamaa - Cooperative Economics. To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together. We need to help one another build wealth and invest in our communities. These principles are so important to the African American community to reaffirm and restore our rootedness in African culture. We need to know as people of the African Disapora who our ancestors were before their enslavement.

Let me tell you a little about my family, they are all loud and crazy (if you know me, you know this is where i get my sense of humor from)

My mother, is one of those people that others automatically are drawn to, she is a Jesus Freak, and always has a "Word," she is very loving(gives the best hugs) and has a giving heart. She likes to make people happy, is grateful and enjoys the little things. Me and my mother are a lot alike, but we often don't get along probably because of that. My older sisters just laughs at the both of us. Me and my mom talk several times a week. We recently had a conversation about how those are too often her monologuing and me listening. lol. It was funny.

My father, is rather smart, and is always talking about something random. He has always been present in some way in my life but we don't have much of a relationship. I've often been whatever about that, but I was thinking that last time I saw him (thanksgiving) when he was talking to me, that I wish he really knew me and I wish I knew him too. I didn't see him this Christmas, we kept missing each other, but he did call. Maybe I will call him and wish him a happy new year.

I think I've been angry at both of my parents most of my life, for not being what I wanted I guess, not being people I could be proud of, making poor choices that affected my life and their own drug and alcohol issues. I think I have been angry at, disappointed in and ashamed of where I came from for most of my life. But I'm tired of being angry and ashamed, cause despite all of the afore mentioned situations, I don't think I could have turned out any better if my life had been different. That's evidence of how awesome God is and how he can bring forth whatever he wants from any situation. I am thankful for the unconditional love and acceptance that is in Christ Jesus, so that even when man disappoints me or rejects me, he will never leave me nor forsake me and I am fully validated by his love.

Oh I was gonna tell yall about the rest of my fam, but i'm tired. Maybe another day.

Merry Belated Christmas and have a Happy New Year.

Me Again

2005-11-29T15:35:00.000-08:00

I just thought this was a particularly cute picture of me. I had some cute earrigns on too, but by the end of the night they fell out of my ear and broke. LOL

This is me rocking the MIC at my 80's Party.

If I had time

2005-11-29T13:29:00.000-08:00

If I had time, I would talk about:

My family and the fun and intricacies of my Thanksgiving break
Hey I made my first apple pie or thanksgiving, it was good. (Go me, its my birthday)
How I don't know what I want to do with my life (Surprise I don't think anybody does, but its still disheartening)
About me being sick of singleness (disheartening)
About me being the only black person 9 of the 10 areas of my life. (depressing)
About the couple of books I just finished reading - Enjoying God's Presence, Word, and the great divorce. (made me realize how much I don't trust or believe God, again disheartening)
About this Neo-Soul gospel CD I just got for my birthday (uplifting and smooth) Lisa McClendon
Did anyone see "Get Rich or Die Trying", (I liked it, encouraging)
I might even write a poem for yall to read. Hey I thought about becoming a rap star LOL. I love performing, but I cant sing, and the world is missing quality female rap stars. (dreaming)
I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out. (that ish will be painful, but i only have one cavity)
How my heart is prone to negativity (pessimism is a -itch) my attitude is poor
How I have this job i want to apply for (exciting)
How interesting it is to be a part of various worlds that are very different and often conflicting or at least of different sides of the spectrum (Who am I, the girl dem suga) I just have to have a random song for everything i think - that was for my reggae fans
And to leave you on a good note i only have 3 more weeks of school. (relieving)

"Quarter-life Crisis"

2005-11-29T13:26:00.000-08:00

I got this in an email earlier today and it sounds like my life, a big question mark

Being Twenty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when youstop going along with the crowd and start realizingthat there are many things about yourself that youdidn't know and may not like. You start feelinginsecure and wonder where you will be in a year ortwo, but then get scared because you barely know whereyou are now. You start realizing that people areselfish and that, maybe, those friends that youthought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people youhave lost touch with are some of the most importantones. What you don't recognize is that they arerealizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty,mean or insincere but that they are as confused as>you. You look at your job... and it is not even closeto what you thought you would be doing, or maybe youare looking for a job and realizing that you are goingto have to start at the bottom and that scares you.Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see whatothers are doing and find yourself judging more thanusual because suddenly you realize that you havecertain boundaries in your life and are constantlyadding things to your list of what is acceptable andwhat isnt. One minute, you are insecure and then thenext, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatestforce of your life. You feel alone and scared andconfused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you tryand cling on to the past with dear life, but soonrealize that the past is drifting further and furtheraway, and there is nothing to do but stay where youare or move forward. You get your heart broken andwonder how someone you loved could do such damage toyou. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meetanyone decent enough that you want to get to knowbetter. Or maybe you love someone but love someoneelse too and cannot figure out why you are doing thisbecause you know that you aren't a bad person.One-night-stands and random hook ups start to lookcheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot startsto look pathetic. You go through the same emotions andquestions over and over, and talk with your friendsabout the same topics because you cannot seem to makea decision. You worry about loans, money, the futureand making a life for yourself... and while winningthe race would be great, right now you'd just like tobe a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in ourbest of times and our worst of times, trying as hardas we can to figure this whole thing out. These are the hardest years and the ones that are the most draining, but with the right aim and attitude towards it all.....success will be your only option. Make it your only option. Take all that haunts you to the extreme. Fullfill your dreams dont just sit and talk about them, act upon them. These times are confusing but it is at this age where life really begins, dont bullshit . And, do not give up!!!!!!

Walmart Watch

2005-11-15T16:55:00.000-08:00

I went to this booksigning the other night of the women who wrote the book "Nickle and Dimed." The author is a journalist who see's if she can support herself as a low wage worker. So anyway she worked at Walmart and revealed some shady practices of the organization.

If you havent seen it go see the Walmart movie, the "high cost of low prices," is what i think it is called, you may have seen some commercials. I didnt get to see the movie yet, because my friend got the days mixed up. Go to Walmart Watch to get more details about walmart's practices. These people are calling Walmart out and trying to make them better corporate citizens and provide more benefits to their workers, most of which make $7 /hr.

Untitled

2005-11-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

Today on my way to church I saw the old women who bought the man on the corner footpowder. She was on her way to church. I knew she was a Christian.

I had a Mary Kay makeover yesterday. Now I have satin hands and satin lips. mmmmmmm
I keep getting told that i have nice features, Gap here i come. A couple of spots on my face were itching the rest of the night. Nothing serious, besides that it was a cool makeover.

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory(weird, i liked the first one better, he seemed like a lunatic in this one), White Chicks (i only saw about 3/4th of it, but it was pretty funny) and Zoolander(it was my friends birthday and we watched it on the big screen outside, it was stupid, yet entertaining) this weekend. I want to watch School Dayz, i havent seen that in so long, i love 80's movies. Oh and i am supposed to go see the Walmart documentary tonite. That should be good. I will let yall know how it is. I hate how horrible the world is, but we must come face to face with it.

One week, with no sweets. Its so liberating, i tell you. I'm learning how to say no thank you again. And I worked out 3x. Lets see if i can make it to two.

I'm tired from my run today and my back hurts. If anybody wants to get me a nice Christmas or late birthday gift, I need a massage.

The Update

2005-11-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

Wow, I havent blogged in almost a month. Nothing particularly new and interesting is going on in my life.

I turned 25 last weekend. That was fun. I had an 80's party at my house. It was cool, we had all 80's music and we had music posters, TV show posters, theme songs, 45 records and album posters all over the walls in my house. Check this, i had the orginal Thriller 45 and a record player. We had 80's snacks, lip synching, trivia and my housemates made drinks called the electric slide, smurt punch, and the pink panther. So all and all a bunch of people came out, about 85% of people were dressed in 80's clothes. I was happy 2 of my college friend came down too. We danced and sang to 80's music. It was pretty fun. I danced hard and was sore the next day. Oh i had two costumes. One-- i looked like someone off the movie breakin or fame. I had on leggings, leg wormers, a sweat shirt with the neck cut out, a head ban, jelly bracelets, a glove with the fingers out, and some high top sneakers. My second get up was a rapper. I had a red warm up suit, an old mess chap i wore backwards, and a gold chain. It was funny. My favorite song of the night, which was in my head all this week was : Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston.

The day before that i went to see the play For Colored Girls who have considered suicide, when the rainbow is enuf. I've saw this before in college, but it was nice to see it again. A friend of mine played the lady in orange back then i think. So that was cool.

Last weekend i went to this Delta ball, (one of my friends here is a Delta) and that was off the chain. Me and a bunch of my friends got all dressed up and partied and danced all evening. It was really fun. Yall know I can cut a rug. I was sore after that too. But i looked nice. Its nice to get dressed up once in a while. It reminded me of he Visions of Excellence Ball they had a Georgetown. All the black undergrads would get all dressed up, get dates and get all sweaty from dancing in their nice clothes. And then we would get awards from The Minority Student Affairs Office. My last year i got an award for Community Service. Look at me getting nastagic, i miss college and being surrounded by my peoples.

Lets see what else.....
I like my job alot these days. I got a small raise which is always cool.
My aunts house burned down in NY, so that was traggic. And that has spurred other family drama. Got to love family drama.
School is ok, i feel like i am not really doing much or into it. I have this one class, which i really dont know what to do for it. We have a pin up in which we show what we have been working on, and i have nothing. I am very uninspired, in all areas of my life these day. Glad this semester is coming to a close.
I work with these kids, teen girls and i help lead a bible study. Their behavior is off the chain, so was heated last week and had to roll out. Its all too often kaotic and that has become the norm. So hopefully, we can start to provide then with more structure and make better use of theirs and our time.

My eating habits are bad, so me and 2 of my housemates are going on a no sweets kick until thanksgiving. I have been doing good. I am on my 4th day. Now i have to just start working out again, but I am always tired or just lazy. Probably the latter. lol

Thats me

Forthcoming.....

2005-10-13T16:43:00.000-07:00

Ok I am thinking racially again and I have three notions that I want to explore further and I want to write them down while I am thinking about it.

One is the "N" word and its reappropriation (Nigga) and explore its use or mis-use by popular Hip/Hop culture, black, white and other populations. I think its an interesting social phenomena

Second I want to talk about the the incident on the William Bennett talk show in which he said "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down. "That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down," He reportedly said this to in order to reject a wild hypothesis (because he is actually pro-life). But i would like to explore it. You can read about it in the mean time: William Bennett's Comment

Then I'd like to talk about how physiologically and socially black people may process that they as a people group (probably internationally) fill most of the world negative statistics and are perpetually at the bottom rung of society. Inherently bad, bad culture, or have we been screwed over and as a result screw ourselves without prompting?

Of course whoever actually read my blog can give thoughts in the meantime, ok i'm off, i have a paper to do

Word of the Day

2005-10-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

So i am part of this listserve called "Word of the Day" that is basically a bunch of my my college friends and their friends that share their personal revelations or meditations on scripture daily. My inbox is full of emails daily, but i liked this one in particular today, so i wanted to share.

Isaiah 7 :7 Yet this is what the Sovereign Lord says: It will not take place, it will not happen,...If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.

Revelation I thought after this morning God would give me some sort of mind blowing deep revelation. That after what he dropped into my soul, the revelation from the word would be so powerful, I wouldn't even be able to grasp it's complexity and I would have to meditate for a couple of days on it. I thank God that he is who he is and that he doesn't need to necessarily use metaphors or dreams to have me get it. I thank him for being direct with me. Faith, the very essence of faith, its fiber is all I need to get what is promised. All that God has promised me all that he has spoke into my life will take place. He will manifest in my life just as he has promised because I have the faith that he will. Standing without faith is impossible. As I walk into my queendom as my place in the Kingdom is being established, if I don't have faith how can inherit what my Father has for me? How can God bless me and have me be a blessing to others if I have not faith. How will anything that he has said come to pass if I have not faith? Not having faith is to me, like saying to God I don't believe you. So today God as I sit at your feet and wait at the door to my promise, I say to you I believe you, I trust you. I pray that you give me faith like a peach pit. I pray that you manifest in my life just as you intended to without any interruption of my flesh. Give me the strength to endure, no matter how long it takes I know you will do it. Teach me obedience in a season of waiting because to wait means you expect something to happen. Give me faith like you servant Job. I hear you God and I get it plain and clear. Peace and Blessings-J

No Hair

2005-10-06T02:16:00.000-07:00

Oh i forgot to tell folks that i cut even more of my hair off. I barely have any hair but i think it looks cute.

In a couple of weeks i am throwing myself a "Born in the 80's" flashback 25th birthday party and i am trying to collect list of 80's songs, memorabilia, tv shows, cartoons, music groups etc. I want to do 80's snacks, trivia, karaoke, and 80's dress. So if yall have any suggestions, ideas, random 80's memories let me know.

Enjoying the Journey

2005-10-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

This weekend one of my friends was moving out of town, so I had her going away party at my house. I used to always have potlucks at my house for this particular groups of friends, but stopped because no one ever showed up on time. CP Time. There was a guaranteed two hour delay before the party got started and we got to eat. And there are very few things i am pressed about, but i am impatient and don't like to wait too long after a set time. But anyway, it started at 8 and noone even arrived until 8:30. lol. black people. But anyway we had good fun, good food and good fellowship. We cracked ourselves up, it was the equivilant of what my college friends would call a Shuckfest i.e. us eating, talking, laughing, playing games and most of all being loud and crazy. I miss that kind of fun. I will have to reinstate my potlucks and just tell people 6, so we can be eating by 8. Anyway i'm going to miss my friend, one of very few people here i can just be myself and hang out with. But she has gone off to continue on her journey, and doesnt really know what God has for her next, but is moving to the next phase in faith.

Oh, i was in church the other day (i've decided to just stick with the new church which i love, i'm always excited on sundays, and i havent felt like that in a long while) and the pastor said something in passing that struck me, that Jesus was a carpenter for 30 years. I think this struck me because, here he is the king of the universe, with all power in his hand, and he was making furniture for 30 years and did not do one miracle, or anything that had to do with his appointed purpose. This says something of him, not comming into his ministry until the appointed time and him not moving until the father said move. This made me think about how he was just ordinary for way more time then he was extrodinary or doing ministry or fulfilling his purpose. I thought about how i feel so ordinary right now, and I feel like i have so many skills that i am just sitting on. And i am like God, what is with all this, when is my time going to come. Lets get cracking, i feel like I am in the meantime, between time. And others in my life that are struggle with figuring out what they are supposed to do and trying to find out their calling and use their gifts. I feel like so many people are pressed about it these days. And i go back to Jesus was an ordianry carpenter for 30 of his 33 years on earth. Can you imagine knowing that you came to change the world and have to sit on your power for 30 years. Anyway, it made me think that hey, my time will come, chill out, and maybe its just not an appointed time but a journey. And as my mother says "Enjoy the Journey"

The Old Woman and The Man with Itchy Feet

2005-09-29T02:15:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking to the ATM and saw this man sitting on the side of the bank. He looked rather normal but potentially a vagrant. But, he had his feet exposed and was scratching them. My first thoughts: 1) his feet look gross 2) why does this crazy man have he feet out in public and why is he scratching them incessantly in public. I took a double take as I walked passed him to the ATM, and had to stop myself from beginning to stare. Anyway, as I waited for the person in front of me. A nice women came along and asked the man what was the problem with his feet and did he use anything to put on them.

Her - Do you put foot powder on anything on your feet
Him - the doctor's can't fix them
Her - do you have any powder on anything?
Him - No
Her - you wait right here and I will go get you something

She left, presumably to go to the CVS down the block to buy the man something for his feet.
I was so struck by the women's ability to stop and talk to the man and have concern for his foot problems (no stop and stare, or judge him in her head, or walk by in disapproval or indifference). That made me smile, like I had seen something supernatural. A little act of God. I was convicted that the only thing I cared to do was stair and walk by, and think about how gross his feet were. This women made me happy though, because I was in awe of her, because I thought, "that is what Jesus must be like." The type of person to stop on the road and meet peoples needs, immediately, when everyone else just walks by.

Block Party

2005-09-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

We are having a block party in my neighborhood tomorrow. Which should be a cool event in which everybody on the block, all ages, come out and enjoy food, activities and fellowship. I remember block parties from when i was growing up, specifically at my cousins house. She lived on grant street. I would ride my bike to my cousins house almost everyday after school cause my aunt made the best iced tea i've ever had in my life. I would watch the disney afternoon cartoons every day there.

Anyway back to the block party. Everyone knows each other on grant street, cause parents grew up on the block and now their children play together. My family members have been living there for probably 40 years. Anyway, we would be waiting all summer for the block party. There would be a bbq's in everybodies front yard (hot dags, hamburgers, bbq chicken, fried fish, potatoe salad, cole slaw, ribs, corn on the cob, ices, juices, ice cream, et etc. oh and my favorite Shiash Kabobs, mmm. We had a stage and a DJ. I always remember us having a dance contest, doing the electric slide and the soul train line. They still have those block parties, which my whole family attends, but I am always out of town. So it will be nice to be at a block party tomorrow, it will remind me of a favored family event.

I'm Waking Up

2005-09-20T18:26:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I woke up the other morning (i think it was thursday) and felt better. I had this interaction with this women at my job

lisa: how are you doing?
Me: Good actually, that is rare nowadays
lisa: why is that rare?
Me: I dont know, just havent had any especially good days.
lisa: well what makes a bad day?
Me: Nothing in particular, just feeling blah
lisa: Well its a choice then (on whether to have a good or bad day)
Me: hmmm

Thats a good question. I can have a super bad attitude when i want to, which ususally tends to sabotage my relationships, when i don't feel like being bothered.

On another note, i feel in a addressing some things head on that have been on my mind. Its so hard for me to address things, i would rather avoid them and forget about them. But, some things need to be confronted for our own sanity.

One - i feel like i need to talk to some folks at my old church to tell them i am thinking about rolling out or just discuss what and how i am feeling. I dont want to just disappear and i dont want it to be awkward, when i see them around town, and they are like wow where have you been. When and how? there in lies the question.

Two - I'm starting to come to terms how I feel about my father. Cause I never feel like dealing with him. And doing so annoys me, and i have been trying to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that it is because he acts like we have a relationship (and like he has dont so much for me), when in fact we dont. He has always been around, but more than some financial support, thats really all i can say is he is just around. I'm annoyed because he expects me to call him and invest in our relationship, which i feel is non-existant for the most part. I feel like i need to say: I dont really call you because i feel rather detached and distant from you. You have not been a consistent and big part of my life for most of it. I dont want to pretend like we have a relationship when, truly i dont feel like i know you and i dont feel like you know me. Lets just be honest. I am 25 and i really dont know what it is like to have a father and its hard to invest in something, that i am not used to being part of my life. We have had interactions all of my life, not a relationship. I'm willing to try, but we have to get rid of these false interactions and start from scratch. You getting to know me and vice versa.

My mother told me to pray for my father and after I thought about all this, i think i really sincerely did for probably the first time. I still have to tell him all this though, there in lies the hard part. I hate being confrontational. Pray for me to be courageous.

But I Am Still Thirsty

2005-09-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at my bible study, (remember we are doing the beatitudes) we went over the verse; hunger and thirst for righteousness. I thought our leader asked two very good questions:

1- what do you hunger or thirst for in your life? I said i want to be special and I am obsessed with having it together, being on top of things and doing things well.

2- what is a sin(s) is plaguing your life and your relationship with God?

What was interesting about this bible study, is that we went around and confessed the sins that have been pressing on our hearts. Intense. Its so hard and humbling to confess your sin before other people. Its so scary to put yourself out there. Because your weaknesses become exposed for all to see. I think we all publically morned our sin yesterday. In a way i havent done before,
because admitting it to others and thinking about all the other ones i didnt confess, it made me ashamed, but moreso it made me hate the sin in my life, how it was corrupting me, and how it i felt it has and had controlled me. I've felt guilty and sorry for my sin before, but i've never hated it. I begin to hate it , because it was comming to light and i had to take ownership for it in front of others and even to myself. We are not accustomed to having our dark places and secret exposed. I never really think about being a sinful person. That s probably the problem.

Thank God that his grace is sufficient and i am already forgiven. I thank God that I am counted as righteous and I am not condemned for getting it wrong all day everyday or all to often substituting to other things to quinch my thirst. One of my counterparts said last night, "i'm sick of it."I am sick of so many specific sins in my life, and I realized that so many things i just dont have the power to change in and of myself. That just makes me mad, but want to know God more, because it is impossible to come into his presence and not be changed. In the mist of my sin, I am glad I can cling to the righteousness of Christ, because my own is but fifthy rags.

A Bag of Funk

2005-09-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

Ok so i haven't blogged in a while. I am in a funk and i just dont have much to say these days. So maybe i will just try to verbalize how i am feeling

Well i have a perpetual headache or just a stuffy head
I feel all discombobulated, like i cant get my head on straight on focused
I dont feel like doing anything, even talking
I'm trying to figure out what i want to do, why i am in school, and if thats what i want to do
I feel so inadequate at work, school, and in my relationships
I feel very unspecial
I feel rather dry (I had two of my friends tell me i was dry) lol. upon hearing. I was DEVESTATED, because i consider myself a funny person. Isn't it funny how we get mad at people for telling us something that is not the way we would have characterized ourselves at all.
I've been on a hiatis from my home church for like 2 months, and have been visiting this other church that i really like ( i feel such freedom and like I am so much more myself there and the world just keeps speaking to where i am now), but i still feel guilty for rolling out on my other church. But then I was listening to somebody talk passionately about their church the other day, and i was like wow, I wish i could feel that same way about my home church, but i don't. I really like alot of the people though. And what does that mean about me, about how I'm made and where i need to be i dont know. Then i am like i should just stop being a flake and honor my committment as a member of my church. I dont know, i also dont want to be lame and just roll out the back door forever and have people wondering, "what happened to Spirit." Then again, i dont want to suck it up and just be miserable. I'm waiting for some clear direction from God, cause i dont really trust my judgement these days.
I feel like i dont know is the answer to every question in my life right now
I dont feel like doing any school work because i am disinterested, I've procrastinated all weekend and tomorrow is monday. A bunch of work to do and I dont know where to start.
We started LQ(Ladies of Quality) this week, which is a bible study for teen girls in my neighborhood that i help lead. That went ok, man these girls kill me, cause they always complaining about something, but no matter how much they frustrate me, they are funny and i love hanging out with them so much. Its probably the most frustrating and fun i have all week. Then a few of them are always at my house or want a ride or some food or something, which is stressful at times, but its nice to feel needed or feel like i am helping someone.
I've realized just how selfish I am among other things. And it kills me how there are so may things about me that i want to but just cant change overnight.

I Don't Feel So Saved Today

2005-09-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

I am so not a poet, and this a very rough draft i never got to revisit, but i wrote this when i was in the middle of one of the hardest years of my adult life (two years ago) when i wanted to leave a program I was involved in. Its a struggle with what I know in my head to be true about who God and what i see around me and feel in my heart. Struggling with God

I Don’t Feel So Saved Today

I don’t feel so saved today
Saved from what? Saved from who?
Saved from this world
This world of hate, oppression, babies crying, children dying
Saved from this world
Black on black crime, non of us have a dime, so why are we fighting over two nickels
I don’t feel so saved today
Saved from what? Saved from who?
Saved from this world, saved from my self
My thoughts of hate for this system injustice that my white middle class counterparts perpetuate
This world that has black people free but in bondage, I said free but in bondage
We are in bondage to our own limitations, in bondage to our own perceptions, rejections, reflections of what we never knew we used to be, kings and queens are pimps and ho’s, nigga’s and bitches
Oh excuse my imperfections
I said I don’t feel so saved today
Today I feel like crying, I feel like dying
Cause we are all blessed but screwed, scrude, crude and downright rude
Abused, misused, oppressed, suppressed, repressed, distressed, a downright mess
Me too, I don’t feel saved so I must take my frustrations out on you
Or whoever will listen to my pain
Pain of distress for my troubles, the problems and struggles of my people, of the oppressed people of this world
I cant sleep at night, twisting and turning, dreaming awake of a reality that will never be so why even fake
I’m sure they don’t feel saved today
Saved from their dry and sorry ass realities
I should be happy, I’m one of fortunate ones, I mean I got clothes, food and shelter
So why do I feel so lacking, so empty, so useless, so full of hate, anger and pain
I wear this shit like a stain
Tell me what have I got to gain
Life and life more abundantly my savior would say
I believed that yesterday, no the day before but not today
I cant believe that anymore cause see my life is full of abundance and things, people and experiences
But I’m empty, But I’m angry and you know what
I don’t feel so saved today
Life and Life more abundantly is what my savior would say
But remember that I don’t feel so saved today
So today I say
Where are you God
While this is going on, are you in the dusk or dawn
Cause when we rise we rise to the same troubles of yesterday, so where are you today
When I don’t feel so saved
Are you in the air, in my bible, in my church, where are you,
Your words are you my head. Life and life more abundantly is what you would have said
But you know what in my soul I feel dead
No faith, no love, no patience, no goodness, no kindness
This tree aint got no fruit
I guess I’m one of those seeds that never took root
Today I’m on rocky ground, my thoughts are not sound
Oh there goes a tear, one drop for me, two for the troubles of the world
I want to be saved from the troubles of this world, done with the troubles of this world
I don’t feel so saved today
But I want to be saved today
Saved from this cruel world and saved from myself
I want to save this world today, I want to save myself today
Saved from what, saved from who?
I want to save this world today, I want to save myself today
But I cant
So what do I do when my world is gray, when I cant pray
I said I tried that yesterday
And today I feel the same way
But tomorrow is a new day, and maybe I don’t feel so saved today
And that’s ok, cause tomorrow is on its way
And there is just one thing I have left to say
And that is the one thing today that I am happy to say
That I was saved on the day that you gave you life away
And knowing that, I think I’ll still struggle but I’ll be ok.Life and life more abundantly is what I say today

The Fellows Program

2005-09-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am totally self publishing, but since i feel like i have little to say, I'm giving yall some other stuff i've done. This is an article i wrote recently for my church about this program i did there two years ago. It was published today. I am not really a fan of this piece, but you got some good stuff, some ok stuff and some bad stuff. This is ok. Anyway its my reflections of a christian discipleship program i did from Sept 03-June 04, as i was trying to figure out whether i wanted to go to seminary. I'm not in seminary now, but this program was a circumstance that was pivitol in my walk and struggle with God.

Like most 20 something’s, I hadn’t figured out exactly what I wanted to do with my life or how to move forward in my faith. My search for guidance in this process lead me to the Trinity Fellows Program. Though all the components of the program: being discipled, mentored, working in the marketplace, living with a Christian family, being a leader in the youth group and seminary classes greatly appealed to me, there were a few things that concerned me. One- I was Baptist and didn’t know what Presbyterian was. Two - I figured Trinity Presbyterian Church was a predominately white, affluent and conservative congregation and I am none of the above, and Three- Charlottesville was a small town and I had spent the last few years prior in DC, Seattle and NY. What would I have in common with this group? I thought. What rang true in my heart then and now, is Christ. I decided to come to the fellows program as a challenge to my thoughts, personhood and faith and most of all to do something radical in the name of Christ. I began to ask myself: are you willing to follow Christ wherever he leads you? He lead me here, I was scared and I knew those 9 months would be a hard journey, but I also knew that it would probably change my life. And indeed it has. My year as a fellow was probably the most challenging year of my life. It was nothing less than a culture shock to be truthful. However, it was full of great experiences and has provided a foundation for which I can live for Christ. That time was full of invaluable lessons about calling, discipleship, service and community, all of which I would not have had unless I participated in the fellows program.

Calling – Helping to bring redemption to distressed urban areas was what God had placed on my heart, but I didn’t know how that would pan out. Through my work experience and relationship with my mentor, I discovered an interest in urban redevelopment and am currently pursuing a master’s degree in that area. This call is being worked out as I live in the Prospect Avenue neighborhood and am a part of what God is doing there through Abundant Life Ministries.

Discipleship -- What I yearned for most in my young faith was guidance from older Christians, and I can honestly say that I have never had as many mature Christians pour into my life and change my perspectives as in the fellows program. My favorite time was bible study with John and Cathy because of their warmth, honestly and ability to point us to Christ.

Service –As fellows we committed 9 months to pursuing a “mission greater than ourselves.” I was unsure of what that mission was at times. As I look back, I realize it’s a call to humility, loving sacrificially and allowing the Kingdom of God to dwell within us so that it can spill out and be the light to the world; at work, at home and in the hard places in our society. We fought the battle of being consumed with self in our service to one another, the youth and in tutoring Abundant Life children.

Community -- Community was a hard lesson for our group, it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t clean and wasn’t microwavable. We all got along well, but it took us almost half the year to break down our walls. Ultimately, we bonded in our prayers for one another, in our laboring together and on our retreats to places like the Faith and Work Conference in NY. In those 9 months, where I felt I had very little in common with those around me, I realized commonality with others by finding my identity in Christ. That was the beginning of an ongoing lesson on how to share my sin, my burdens and myself in a community of faith.

I wish I could say the fellows program was easy, and there weren’t times when I wanted to quit. I was out of my comfort zone and that challenged me to think through hard questions I will probably spend the rest of my life answering about my faith, my life, my identity, my career, my relationships and worldview. I learned how hard it really is to follow Christ, but how awesome it is to walk with God.

Baby in the Background

2005-08-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

Random thought - I've been looking all around town for a calendar with some black people on it to no avail. That's annoying. The hoops you have to jump through to get some people that look like you on a calendar. I cant imagine how that is for Hispanic or Asian people, probably even harder to find. Then again I live in a small town, so I'm sure that would be easier elsewhere or easier if it was January and not August, but still.

A friend of mine was soooo funny last night. She was visiting another one of our friends who had a baby recently and has decided that kids were just not for her. She just couldn't deal with a baby screaming in her ear more often then not. She couldn't take it. After I finished cracking up I was thinking about motherhood and the sacrifice of self that is involved pretty much for the rest of your life. I once had a conversation with another one of my friends about parenthood and how not everyone is cut out for parenthood and rather then be a bad parent some people should just not have any kids (or just have pets). Or sometimes people have kids as accessories, and your career and whatever else you want to do with your life comes first and other people (teachers, day care people, friends and family) have more interaction in your child's life then you do. I don't really like little children and I always want to hang out with them for a short while then give them back to their parents. Its great being an aunt. And everytime I hang with my niece or nephew or am around people with kids, I am like, I don't want any kids and am sure glad I don't have any.

Anyway, like my friend I've decided that I am not ready (i.e. selfless) enough to want kids at the moment. I am sure that will change, but there is nothing that seems cool about having a baby right now, other then the idea of family. But for now I thank God for my singleness and the ability to only be responsible for myself. PRAISE!!!

Sporadic Ramblings

2005-08-25T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

I know I have been posting sporadically lately and yall miss me. Sorry, school was getting started, my internet is broke at home(another tree fell on my house, and i could have sworn was going to crash into my room) and they have banned us from using the internet at work( some people were downloading games, music and playing solitare all day and others like me were blogging), so I havent had much of a chance to blog.

Well, lets see, for updates:

I went to a wedding in Mississippi a couple of weeks ago. I friend of mine that I did this fellowship/church program last year got married. And we were not even close, but for some reason 3 or 4 months ago i told one of my other fellow fellows i would drive 14 hours with her to go. And i am glad i went, one, because weddings are so special. Two because it was good to see these two together and getting married after some years of uncertainty in their relationship. And three i needed a break from my current city and 14 hours in a car is time enough to think straight. So it was fun. Good food, good fellowship.

Then last week i went home. Which was good too. I love my family. I remember at one time i was obsessed with everything my family was not, and their flaws and I think I enjoy them so much now because I am learning to just love people and enjoy them and accept them for who and what they are. So i had fun with my neice who is 2, cute, smart and funny and everyone swears it my twin. And nephew who is crazy and 9, i just dont know what to do with 9 year old boys, he is too much, but a cute kid too. I love the memories, stories and indiocynrancies that are unique to my family and growing up. I went by all the houses i used to live in in both queens and LI and just was remembering those memories and how time has flown by and family and ralationships have changed. Being home made me want to be home more and be a part of my family more and bring more of us together. Cause they will be my family forever, when friends and aquantances are long gone. Shout out to the Waldens, Sheltons, Grays and Douglas's. In the words of Jill Scott, "Oh Oh Oh, What can you say, Its FAMILY"

Anyway, I think i am comming to the end of myself, which is the beggining of God. I'm in a funk, my life is lame, I am bored, and I think I am the problem. I cant and don't want to do me as i have been doing as of late and alot of my life. Its time for a change. I need a revival, a breakthrough and all that jazz. You know what i have been insane. Doing the same thing and expecting different results. But anyway, i don't know what the change will be, its a process. I'll keep yall updated. Maybe it's just a decision not to be miserable or more importantly a decision to be content and grateful. I could definately use a couple of doses of that.

Aight, I'm out.

Its been a long time...

2005-08-17T01:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry fellow readers,

"Its been along time, I shouldn't a left you, without a dope beat to step to, step to, step to."

A tree fell on my house for the second time this summer so my internet is out. It was crazy, I thought it was going to crash into my room. And we have this crazy virus at work so it has left me unable to communicate via the web.

Went to a wedding in Mississippi this weekend. Weddings are nice, its nice to see people in love making a life long commitment to each other. That was only my second wedding, probably because black people don't get married.lol.

I don't have anything else good to say today, shocker huh. School starts in a week, I'm getting excited. I can use a change of pace, 9-5 is not all its cracked up to be. And i have a new housemate to get to know, she's cool. Getting to know people is so fun, you ever have goal friends, people you intentionally pursue. Isn't that fun. Its also fun to allow people to get to know you, i have more trouble with that and sharing my true self, but just in case yall were wondering, I am my favorite subject. lol

Oh I was at my bible study yesterday, and we looked at the scripture verse in the beatitudes: "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." What does it mean to be pure in heart? I guess an undivided heart that is truly after God, as opposed to full of impurities and after other false God that we all have. I thought of the verse, where God says he wants to take out our hearts of stone and give us a heart of flesh. Anyway we did a heart inventory, and before we even started writing I knew there was all kinds of craziness going on in my heart, mainly selfishness and self-centeredness and that manifest itself in so many different ways. My heart often hurts for the internal battle going on for my allegiance (or maybe that's just heart burn) lol. Anyway, check it out people: what is the state of your heart?

For those of you like me with a heart that is not in pure, I offer this one verse, as neither you nor I can purify our own hearts:

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me."

I bet yall are sick of my scripture verses. Oh well...Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Most of the time, as yall know, I am focused on the vicissitudes of my life, but sometimes, I got to give my creator the spotlight.

Pressing towards the Mark

2005-08-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

My heart is full of sorrow this morning because I had to say goodbye this morning to one of my housemates who is moving across country to go back to school. I've had such a great year getting to know her and I'm really going to miss her presence in my life. Knowing her has changed me, its made me want to be more of who Christ is. She is one of those people who allows you to be you, but makes you want to change. I'm going to miss how she is loud when she walks, how she loves ice cream,I'm going to miss our deep conversations while she is brushing her teeth and the way she talks about Jesus, and most of all I'm going to miss her love, presence and leadership in ministering to the teen girls in our neighborhood. I cant imagine how our bible study time will go without her there. Yikes! These girls are a tough crowd.

A few weeks ago, we had a big party for her going away. With a tent, band, food and the whole 9. She has had a particularly hard time coming to terms with leaving because she is so tied to our neighborhood and the relationships she has made and they ways she has been changed. It was so evident by the people there, the words that were spoken and the lives that have been changed by her, that she is a rather unique person. What I find most unique is the way she loves God and the way she loves people. If it is really true sometimes, that we (Christians) may be the only Jesus some people see, I think she does a good job of showing people Jesus. And I think that is the ultimate beauty about my housemate, she knows Jesus, loves Jesus, and wants to show people Jesus and loves people with his Love like I have never really seen before. And she does it in such a meek, humble, warm and gentle way. She is totally talented in so many ways and not concerned with that, but concerned with Jesus and helping others. It kind of reminds me of Paul and I'm always so impressed.

But anyway she is leaving this afternoon, and I know it will be a hard afternoon as she drives away from our house, neighborhood and all of her relationships. But I am so happy and excited for her, just to see what God will do in her life through this new experience. How he will outdo himself, because he always does even in the hard times. I read something this morning that in summary said, if you really believe that your God is who he says he is, then go. (it said something like that) Moving towards what God has for us, even if it is hard, is perfecting our faith and its beautiful. I love when people follow God, it makes me believe him even more and want to follow him whole heartedly. We may have to leave everything we know and love to follow God, but he only wants to perfect and refine us in new ways we can't even conceive of. So I just pray that my housemate, and even myself, would grab hold of, delve into and fully experience that new things God is doing in our lives, even if its hard or uncomfortable. Our purpose and calling is to follow Christ and be about the business of God and not our own agenda. So I will miss my housemate so very much, and there will be a missing place in my life, but I know this morning was just see you later and I am sad, but I know we have more of this lifetime and all of eternity to be friends. But all in all she has challenged me to love people better, cling to God more, be about his business and long for his redemption in my life and in the lives of those I love. That's unique, and I love how the source of her love, strength and character is Christ, and that has made all the difference in her life and relationships. The impact of the love of God is so profound and transforming. God who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask of or imagine by His power at work within us. So this morning I am thinking about allowing God's power and love to be at work within us, loving sacrificially and the sacrifice of following Christ. Sacrifice is hard, but the gain of knowing Christ is indeed priceless. I love God's word and how it is the truth, so i must share it with you this morning as I think upon these things.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." --Galatians 5:1

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. --Isaiah 43:18-19

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.... --Philippians 3:8

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
--Philippians 3:13-14

A Master of None

2005-08-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

I'm tired this morning. Mostly because I stayed up strumming on my guitar. Its been collecting dust for a while. I started playing the guitar about 2 1/2 years ago and only really passionately pursued playing for about 6 months. Life kind of gets in the way. So I have been delinquent for about 2 years. But some folks at my job were just jamming in the office after work and it made me want to pick up my guitar. I was about to leave work the other day and I hear music, and on my way out I follow it and come up on 4 of my coworkers, one including my director (my office is full of cool folks) just jammin. My office mate plays the fiddle too, I saw her play yesterday. I went to a blue grass concert last weekend, and I am not even into blue grass, but it was fun to see people showcasing their talent and in their element. So I picked up my guitar last night trying to remember some of the few chords and trying to remember some songs I learned. It was relaxing, but I am sure I wont pick it up for another year, especially since school is starting. But it was nice to remember, and to even look forward to a year or so down the line, when I could pursue it again more fully and learn to play well. That thought is exciting. But for now I am trying to loan it to my friend so that it wont collect dust, while I am pre-occupied. Isnt it funny how so many things in our life that we were passionate about at one point just get put to the side and begin collecting dust. I wish I had one thing that I would have stuck to and mastered. Something I specialized in or a natural talent that was cultivated. I'm a generalist though and I get bored easily and move to the next thing. A person who knows a little bit of this and little bit of that. Or as my mother would say "A jack of all trades and a master of none"

Just one foot in front of the other

2005-08-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

I dont use and alarm clock, because I dont need one. My eyes pop open almost every morning about 6:15. Most of the time, mostly weekdays, i lay there with my eyes closed wishing i didnt have to get up so soon. Every monday morning I wake up and wish it could be friday evening again. I close my eyes and clinch them real tight as if that would zap me back in time. I awoke this morning saddened and afraid. Saddened that another day, weekend, and year had flown by and all of my happy moments were just memories. I cant do it over again, its over. I remember just this time last year. When i have these moments i always feel like clamering for more time, another hour, another day to my weekend, to redo and experience again some of my happy moments. Then I was afraid, afraid of what is to come. My summer is almost over, school will be starting, new schedule, responsibilities, new people, relationships and new moments, both good and bad. I'm scared of what those new moments will bring, afraid and unsure of how i will face them. I feel like i can't do whatever it is the future will bring. I almost did not want to put my feet on the floor, because that would solidify my movement into the future and the official start to my day. For some strange reason, today i felt like i felt on the first day of school up until 12th grade. This lump in my throat, because its here again, the new begginning. This morning I felt like its here again, my life, and i cant deny it or go back to sleep or act like i'm on a detour or long vacation, waiting for it to begin, its here and it was scary. My mom always says just put one foot in front of the other. There is nothing particularly special about today, but this is it and I am here and I did all i could do this morning, get up and put one foot in front of the other.

Coming Home....

2005-08-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

I am feeling good this morning. For no apparent reason, I feel like today will be a good day. I still had to drag myself out of bed, threw on my a nice ensemble, made me an egg, drank my OJ and Metamucil (I got stomach issues), drove to work half way, parked and walked the other half and now I am at my desk listening to the smooth jazz station at work. By in which I am super happy that some information that i thought I was going to have to do a load of work to get has been provided to my by another organization. Praise!!!

Anyway, I had a decent day yesterday. Just the same ole really, work, took a power nap, made me dinner, went swimming, then lifted some weights. Then I got home and chatted with my housemates for a few hours. That's by in large the best thing about living with people, spontaneous congregation and conversation. I think that is what I have enjoyed about living with 4 other women, sharing life together. We always congregate in the Kitchen (which is funny because we have a big living room and dining room we never use except for company really). We talk about life, our days, our friendships and relationships, our struggles, and joys. We often share meals, eat sweets, (there are always some communal sweets, currently some brownies and cookies waiting in the kitchen), workout, pray, watch movies, hangout and drink wine on our balcony together. But, we all have our own private space, food, lives and friends. You can probably go a week with out really seeing one or two of them. I had this thing where I used to ask the question of the day, but now that has subsided. I will post a blog of all the questions I have asked them if I can remember.

Anyway, its been good getting to know each one of them, and living with them because we are so different and get along so well (we barely even have disagreements). One of my housemates, is super engergetic, she is always doing something and going somewhere, zooming in or zooming out. She likes a challenge and is adventurous. When she comes in the house she always has bags that she plops down on the dining room table. She is most likely to want to do something fun or get you pumped about something. She is a good people person. Another one is a super introvert, who I thought was in her room way too much when I first moved in, but as soon as we had our first real conversation I know was someone I wanted to get to know. We always have good conversations while I am standing in her doorway or watching her brush her teeth in the bathroom. She surprisingly makes alot of noise when she walks, kind of boom, boom. She is most likely to have a heartfelt conversation with and make you want to know Jesus more. Another one of my housemates, I have known for almost two years now, she is a stickler for organization, cleanliness and boundaries. She probably knows me the best and is not super adventurous but is someone you can just chill with. She cares for me well, and is most likely to come into my room just to see how I am doing. She walks slow and soft up the stairs. My other housemate is just rather a simple person, not hard to please, traditional, wants to be a mom and wife. She is also a busy body, and is always out doing something. She is also quite loquacious and has no problem sharing her day with you. She announces herself when she gets home. She is most likely to make rounds and visit everyone's room in the house to chit chat or just most likely to chit chat.

And what would they say about me. Probably that I am fun, funny and honest. That I make an effort to get to know people. I dont know what else, but I hang my keys and go straight to the kitchen when I come home and probably walk slow.

And they would probably want to me to comment on what it is like living with 4 white girls. MMMMMmmmmmmmm. Different in an cool way. I enjoy them alot and they are easy to live with. Our house is peaceful, and I like going home and being home. I would say that there is much less drama and personality clashes then I have ever had living with anybody else. PRAISE!!! Mostly though, I think that black people in my life talk about different things, or maybe just talk about things differently and have different life experiences, and probably eat and cook differently, cultural differences. But one of my housemates can put her foot up in some mac and cheese though. They are alot less loud, crazy, dramatic, confrontational and humeroursly inappropriate then I am used to by living with BP's, sometimes I miss that, sometimes its refreshing, but most of the time I get enough of that from the teens i hang out with. But i love my housemates for how they are different from each other, different from me and have a different life experiences from me.

But anyway, this year has taught me alot about community, within the body of Christ (all my housemats are Christians), within a house and within a neighborhood. My neighborhood is what you might call "the ghetto," but its pretty cool. I know some of my neighbors, a bunch of kids and whats going on in my neighborhood. Especially since its summer time, there are always people out and about or just chilling in their front yard, waving to me when I go by. And I have enjoyed being known and getting to know people. I think I have learned more about myself by being in community and having people pour into my life and me pouring into theirs. And mostly, I like coming home and seeing 4 other cars parked in the driveway. When I am tired I can go straight to my room,lie down and close the door and when I want to share, laugh or hangout I have 4 other people to share myself and my life with. Either way, I love coming home. That's why I am excited about today, after work I don't have any plans and I am just going home.

Growth and Change

2005-08-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

One of my friends always tells me to shut up when I start talking about how we are getting old, how time has flew and how in 5 years we will be ___ in ten years___.

I always do that, but I was at one of my friends baby shower the other day, and I was thinking, Wow, one of my friends is married with a baby. We are getting old. I remember when I first met her, she was one of the first people I met at college 7 years ago and now she has a son. But the beauty is being able to see each other through our processes of growing, metamorphosis, our valley's and mountaintop, and watching each other become new people and do new things. Longevity in friendship is cool, whether to talk once a day or once a year. Two of my other friends are in the process of buying homes, and three have bought their first and trying to stock up investment properties. Homebuying, car buying, responsibility, jobs, careers, we are getting older, or maybe just better. It was cool, because at my friends baby shower, it was like a bit of a reunion of people i went to college with, and I got the updates(on hair, jobs, relationships, school, etc). Its good to see though, everybody getting more mature, looking different and pressing on in life.

I walked by my reflection the other day, and got the realization that wow, I am an women, not a kid, a teen or a girl. And i am like when did this happen. lol.
Anyway, I am not even really old, rather young, still wet behind the ears, trying to figure myself out, but its good to stop and take note of your own progression, phases and stages as well as those around you. Far from where we started out, far from where we want to be, life is a process.

Whatever does not grow is dead and the only thing constant is change. So I embrace them both, growth and change, cause life is a process and we will remain a Work in Progress.

I remember when: i had a major attitude, when i cursed 24/7, when God was not even a factor in my life, when i had few friends, when i had straight hair, when I was 40 lbs heavier and 15 lbs lighter than i am now, when i was poorer, when i was unable to tell people I loved then, when my friends described me as a stoic, when I was quiet, when all i wore was jeans and a t-shirt, when i never ever wore skirts or earrings, when i thought i wanted to be a teacher, advertiser, preacher, when i couldn't drive (well i still cant do that very well), when my favorite food was buffalo wings, when I stopped eating fried foods and sweets, when i exercized 4-6 days a week, when I didnt drink starbucks, when all I talked about was God, when i played the guitar, when i talked to certain people everyday, the times when I stopped speaking to others, when i was obsessed with time and scheduling everything and making lists, when i was nonchalant about everything....and the list goes as I continue to grow and change!!!

Its aint about you....

2005-08-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking, randomly,

How most people don't want to truly follow God, they want God to follow them. Thus, they want the blessings, provision, protection and comfort of God when they need it or are going through a particular situation they want God to be by their side and carry them through. We want God in our corner, who wouldn't. We want God to bless our will, our plans and conform to our image of what God should be like. When really it does not work that way. We should be following God, conforming to his image and allowing him to direct our paths and plans. (Out of our great love for him and in response to His great love and grace toward us) Following God, seems abstract, confusing, costly at times, its radical, and not comfortable, it requires self-discipline and obedience, but it's a wonderful and amazing thing to walk with God. However, its a realization that we are not in control (HE is) and he wants to supersede all of the things that we hold near and dear.

Its easier to believe Christ is real and true and in fact is God, but harder to allow him to be Lord over your life. In this respect, you are his, he has called you, and your main existence is to model him, follow him and be used for His purposes. I think I am more committed to myself and to trying to carry out my purposes and asking God's blessings, then following God and His purposes for my life. But if I really believed God is God, and knows more than I could ever know and ultimately has my best interest in hand, then following him might be easier. But most of that time I really don't believe that, there in lies the problem. Anyway, I think as soon as we really know that it aint about us is the sooner and easier it will be to walk with God and enjoy his presence and guidance. That's a wonderful thing, cause he is a wonderful God.

Can you imagine that the God of the universe, who breaths life into being by one word, and has the power of life and death in his hands, wants to be your friend and have a personal relationship with you, and you are acting shady. lol. the absurdity of that makes me laugh. Joshua, when talking to the perpetually shady, wavering, and idol worshiping Isrealites says "choose this day whom you will serve." (yourself and your manmade Gods or the one true God). My hope is that I can say more often than not, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

Remember them Dayz

2005-08-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

Me and a few of my friends were reminiscing on how back in the dayz(early 90's) we used to record music videos from TV (MTV(yo, MTV RAPS),VHI, anyone remember video music box?) and make a tape of our favorite songs by recording them off the radio. lol. You had to pay attention and stop recording right at the end of the song, so you wouldn't get the commercial or the Dj on your tape.

I remember when me and my friends started chewing gym, and carrying it religiously in middle school, big red was the move. I even remember when winterfresh came out. You had to have that.

I remember when Arizona iced tea and mistics (they were in a wine cooler type bottle, I thought I was grown)first came on the cool drinks scene.

I remember the Batman, Africa and Malcolm X medallions we used to rock back in the day.

Remember Acid wash jeans. Wow!!!

Remember the Wop, the running man, Roger Rabbit, the cabbage patch and the kid -N-play.

Remember, side ponnytails, flat tops, bowl cuts, jerry curls and big bangs. And pink sponge rollers. Remember boys wearing parts, eyebrows with 3 slits and gumby hair cuts. lol.

Remember Jodeci, Criss Cross, ABC, BBD, Hi Five and Boyz to Men.

If anyone else has some remember when moments, feel free to add to the list of 80's/90's cultural memories.

How far do I go to serve God?

2005-07-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

Thought of the Day

How far do I go to serve God?

The Crisis in African-American Families

2005-07-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I just read this article on the Crisis in African-American families due to father loss. Two thirds of black babies are born out of wedlock, its an epidemic. (JoiDoe did a good take on the baby mama drama) Why don't black people get married? One I think its the decline of marriage in general, but you know how black people are more adversely affected by most things. But more specifically this article points out the there are two main explanations:

1- At the low-income end, the disproportional incarceration, unemployment and early death of black men make them unavailable for marriage.

2- At the upper-income level, black women are far more likelier than black men to complete high school, attend college, and earn professional credentials that would render then "eligible" for marriage.

The article points out the fatherless boys become ineligible as husbands. This is true, if you have never had a father or seen a husband, you don't have anything to emulate. So their solution is marriage promotion. I have no problem with marriage promotion, but in this case it does not fully address the problem. Lack of available men and ineligible men. And marriage doesn't change the socio-economic pressures in the black community.

We did this series with teen girls on sex and marriage, talking about waiting until marriage. But the whole point is, they don't want to get married, not because they think marriage ultimately is a bad thing, but because most of the relationships they have seen are messed up and the men are abusive, unfaithful or lack ambition. Being married to them is probably another step into being totally attached to a messed up situation. Who wants to marry a loser. Who wants to encourage unhealthy marriages. I'm sorry but some people in these relationships don't need to get married, they need to either break up or one or more of the people need a major change. I think we also need to also promote positive images of manhood, instill values in young men and equip them to be more available (ie. Not in jail or dead) and eligible (education) inside and outside the home so that they will be good husbands (and wives for that matter). Young black men and women need to learn how to interact with one another with love and respect (it aint all about sex), have respect, standards and goals for themselves before they even think about entering into a covenant before God. But anyhow, at least somebody is taking a stab at the baby-mama phenomena, cause it aint cute and its killing our culture.

In the Mist of Change

2005-07-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

I had a chance to talk to some teens yesterday from my church (middle class, white, conservative) and neighborhood (low-income African American area) who are on a mission trip to my neighborhood about why I have chosen to live there and what has been my experience and what have I gained/received my living there.

I was at the county assessors office yesterday for my job and I saw an advertisement for the Development I lived in last year as part of this program at my now church. Which is a rich gated community with a golf course, lake, equestrian and country club on the grounds. I was the only black person there, and all you saw was luxury vehicles, people walking for exercise, people walking their dogs, and random waving at people you don't know. And my house was cool, nice new house, central AC, crystal clean and literally everything there was white. Everybody in the house had their own bathroom, including me, a pantry and fridge full of food, a dishwasher, and I never had to cook a meal and didn't even have to wash my own clothes if I didn't want to and it was soo quiet and peaceful. It really was the closest thing I have ever seen to leave it to beaver. Not that there is anything wrong with were I lived, it was "da bomb Gina", but I was absolutely miserable, not because it wasn't great and my host family weren't nice. It was just too, two kids, a dog and a white picket fence for me. It was just not my reality, that was too far removed from the reality of brokenness in the world for me. I am just used to more struggle then that and yearned to be in a place where sin, struggle and brokenness were more visible. Weird, I know, I just don't want to live in a false reality, when the world actually is a horrible place. I would rather be in the process of changing that, then chillin in a country club ignoring or trying to escape that. I am totally more comfortable with the dysfunctionality of people then normality. And plus, I needed to be around some more black folk, I just couldn't identify.

So now I live in this low-income African American neighborhood to be in a place with alot of visible problems to be a part of Gods plan to renew and redeem those things that seem lost and situations and circumstances that seem beyond repair. I love that. I live with 5 people, with only one bathroom, have no AC in our house (I wouldn't wish that on anybody). 30% of the people are living below poverty, single parenthood and teen pregnancy is just the norm and very few people go to college. Its such a stark contrast to my life and neighborhood last year, but I love it. This is where I feel more at home, because these are some of the things I was used to growing up, this place is a bit of a reflection of who I am. I just want help other people realize their true potential and strive for all that God made them to be. And really and truly I have been more blessed and renewed than anybody else, I've been loved more than I have loved and felt a sense of community. A community of we are all together in the struggle of life. I think being around brokenness and people with crazy situations makes me hope for the possibilities of Christ's redemptive work more, and I need that. But it is also hard for me, because I went to college as to escape the reality of financial struggle, and all of the problems that come along with that, but here I am again, to be a in the mist of thing I was initially trying to get away from by getting an education. However, hanging out with my kids gives me a sense fo familiarity because I have been or know people who have been where they are. And they bring so much joy to my life, because they are funny like my family and remind me of all the great times I have had in the mist of my life and struggles and its good to see them have a great time in the mist of their struggles . I think my neighborhood would be the kind of place Jesus would be, he was always hanging out with people who other people did not want to come into contact with, (yeah in THAT part of town) as if their problems would dirty and cloud their clean lives. And he always offered himself. That's what I want to do, offer Jesus, offer hope for a better tomorrow and be in the mist of positive change in a place where that seems almost impossible to see the ways in which God will work a miracle.

Fun and Entertaining?

2005-07-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

I was going through my blogs and I realized, I come across way more serious and intense than I am most of the time, or it just depends in which capacity you know me I guess. Or how I am feeling, I'm rather moody. I am feeling more pensive and serious lately. Some people know me as being very chill, quiet and serious, other people think I am loud, crazy and funny. I suppose I am both. One of my kids told me the other day that I am fun and entertaining. I suppose that was a compliment but, I don't relish in the fact that someone thinks I am entertaining, that kind of annoys me. Clowns, shows and events are entertaining. That just means people don't take you seriously. That's not what I want people to say at my funeral: "She was fun and entertaining" I like to laugh a lot though, like knock out drag out, you have to laugh out loud funny, my kids make me laugh out loud, they are funny, my family is hilarious and my GT friend are crazy. When we get together we always have what we call a Shuckfest, just jokes. Most of which arent funny to other people, but funny because we have so many internal jokes and crazy situations that we think are funny. I'm talking about rolling on the floor, you have to slap somebody funny. I don't think there is anything I like better than laughing, because I laugh at myself more than anything, and I laugh at things that I cracked up at in the past just walking down the street. Laughing allows me to not take myself or life too seriously, because I am often thinking about deep and intense things, or just thinking period. I walk down the street and almost every day somebody is like, "Smile," cause i look mean. Most of the time, I am not mad or sad or mean, just in my own head. But anyway laughing brings me out of the mess of my own head, to the joy of reality. So if you every want to change my mood or break the ice of my melancholy self, make me laugh.

Made for another world

2005-07-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

—C.S. Lewis

To whom can we go?

2005-07-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a couple of days, I was writing yesterday but the power at my job kept going out, I attempted to finish 4 times, but took that as a sign. Anyway I am rather unfocused so i cant really focus enough to write on a specific topic. I am tired today, had my last swimming lesson yesterday. I dont know about swimming, but i can move across the water doing something, if the water is less than 5 feet though (i.e.) i can stand up in it. All other depths i will panic and drown. lol. I will have to take another class.

Anyway here is a Daily Devotional I came across on The Upper Room website . Its a reminder of our need for community. What do you do when you are desperate?

Desperate

Read Acts 2:42-47

Peter answered, "Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
-John 6:68-69 (NRSV)

I was desperate. Every morning I woke up and tried to make life "work." I showered, pulled on my trousers, and ate my cereal. Out in the world, I made my own way, without giving thought to God. I understood the way to fellowship with God through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. But still I labored on my own to make life work.

Then a crisis arose. An area of secret sin became known. I could not deal with this by my own efforts, and I felt trapped by tight fingers of shame.

God never intended it to be this way. Reading through the Bible, I saw that God wants us to have life and that we find the life of God within a community of faith. I reached out to Christian friends who loved me despite my sin. Through knowing them, I came to realize that life doesn't work without God's love expressed through the community of God's people. This love brings life even in the midst of sin's death grip.

Trying to live on my own, apart from the body of Christ, brought me to despair. I now find life with others who desperately seek Christ -- together.

Jim Jannotti (Pennsylvania, U.S.A.)

Prayer
Thank you, God, for giving us life in Christ and for allowing us to share it with others. Amen.

Thought of the Day
We find the way to life in fellowship with God's people

Understanding Black Power

2005-07-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

"What we need is Black power!" "a call and response that echoe[d] as a speaker ask[ed] 'What do you want?' and the crowd respond[ed]'Black Power!'" Unlike the older leadership of the civil rights movement, younger people questioned whether the acquisition of Black rights depended on the good will of Whites.The Black power movement emphasized self-definition and self-determination more than integration in addition to Black ownership and control in black communities. They felt that injustice is not merely the unfairness in racial discrimination but the absence of power to define their success and make it happen. The founders of the Black Power movement were sick of asking for it. "Black Power liberated Black people to say for themselves what they wanted with the expectation that only they could deliver the outcome." They demanded a chance to do things themselves, sucess at their own hands relayed more dignity and self definition to the community that they could no longer ask for from white society. LEGACY Understanding the Black Power Movement 40 Years Later is an exhibit that explores the Black Power movement and some of its benefits. Go through the site it is excellent.

The Black power movement always gets a bad rep and is associated with radicalism and indeed some of that that may be true, but the some of the principles they stood for and progress the movement ignited are neccessary for the empowerment and advancement of black people in the U.S. I dont mean standing on a soap box yelling "Cracker this and Cracker that" or hating white people, even Malcolm moved away from his "white devil" antics in his later years. But, I wonder whether the empowerment of Black people in the U.S. still ultimately depends on the good will of Whites. And a part of me has a problem with that, because at some measure that perpetuates paternalism. Because in a sense we still have to ask White society to give us what we deserve and restore us to our rightful state as dignified human beings. In the 21st century where racial discrimination is less prevelanct and an institutionalized racism is the foundation of our society, what black people still lack is power, ownership, wealth, self-definition and self determination. Justice to me not only means that black people ceast to be second class citizens, but they are on equal footing with Whites and there is not a inherant disproportion of power, resources, opportunities and ownership. The civil rights movement was essential, crutial and very beneficial, but I dont think most people realize some of the negative ramifications of integration on the black community along.

So my question is in the 21st century where I feel we need both the essence of Martin (blacks and whites working together) and Malcolm (black dignity, power and ownership) how is that possible? How do we both strengthen inter and intra group dynamics at the same time? I think there are so many issues that need to be resolved and redefined in and by the black community to counteract 400 years of indoctrination and internalized oppression. And that includes rejecting the notion of whiteness as a social construct and the white superiority that has been blatantly and subconsciously feed to all of society. The importance of that CANT be ignored. Unfortunately that may look like, but does not at all mean rejecting white people. I also believe that whites should have a part in the effort in fighting against racism, injustice and institutionalized racism and need to be co-laborers with blacks. White by-in is necessary. However what the black community still needs, and I think that whites can agree is "Power." --- absence of power to define their success and make it happen is crippling and it is apparent in our nations statistics of Black Americans today.

Spirit of Discontentment

2005-07-20T00:33:00.000-07:00

I was walking to work today and saw a friend of mine, by in which he asked me how were things were going. I replied - (oh sidenote i had to turn off the radio just now because there were two songs in a row talking about some woman's booty. This world is sick, and these men are nasty.) Anyway i replied, "ok i just cant get used to this 9-5 thing." Then he replied, "we are never happy, you have had been in 3 different situations in the past year and a half (full time work, school, part-time work), and you haven't been content in any of them" or he said something like that. Every time i see him, I am reminded of my discontentment because I say the same thing and he says the same thing. So I was thinking and the reality is i haven't really been consistently content for the last 2 1/2 years. The only consistent theme has been me. I think i get bored easily, so I am always looking for novelty and once it wears off, i am looking for the next best thing. And i just feel like I have alot of potential that is not being used. I have been faced with the reality of self over the last couple of weeks and it aint a pretty thing. And trying to figure out yourself is a hard thing.

Over the past week, I've been told: I'm mean, rude, lack compassion, am hurtful, and full of myself. All of which I know, its like someone pointing out a pimple you already know you have, but haven't been successful at getting it to go away.

Speaking of which, I had this rather intense conversation with a friend of mine the other day. Craaaazzzzyyy. Note - i dont really like (or maybe its just hard) to talk about how I am feeling when i am feeling it, its after its over that i can talk. She wanted to address how I have been rather blah lately, and asked could she do anything to help. I replied, "i just need some space," cause i have been tired, a flake and kind of want to be left alone or dont want to have to engage people because its draining. Or maybe i just needed a change of pace from my normal life. Then we went on to talk about how i have been purposely withdrawn and distant and dont allow people to be friends to me. Anyway long story short, she called me out and it was yet another mirror showing me who I was and how I hurt people. Great!!! It was a good conversation though. That will go down as definitely one of the most uncomfortable conversations i've had. Its like somebody starring at you forcing you to say what you really dont want to say out loud. But at the end of this long conversation, she said, "so the answer is no, i cant do anything to help you" and I said "yeah, that's what I am saying" I slept better though, probably because I at least got it out there, because the whole week b4, i couldnt sleep and got no more than 4 hours of sleep every night. I totally flip flop almost every other week between getting too much sleep and not getting enough. For those of you who know the words to The Color Purple sing along. "Can't sleep at night, and ya wonder why, CAUSE MAYBE GOD IS TRYNA TELL YOU SOMETHIN" I think God may be trying to tell me a few things

1. That my source of contentment need be in Him because life is never going to be perfect. I remember probably the only 6 months of being content was when i felt closer to God then i had before. I knew then that i needed God. I'm relearning that.

2. I need other people too. Reoccuring theme. I don't know how to though, thinking of it makes my chest hurt. How do you allow people to care for you and share some of your burden? Vulnerability. Ouch, that hurts already.

3. That my life is unmanageable and not in my control, as much as I think I am on top of things. And when I think I have everything under control I am only fooling myself.

4. That I have emotional and identity issues among other things I dont care to share that need to be worked out.

Somebody pray for me...........

The Sickness

2005-07-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today while walking across the street, I was thinking and I realized just how very insecure I am. How I am vertually unable to be really vulnerable. It makes me soo uncomfortable, and very few things make me uncomfortable. I think in general I and others are way to concerned about: How do I look? How am I doing? How important am I? What are other people going to think if i do/dont do x, y, z?

I'm so insecure i went back and erased a whole paragraph the put me out there too much. It's called packaging people.

Then I realized how much i really like to impress people and look smart, look spiritual, be indedpendent, look like we have it all together and want the praise of others. Or how i would like people to think, she is cool, she is strong, she works hard, she is great to be around. This is sick. You know what is funny, we care so much more about what people think then what God thinks. Because we know God sees everything we do and knows who we really are, but we still do crazy things and even admit it to him and ask for forgiveness. And we are ok with the fact that God knows and nobody else. We would never admit our worst sin to other people or do it in their presence, because "what would they think?" Too bad the praise of man is where we find our significance, how great would you think you were if nobody else thought so or if nobody told you? Where do you find your validity?

We all have a problem people a sickness and its obsession with ourselves, whether it is how good/bad, tall/short, fun/lame, black/white etc, we are in the eyes of others. Whether we are conceited or self-depricating or conscious of the way we are different or dont add up. It is vertually impossible for us to be continually naked (literally or figuretively) and unashamed because that would make us too vulnerable and people would see all of our faults and we are too ashamed of who we really are. So we put on clothes, conform and cover up. Donald Miller said it well in his book, Searching for God knows what, we are so insecure because, in the fall we were seperated from our real source of security, life and significance, God. So we look for it desperately in other things and from other people, by trying to look better, faster, stronger. Jesus came to restore us to our right relationship with God and give us our significance and security back. Give us our lives back.

We can give up everthing(the hardest thing to give up is self) because we have it all in Christ. So we are poor in spirit, we realize are best effort and accomplishments are but filthy rages and we are free to be humble, meek, gentle, other-centered and giving because we know who God is and our relation to Him (not the opinion of others or this world) lets us know who we are: Children of the Most High God, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, fearfully and wonderfly made... I could go on.

Do you not know? Have you not heard?

2005-07-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

I am soo very tired today. I think swimming makes me tired even until the next day. Its hard to even function. Anyway swimming is going better, but in the words of Toni Braxton "I gots ta breath." I still haven't gotten that down packed, but its fun.

Anyway I was reflecting on this sermon on the three Hebrew boys who would not worship the statue of a king and went to the fiery furnace. That's profound. They knew who God was and refused to worship anyone or anything else. What does it mean to have UNCONDITIONAL FAITH?

On a different topic, I was doing some research on the Beatitudes and I came across this website(abide in Christ) and thought this excerpt was good:

Jesus suggested that if we are going to live the spiritually prosperous life we will live above the chances, changes, and circumstances in life. Jesus said, ". . . I came that they might have life and might have it abundantly" (John 10:10b). Can you find a better way to describe that life than in the words of the apostle Paul? He says such a life is full of "the fruit of the Spirit," and that kind of life "is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law" (Galatians 5:22-23).

Spiritual prosperity is an independent joy, a mind set that takes us through our pain, sorrow, loss, grief, tears and fears.

In a seminar Dr. Larry Crabb described the mature believer with these words.

Our personal need for security, significance (and sufficiency) can only be genuinely and fully met in relationship with Jesus Christ. . . All we need to function effectively as persons is at any given moment fully supplied in relationship with Christ and in what He chooses to provide. . . Every Christian is in fact totally secure and eternally significant. We are loved unconditionally by a personal God with a sacrificial love which is as profound as it is unwavering. . . Because of our position in Christ and our place in His purpose, our lives have meaning. We matter. We are valuable. We are significant. A personally healthy Christian is persuaded of his worth in Christ to the point where his motivation to live for God is rooted fundamentally in his relationship to God. . . A personally full Christian needs nothing other than God and what He chooses to provide in order to persevere and to grow in responsible living.

I pray God will place in every believer a hunger for an abundant, victorious spiritually prosperous life under the control of His Spirit. My God give us a thirst to abide in Christ.

What do you crave in life, who or what do you serve and who or what do you worship? We usually crave security, significance and sufficiency and we usually search for it in ourselves, our accomplishments, material possessions or other people. These things(security, significance and sufficiency )can only truly be found in Christ, because God has created us with a hole that only he can fill, we just choose not to. We fill our lives with imitations, when we can have the real thing. We exchange the truth of God for a lie, and worship and serve the created things rather than the Creator. (Romans 1:25) "The spiritually blessed person is secure in Christ, significant in God's Kingdom and sufficient in God's provision. He is the recipient of divine favor and blessing. He is prosperous because of God's saving and sustaining grace (Ephesians 2:8-9; Romans 8:1;Colossians 1:28). Abide in Christ, and the Kingdom of God, and all of the joy, blessings and security will Abide in you.

"Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all of its righteousness and all other things shall be added unto you."

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
the Lord is the everlasting God
the Creator of the ends of the earth
He will not grow tired or weary
and his understanding no one can fathom....
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength
they will mount up on wings like eagles
they will run and not grow weary
they will walk and not faint

Humble yourselves people (realize your need for God and your spiritual bankrupcy) and you will be exalted (received eternal life, the unearned favor of God, the righteousness of Christ and a life of true security and significance as a child of God and a citizen of his new Kingdom). However, "one who truly humbles himself is not ultimately concerned with being exalted! Their real concern is to be reconciled with God and to rest in His glory."

Traveling Mercies

2005-07-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

I was asked by someone to talk about the places I've been.

In May I went to Naples, FL, with my 4 housemates for a week, its in the gulf side of FL. Water was clear and blue and fish and sting rays kept swimming with me. Kind of scary. I've been to Orlando and Miami b4 for work and conference related stuff.I should be going to Mississippi for a wedding in August, last year I went to Auburn, Alabama for a amateur boxing match a friend of a friend put on. I spent last summer in Chicago(they have over 70 neighborhoods and soo many parks and festivals in the summer, rich in black culture). I've lived in Seattle, WA and while I was there went to San Francisco( the biggest hill's i've ever seen in my life, saw alcatraz) and Portland Oregon(they have the biggest bookstore in the world there, its pretty cool). I went to Disneyland in CA two summers ago. Been to Austin TX, they have a big
live music and restaurant scene. Mexico twice, Cancun and for a week long alternative spring break trip to learn about boarder issues and the people working in sweat shops and living in squalor. I went to Paris, I didn't like it its kind of a dark, old and gothic place and the people don't like Americans, I don't blame them. French food is nasty, they have good dessert, and these things call crepe's which are good. I did have the best Chinese food I've ever had while there, even thought I am not a fan of Asian food now. I went to the Louvre, which I believe is an old palace that is now a museum, I saw the Mona Lisa, up close and personal. Last year, I went to New Orleans, which was cool, jazz and food is off the hook. They have bourbon street, which is where Madi Gras is, and people are crazy and drunk at night, its crazy. I've been in Atlanta, Baltimore, lived in DC, North Carolina for beach trips, South Caroline for Family Reunions and Philadelphia for i don't know what. Randomly, i've been rock climbing, skiing, white water rafting, kyacking, camping, hicking and jet skiing. I need to make it out to the midwest and new England in the U.S.(Boston and I heard Maine and Vermont were beautiful) and i want to go to one place in Northern(Egypt or Morocco), Western(Nigeria or Ghana), Eastern and South Africa, one of those will probably happen on a mission trip or something service related. Italy and Spain will be European places i want to go. Wow, God is good, because i went to all those places either for cheap or paid for by some program or conference i was going to. I guess i am so blessed and chosen to be so rich in differing experiences and rich in Spirit.

Random Thoughts

2005-07-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts....

I saw Spanglish and The Lost Boys of the Sudan, both about immigrants coming to America for opportunity and I wonder what success and opportunity costs for people of color in the U.S. and I think in some sense your family, identity and culture. One thing struck me about both movies. In Spanglish, the Mexican mother who spoke no english and was a maid asked her daughter who was smart and wanted to go to an elite white high school: Is what you want for your life is to be nothing like me? Yes and No I guess, she does not want to be poor and uneducated, but does being successful, wealthy and educated in the US as an immigrant or person of color mean you must be more assimilated and less of who you are to survive and be accepted. And in the Lost Boys of the Sudan, the young Sudanese men questioned whether coming to America was actually the best thing. They had no friends, getting an education was hard and they missed their family and culture. That's a high price.

I came across this article on racial identity and thought it was interesting: In a study, Fordham (1988) interviewed academically successful Black students in the same school visited for the previous study and found that many of these students adopted what she referred to as a raceless persona to achieve goals emphasized by the dominant society. A raceless persona entails minimizing ones relationship to the Black community to circumvent the stigma attached to being Black. Black youth adopt such a persona to succeed in school and achieve upward mobility. As Fordham (1988)wrote, if students "are not successful in minimizing their ethnic
group membership that is, appearing raceless their chances of achieving vertical mobility are seriously diminished" (p. 80). I think this is true. I was once told that black people should just assimilate, like other 19th century immiggrants, like the Irish. Too bad i wasnt really shocked or offended. I just shook my head, the person didnt even know the impact of their statement, how ludicris. I still get the feeling sometimes that it's generally accepted that black people have bad culture and still need to be civilized and socialized to conform more to the values and behaviors of the dominant society. I think of friend of mine said something so cutting to me she was thinking about herself as a black person (she is black), "How does it feel to be a problem?"

I often wonder why (of course there are answers, but i will spare yall today) if you take most of negative statistics black people are high in numbers and thats a global phenomena. AIDS, poverty, prison counts, single parenthood, abortions, teen pregnancy, I can go on and on. Or maybe the media just makes it seem that way.
CON-spiricy.

Jesus, said I came so you would have life and life more abundantly, but all i see is death and distruction and brokenness all around me. Lord I beleive but help my unbelief.

I was reading this article on Terri Schivo and whether she should have been allowed to die. The question asked in the article is whether we are obligated to go through extra-ordinary burden to keep people alive if there is no hope of recovery or little life function? The Catholic church does not support euthanasia, but they (or a certain sect's opinion in this article) said no, not extra-ordinary burden. But what is extra-ordinary. But even that camp, like much of America and the church on moral issues is divided. I would have done the same thing as her husband in that situation. I'm not a right-to-lifer or a right-to-death person. I think the media and other people politicized the case because people die everyday by being pulled off the respirator and feeding tubes, should that practice be abolished? and nobody cares about those people, or maybe they do, but we just dont hear about it. I know i wouldnt want to or have anyone i know to be kept on a feeding tube for 15 years, if i had no promise of recovery or brain function. I could be wrong, but thats just me.

This is off topic(then again there is not topic), but i was thinking about Hotel Rawanda and how we allow millions of people to die or be killed in so many other ways that nobody cares about. Its funny what we care about and what we don't. What did the guy say in Hotel Rwanda in regards to no western help. "You are not even a nigger, you are an African," i.e. worthless.

The Spirit of God

2005-07-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

In an effort to experience and enjoy God more, I am trying to get rid of the religious rhetoric that I am caught up in, cause I miss God. I go to church, read my bible (but not enough), talk about God and have a bunch of Christian people in my life, but I feel lifeless in my spirit. He's in my head, but I want him to be within the fullness of my heart in a real deep, freeing and emotional way. In a way that makes me cry and fall on my face in front of him and shout hallelujah. In a way the seeps through my pores. At one time in my life, my heart was bursting with who God is and that electrified and engergied me. Clearly God is the same, so what in me has changed. I think that one I've been clinging to myself, because God wants to chip away at who I am, and I kind of like who I am. You cant come into the presence of God and not be changed. Two - I really don't think God wants to bless me for some reason, I think walking with God is rather scary because although you know it probably (no it is) ultimately the best thing, it may not lead to what you want for yourself. I also feel the lessons God wants us to learn in life always come by enduring something difficult, (booooooooooo). I just got this revelation, that there is no room for God, because I'm full of myself and think i can take care of myself. I'm like a bratty kid whose parents continue to provide for and give gifts to, yet the child is inappreciative of all the gifts and trashes them, never acknowledging the blessing, because it is not getting what he/she wants, but what they need.

Man thank God for Christian friends too, because I have lacked the energy to really engage people, so I just been in hang out with Ebony mode. Anyway, so I told my prayer partner, that I didn't want to pray anymore, because I wanted to pray alone and seek God more fore myself(doesn't that sound super spiritual...Not, I just didn't feel like praying). Anyway, my friend is crazy and refused, and rebuked me because she said we needed each other and to pray for one another to make it through. Not just because she should as Christians, because we needed it to survive. She was right because when I am tired and cant pray she prays for me and vice versa. And I appreciate her prayers, because they energive me. Like all of us, my friend is majorly flawed but continues to cling to God like that is her only hope, clinging for dear life. I think that's why I like talking to my mom too, she clings to God for dear life. I think that's why I am so drawn to people that are broken and really struggling or have struggled, because they know in a physical and spiritual way, that God is their only hope. Because most people don't rely on God for their physical needs, we forget that every good and perfect thing is a gift from God and we have nothing that God did not give us. We have nothing to offer God, but a broken heart and a willing spirit. Our righteousness is but filthy rags.

I am doing a bible study on the Beatitudes(Matthew 5). This is where Jesus, flips the values of the world upside down and tells us what citizens of His Kingdom are like. The first verse at the beginning of the Sermon of the Mount is: Blessed are those who are poor in spirit. One of my versions reads, blessed are those who realize their need for God, theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed - you have unearned favor of God and a heavenly focus. Poverty is being without anything, worthless, and needing to be provided for because you literally have nothing. Poverty of Spirit is acknowledging that we are nothing without God and we have nothing to offer him. So all self-righteousness, pride, self-reliance and self-sufficiency is out the door. We come to God as an empty vessel needing to be filled and needing him to give us his charity. Those who are blessed, those who are approved in the eyes and the sight of God, are those who are bankrupt in their very spirit an in spiritual resources, they realize that they must have help from outside sources (Christ). Its like the first couple of steps in the 12 steps:

1. We admit we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I don't think we really know how much we need God because we don't realize how spiritually bankrupt we are, how unmanageable our lives really are and how our sin is out of control. God is like the master banker who comes and restores our credit for free and continues to give us loans when we mess us. Even all of your gifts, and accomplishments and good deeds, if he did not create you with those gifts and breath life into you every day, you would be nothing. So the Sermon on the mount is like the 8 steps to recovery from the sin of this world to be part of the Kingdom of heaven and the first one is to acknowledge your need for God and you own powerlessness and lack of spiritual resources. You and I are indeed poor and God is the ultimate Philanthropist. There is nothing I can do, but what i can allow God to do through me. So I must come to him continually as an empty vessel and allow him to fill me with his spirit. How can i give myself more fully to God? Thats what will energize me, the spirit of God.

Social Constructions of Racial and Ethnic Identity

2005-07-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

My friend told me the other day she does not see me as black nor does she see herself as white when we are together. She said she didn't see me as "other" just Ebony. She asked was I offended? Should I be? Is the point to be colorblind? Does that really exist and should it? hhhmmmmmmmmm

Some black kids in my neighborhood, when offered to watch "Hitch" commented how Will Smith was "white" and my white friend agreed that he was a "white" black guy. I reply, why because he speaks well, does not curse or degrade women. Why are all societal positive connotaions associated with whiteness and negative connotations associated with blackness. Why do both black and white people accept and perpetuate this notions? hhhmmmmmmm

When at a summer enrichment program of mostly white students a black teen kept instructing her black counterparts not to act "black." I asked what that means and she said she means act "ghetto." Are the two synonymous? hhhmmmmmmmm

I'm afraid my education and intimate association white society (church, home, friends) will somehow make me less "black", more "white" and minimize my relation and connection to the black community. Does association mean assimilation? Can a person get to a point when the only thing black about them is their skin color? Why is there a monolithic view of blackness and if you break out of that you are perceived as not black or more white?

What does this all mean....Social Constructions of Blackness and Whiteness in identity formation need to be explored...as I am currently having and identity crisis as a result of being stuck in this twilight zone... more to come

Clearly this needs to be addressed.....

2005-07-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately that I want to be more confrontational. Not in a negative agitating sense but in the sense of addressing issues head on that I have with people; letting people know when I been hurt, disappointed or when they have done something inappropriate or offensive. The question is always how do you do it in a dignified manor as opposed to just "letting them have it". We would all like to address things right when they happen but often the shock of it all leaves us speechless and not knowing how to respond to lives crazy situations. Then there is bringing things up after the fact, which is sometimes worst. What are we really afraid of? Is it their reaction? Is it trying to get the right words and not wanting to say the wrong thing? Or would we just like to avoid any confrontation because we cant muster up enough courage to tell people how we really feel (being a wimp). Everyone lacks a backbone in some sense, where we can talk about it to each other but, not the the offensive party.

I say this because last night me and a group of my friends were talking about how to address people that have acted inappropriately towards you, specifically men.

Imagine this...You are visiting your home church and you see one of your former students, who happens to be blind. You sit next to him and as everyone is praying he goes under your jacket (which is long) and shirt to caress your side. Then he whispers "sorry I touched your skin" as if going through layers of your clothes to touch you was a mistake. This is after the last time you saw him and you hugged him your shirt lifted up a little in the back and he also said "sorry I touched your skin,". This you thought was a harmless mistake. So my friend was utterly shocked, who get molested by a blind guy during prayer. He continues to call her and apparently he has done this to other women in the church. Clearly this needs to be addressed...What does she do? Jesus addresses the issue of a "brother" who sins against another brother (18:15).

Imagine this...You go to the barbershop quite often and your barber is extra nice to you and always complementing your in a flirtatious manner. You don't initially mind because he is cute and that's just how men are. But one day he goes on and on about how you need an grown man such as himself and how yall need to hang out and you decline. After general chit chat about life and family he goes on to say that he is married. This is only about a paragraph after he asked you out. Then he proceeds to go on and say "At least I told you." Crazy man. Clearly I am in shock, who does that, triflin a$$ negro. Anyway, he asks you out again and you remind him that he is married and off limits. He finally got the point and doesn't ask you out anymore, and you keep the conversation to a minimum while at the shop. He still always nice and cool but he gets in just one flirtatious comment in a trip. Before I would have laughed it off, but its kind of gross and inappropriate now that I know he is married. Yuck! Anyway, I still think he is a cool dude and all, and don't want to change barbers, I just want him to shop hitting on me. Clearly this needs to be addressed...What do I do? (Sidenote --I still like the essense of the barbershop)

This is just two examples of how women have to deal with the lustful desires of men. Its rather sick. Can you not pray or get your hair done without being somebody's prey. Secondly, this points to a larger issue of addressing things head on, as opposed to avoiding confrontation or just letting things slide. We all do this at some level and indeed we should let some things slide, (you dont need to address everything, use desernment) but I think we all need to take a stab at effectively communicating and addressing awkward and tough issues head on. People are crazy and will continue to be unless we stop them in their tracks.

The Barbershop

2005-07-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

I got my hair cut Saturday, and I really like the Barbershop just because i get to be in the presence of such a variety of black men (young, old, educated/uneducated etc) and I get to observe, admire and be in the presence of greatness, (often unrealized) but nevertheless beauty that is a reflection of me. The spectrum of black men is so beautiful to me, in a way the makes my head nod with a small smile as i am thinking about it. Not at all in a lascivious way, but just admiring. I love to see fathers bring their sons to the Barbershop,The Barbershop is such a cultural experience and a meeting place. Seldom do I get to be in such company and or if you see a group of black men they are not doing anything positive. But i like the barbershop because the barbers are good at what they do and have such skill and the conversation runs from music to family, to school, sports and the political system, with the clippers and neighborhood ongoings in the background. So when i leave the barbershop I not only leave with the bomb haircut, but with a sense of cultural community. Its an experience as a women I am happy to partake in or at least be in the mist of.

"The African American Barbershop is an example of small business (ownership and entreprenuership)and a symbol of a basic cultural institution. The Interaction Among Men, Fathers, Sons, Uncles and Friends...Has constituted an important foundation for family life, friendships and community building in the recent past..." --D. Wilkinson

The Twilight Zone

2005-07-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes while going about my life, I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. There is something quite off about it that makes me think, "Am I in the right place." Things are going well for me, so its not as if I don't like my life its just as I walk through it I am like certainly this cant be my life. I always feel like that in my church, which is a large upper middle class Presbyterian church of a predominately white congregation. Everytime I walk in there I think, certainly this cant be my life. I always think I definitely should be somewhere else where there are more black people, where the praise and worship is jammin and we continue singing when the song should have been over 5 minutes ago, where an "amen," "take your time", "preach pastor" and "hallelujah" reign from the pews during the sermon and "the doors of the church are open" at the end, or there is an alter call for prayer and testimonies of deliverance and blessings. Certainly that's where I should be. I felt that way in church yesterday and most Sundays, until one we sang one of my favorite songs of my church and the pastor had a good sermon from Ephesians 6:10, "be strong in the Lord in the power of his might....." At those moments, when I speak to my mom (she always goes off on a praisfest monologue), and when I listen to gospel music or when I was at my friends church last week, I felt what I often don't feel, which is a passion for God. I think my faith has been intellectualized, where I know I have it but am not experiencing it or enjoying it. My life almost feels like an alternate reality, and whenever I leave the town I reside in I feel like I have stepped into my real life and when I return I feel like I have stepped back into my alternate reality. There is a lack of passion for or about anything at this particular moment in my life, which doesnt mean i do not enjoy most aspects of it, i am just not passionate about most of them. This makes me wonder, in various facets of my life here "Certainly this cant be it" or "Am I in the right place?"

"The Fact Is (I Need You)"

2005-07-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

I had this conversation with my friend a couple of weeks ago, in which we talked about a recurring theme in my life...needing people, or rather not needing people. How do you learn now to need people? And should you need people? I am just rather uncomfortable with the word "need." To me that means weak, dependent and cant live without. That sound unhealthy to me. And in that sense of the word I do not need people. I am rather independent in general. People fulfill certain needs, like the need to be loved, listened to and appreciated, but I wouldn't say I actually need most people in my life. Most people in my life are great and blessing and gifts from God, but do I need them? I am thinking no. I don't think I have depended on anyone but myself for a while, so that most people I am in close relationship with I enjoy and love them dearly, but are rather dispensable. That does not mean I don't care about them, I just won't die or fall apart if they happen to not be in my life. I admit that theoretically,I do need people and relationships in my life to make it happy, functional and full. But practically, I don't know if I act that way. I am definitely one of those people that if I can do it myself, I will.

Is this not needing people, just a wall I have created in my heart so ask to not allow people in so that I ultimately will save myself some hurt and disappointment? If you don't expect anything from anybody you will not be disappointed. That is probably because I already expect and am probably waiting for people to fail me, and don't really believe people are capable of not doing so. Duh, they aren't !!! Newsflash right. So is needing people setting yourself up for failure?

I am betting this will be a major point of contention if and when I am in a romantic relationship, because I definitely do not think I "need" a man. And men need to be needed. They are great, but do I need one? Here is the words to the song by Jill Scott which I listen to often trying to decipher healthy and unhealthy need and my own sense of security and independence. I haven't found an answer so I am open for thoughts about needing people and allowing people to feel needed in a healthy way.

"The Fact Is (I Need You)"

I can pay my own light bill baby
Pump my own gas in my own car
I can buy my own shoe collection
I've been blessed thus far
I can kill the spider above my bed
Although it's hard because I'm scared
I can even stain and polyurethane
But some things just don't change
I need you yeah
Sometimes so hard to say oh
I need you
Some things remain
I could buy my own groceries baby
Get my hair tight, my nails right
I can floss my own bling bling
Write the words to the songs I sing
I can even raise the child we'll make
Make sure he's loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But he needs you to help him be a man
We need you
So hard to say
We need you
Some things don't change
I could be congresswoman
Or a garbage woman or
Police officer, or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer and a mother and a good girl
God what you've done to me
Kind of lover I could be
I could be a computer analyst, the Queen with the nappy hair raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, sweet as the first kiss
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
We need you
We need you
And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do
And even though I can do all these things
I need you
We need you
We do
We need you yeah
We need you

12 Steps

2005-07-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts.....

My swimming lessons sucked yesterday, I hadn't had it in a week so all I learned went down the drain. I think that happened to everyone in my class. I don't like not being able to do something well. It bugs me.

My sister is a new drug and alcohol counselor and she is always talking about people with terrible life damaging drug addictions. She talks about the different levels of abuse and addiction and ways they manifest. You should here the stories of homelessness, prostitution, family break ups, from people in all socio-economic statuses. Most peoples addictions are just more socially acceptable then my sisters patients, but we all have them. Things they do to escape the reality of their life, pain or brokenness or things we do that we just cannot stop although it is against our better judgment. What, good or bad gives you comfort in times of stress. (I would like to say God, but that is totally not true for me) Who or What do you run to fill your empty space? What bad habit cant you kick? We are all addicts in some way and need to holla at the 12 steps. Here they are, all may not apply, but some maybe helpful:

The 12 Suggested Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over "Blank"--that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to "Blank" and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Open Hydrant

2005-07-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

"It was 90 degrees and humid, the block was filled with children and their parents ready to loosen their mood with the cool breeze from the gurgling fountain right outside their front doors."

I had a meeting today and they were talking about firecodes and hydrants. That just made me think of back in the days, when i used to live in Queens and we used to open up the fire hydrant and it would be a water fun fest in the middle of the street. We would get buckets and dump on each others head, run through the water and get some mechanism (usually a old can) to make the water spray further. It was illegal but a distinct part of the summer trandition in an urban area. It brings back the sense of community, family fun and mayhem in the middle of the summer. I guess we just couldnt resist the temptation to have a easy waterpark on our own block.

On Being Grateful

2005-07-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

Lets talk about being grateful.

I talked to my mother today, who must be the most grateful person I know. For so many things in life that most people take for granted, she is grateful. Every time I talk to her she goes off on a monologue and praisefest of what she is thankful for and how much she needs the Lord. I love it because she is so excited and emotional about God and her faith, the reality of who God is present in her life everyday in a real and practical way. She is a person that is aware that she is a mess and without God she would not be able to keep it together.

Anyway, at one time I think last year her favorite line was, "UNGRATEFUL". Because she was grateful she was so disheartened that other people took their life, family and circumstances for granted. So its always nice to talk to my mom because I am such a complaining and discontent person, one who is all too often pursuing perfection in the people around me, my life and myself. And mind you, while I was home, I was the butt of my mothers use of "UNGRATEFUL"

Yesterday, I was hanging out with one of the teen girls I hang out with often. I would say mentor, but its really hanging out because they add so much more to my life then I add to theirs(which 9 times out of 10 is food and a ride somewhere). Anyway she was complaining about being a part of this summer enrichment program, that cost 3,000 (which she goes for free), that you take SAT classes and gives you food, they participate in fun activities and you get to stay in a dorm for like a week or two. I mean how many black kids from low income backgrounds have such an opportunity. But anyway in general the girls I work with are a pretty awesome bunch, but they have to be the most ungrateful group of kids I've ever encountered. Nothing is good enough, you can barely get a thank you and they think they are sooo entitled to things you do out of kindness. I love them to death but this pisses me off.

So as I spoke to my mother this morning and remembered my encounter yesterday with one of my teens, I wondered where I fit into in being grateful/ungrateful and who or what in my life did I take for granted. I realized that maybe I am more refined in my representations then my teen girls, but I am rather ungrateful and discontent. This lies more in my head and heart then anything. I always want to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else and have a hard time being in the moment. This has gotten better, but I wish I would get up and praise God for all the good things he has done for me today, instead of wanting to say in bed longer and have things I don't now or not wanting things that I have been blessed with. I remembered the children of Israel murmuring about being in the wilderness and this continued murmuring keeping them out of the promised land. Being ungrateful has some damaging effects on our joy and perspective on life.

So after my conversation with my mom I started to smile, her grateful spirit awoke (at least for a moment) a grateful spirit in me. I had woken up grumpy and once I got to work, was thankful that I was at a job I liked, had a mother who loved me, that I could walk, had friends who cared about me, could choose whether I wanted to walk,drive or take bus to work etc. I thank God mostly for my family, because they are awesome in all of their dysfunctionality. I could go on and on. So now, I am thinking, how can I love people better, appreciate them more, make wise use of my gifts and blessings and be 100% present where I am. Always striving for the best but not trying to be something I am not or shamed of what I have or do not have. How can I be more grateful?

So I ask today, who or what do you take for granted? What areas of your life could you be more grateful? How can that show in who you are, what you do, what you say and how you act?

Independence

2005-07-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

My weekend was fun. This weekend I didn't celebrate the independence of the USA per se, (sidenote - black people were enslaved while America was signing the declaration, 3/5 of a person actually, but I digress) . I celebrated my own independence, to move, act, worship and love freely.

I went to the golf range with a couple of friends to practice my swing. My arm still hurts. I had 45 balls and I probably hit 5 of them over ten feet. Pathetic. It was sad but different and fun.

I went wine tasting and tasted probably like 18 different wines with my housemates. I got tipsy for cheap. ha ha. I like white wines and fruit wines, like cherry and apple.

I was in DC and listened to some live reggae music (Biggup Biggup) and has some west African food with one of my closest friends. West African is one of my favorite food types. Very Good!!! It was like old times in my old neck of the woods. I love chocolate cities.

Oh man yall, I went to my home girl's church and the worship was sooooooo very good. The word was good too, but I am such a worshiper. I love just being in the presence of God and feeling free to dance, sing, shout, and offer my praise and seeing other people do the same. AWESOME!!!

Another high note was seeing Israel and the New Breed in concert. Wow people, this man is anointed, loves the Lord and has so much energy. Please buy his CD. It was awesome, 3 hours of worship. I didn't even notice. It was so nice just praising God and being in His presence (not asking for anything or worried about anything and not having my mind wonder off), but enjoying being there and making a joyful noise unto the Lord with song and dance. I don't remember the last time I felt so much freedom, energy and enjoyment in worship.

The most fun was hanging out with on of my SIC's (Sista's in Christ). You know one of your friends who is really like a sister. You may not see or speak often but yall just pick up where yall left off. You don't have to even be doing anything special to enjoy each others company. It's just a restful, familiar comfort. That hard to find folks, and you cant buy it or bag it. We went furniture shopping all day in the 4th and that was fun, cause I like to pick out stuff that I don't have to buy.lol. I also like seeing other people get what they want. I love all my college friends, they are all making it happen in their own ways. Its nice to see us all grow, move in our careers and see people buy their first homes, cars, and begin families. They all make me want to be a better person in different ways and grab hold and strive for the things that I want to see happen and actively walking in what God has put me on this earth to do. Biggup to all my GU peoples.

So in celebrating my independence I was simultaneously able to celebrate my connection to people, places and God. Independence and Connectedness are beautiful things. I had a weekend of fireworks in my spirit.

Colorism: "If you're white, you're right. If you're brown, stick around. If you're black, stay back."

2005-07-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

Clearly I am obsessed with racial issues but I think these social constructions are fascinating. Lets talk about how "color-coded intra-racism is simultaneously a self-destructive (self-loathing) internalization of white supremacy and a strategy for surviving it."

Two things - first, I read and responded to a blog yesterday where this black guy was talking about the color complex and said he just did not think dark skinned women were attractive and would not date them. He was exploring why? You can read his views my response. I do applaud the brother for being honest and open. (http://www.frozenbeyondice.com/blog/archives/00000011.html)

Second I had a conversation with my housemate, who is white about why most black women cringe when they see a black man with a white women. Because we are just haters, need to get over it and should be more open minded (sarcasm). lol. perhaps

Both of these issues go back to the color complex and the US and world's fascination with whiteness as a standard of beauty. The color complex(in the Black community) goes back to slavery and colonization and the ethnic notions the proliferated at that time period about blackness. And to make is short and sweet, both a black man's declaration to date only light women and a black man's choice to date a white women are perpetuating that standard of beauty (whether actively or passively) and saying that it is better and light or white women are more beautiful and desirable. That has been and continues to be a personal attack on the beauty of black women and darker skin women. Acceptance of one, is rejection of another. That is not always the case of course (not everything is about color), but, I think we are conditioned far beyond our knowledge, to believe and act on these notions. These are a few reasons why I think black women cringe.

1. It says to them that a black women or even darker skin women are not beautiful (accepting a white standard of beauty). It makes me wonder, what is it about blackness (color, features, hair) ,which black women represent, that men don't like or don't think is attractive or desirable. That points to deep rooted issues related to color in alot of cases.
2. White women and lighter women have been thought of as status symbols (trophies), so when black men move up the social latter dating one is an indicator of status.
3. There are only a few available black men, they are either gay or in jail or doing something unconstructive. We want the few that are good men. (This is probably the main surface issue, supply and demand)
4. I think alot has to do with notions of assimilation too. It's like inter-marrying with other cultures (and this probably rings true around the world) says to people in your culture that it is not good enough and/or less then. So it seems like cultural abandonment and dilution.
5. Healthy black relationships seem like such an anomoly it would be nice to see one or be in one for that matter.

So think about....
First, how both race and color are a good indicators of social stature. Second, how black women in America are sexualized and racialized. And third, how skin color and other facial features play a significant role in standards of beauty.

Take a look at these articles:
Color Complex in the South Asian Diaspora
(Its not just a Black or American thing)
http://modelminority.com/printout821.html

The Color Complex in the BC - A must read
(This is a Great breakdown)
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2004/01/28/DDGL74I9TF1.DTL

At some level none of this matters, love the one you with, who cares. I even think to myself, people focus on color way too much in general. But race matters and its important to explore why and how. I just like to explore social issues and the reasoning behind why we think, feel and do the things we do. History explains alot and if we dont analyze it we are doomed to repeat it and perpetuate certain phenomena.

Treading water

2005-06-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts this morning

I think I swam yesterday. (I'm taking swimming lessons) Well I moved in water by kicking my legs and moving my arms, if you had seen it you may not have recognized it as swimming. But I have 4 more lessons, so you never know. I was just telling this guy in my class b4 class that I did not think I would know how to swim at the end of our lessons. Life surprises me all the time. I still cant float ot tread water very well. But hey I got to press on.

I watched Diary of a Mad Black Women yesterday, and I was yet surprised again. I thought it was good, no sex, little violence, and redemptive. Its nice to see Black people on the screen, depicting the reality of life but a positive portrayal of family.

Positive Black love on TV, that's a rarity, black people being married, that's a rarity too. I love to see both, it gives me hope in the mix of our sex crazed, be a pimp, video hoe, baby momma culture. Our kids need to see how a black man is to love a black women with dignity and respect and vice versa. Hell I need that. We are all worth it and capable, we just need to renew our minds and watch what we take into our spirits, because negative images(both in the home and on TV) will manifest and perpetuate themselves in our everyday lives.

Two natures beat inside my chest
one if vile and one is blessed
one I love and one I hate
the one you feed will dominate
---I got that from this Christian Poetry dude named Dr. Groove in Chi-town
If you walk in the spirit people

I keep telling my friends, I think I will marry a man that is not a professional, or as I like to say a blue collar man. I just been thinking about that for the past couple of months, because that all I attract. I gets mad love. Moreso because they are more plentiful then professionals and they actually date black women. I think the love and appreciate black women more then these professional men, cause all they seem to care about is a career. Again a generalization, but hey. But anyway I think I am ok with that, I think in general people put way to much validity in what you do and what you know. But as an educated black women, knowing the issues in black relationships do you think that will create a schism? I have just seen so many black women the are bright, ambitious, and smart but cant reach their full potential because they are with and burdened by a sorry, crazy a*@ negro that is sitting at home on the couch while she is at work. I just want a man that can hold his own and wants something out of life, without me holding his hand. I want a man not a child.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I opened my bible and for the past few months, I keep randomly coming to the same passage when Jesus quotes Isaiah and says "Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor" then it goes on to say how a prophet is always rejected in his own town. Weird...Maybe I need continual reminder of my destiny.

don't you think it is weird that I can almost swim but not float, you don't have to do anything to float, just lay there. And I cant tread water either because I have to just keep myself afloat with no destination. hhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Welcome to the Neighborhood

2005-06-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

This is interesting, I'm wondering what people think. America has nothing better to do.

Welcome to the Neighborhood is a new television reality show that ABC intends to air on July 10, 2005. ABC is owned by the Walt Disney Company.

According to promotional materials, ABC’s website and our viewing of the first two episodes, this show asks seven families of diverse racial, ethnic and religious backgrounds to compete against each other to secure the approval of three neighbors to win a four-bedroom house in Austin, Texas. The judges are three white families who say the neighborhood “supports the President, traditional Christian values and wants people like themselves” to live in the neighborhood.

The premise of the show is that the white residents of this “picture perfect” community will have the right to select their new neighbors. The families competing for their approval include families who are African American, Hispanic, Asian American, a white gay couple with an African American child, and a family with non-traditional religious beliefs--all groups protected by federal or state Fair Housing laws. ABC is sponsoring a program that contradicts these families’ legal rights under the federal and state Fair Housing Act.

According to Shanna Smith, President and CEO of the National Fair Housing Alliance, “This show violates the spirit and intent of the federal Fair Housing Act. In America, residents of neighborhoods or homeowners associations do not get to choose new neighbors based on their race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability or the fact that they have children. In fourteen states and the District of Columbia, fair housing laws protect gays and lesbians from discriminatory housing practices.”

NFHA plans to contact the sponsors of the show who, no doubt, have employment policies that do not discriminate against Blacks, Latinos, Asian Americans, Gays or people with different religious beliefs. We are shocked that Disney supports this ABC program that actually allows neighbors to discriminate, judge and eliminate people based on their race, color, religion, national origin, family status or sexual orientation.

NFHA is concerned that Welcome to the Neighborhood will give homeowners the idea that they can engage in discrimination and stereotyping without any consequences. This program advances the idea that everyone living in suburbia must be alike in their religious and political beliefs, and racial and ethnic backgrounds. Christian organizations and white residents of suburban communities ought to be offended by the bigotry and ignorance displayed on this program. Disney should be ashamed of financially supporting such bigotry and ignorance as well.

The National Fair Housing Alliance and civil rights groups nationwide urge Disney, ABC and its affiliates not to air this show. We must use this opportunity as a “teachable moment” to bring attention to fair housing, the issue of discrimination and the crisis of segregation in the U.S. today, by attracting national media to write about the many problems with ABC’s proposed reality show, Welcome to the Neighborhood.

Difference does not mean deviance

2005-06-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

Difference does not mean deviance.... Is what a professor of mine used to say in my African American Lit. Class. I cant get that out of my head these days, because that sounds like a good thing to ascribe to, but do we really believe that? And does anybody: black, white, Asian, Latino and all the people groups of the world really believe that?

I saw the movie "Crash" this weekend and was both cracking up and appalled at how prejudice we all are from the most overt bigot to the nicest and most culturally aware and sensitive people we all think we are. The black people were talking about other black people and white people, and Chinese people, the Asian people about white people, the white people talking about Arab people (who were actually Persian), the black people calling every Hispanic person Mexican, the white people that were afraid of black people and Hispanic people. I mean left and right, going around and around in circles, judging each other by appearances and putting people in the "those people" by using some Politically incorrect term. We all like categories, my last blog was defining a category. Like I said quite funny(interesting funny) but appalling. Rather sick, that no matter where you are in the world, there is this superior and inferior group of people based on their color, features, religion, languages, culture etc. We all want to be on top and even if you are at the bottom, we relish in the fact that some one or other group is worst off then we are. And we categories people in ways we don't like to be categorized. We really do not like people that are not like us or at least put our self above them, sometimes we think we are justified and sometimes not at all.

I'm not one for the cheesy lets all get along crap, but people are really crappy to each other in general. Especially across racial and ethnic lines and within those lines maybe even worst(crabs in a bucket). And we don't even need to pull out, my best "friend is ------." That does not mean a thing. We operate on pre-conceived notions or our ideas of what people are, are not and who we want them to be, and how they are different from us. And because they are different, they are deviant and we are better(or we are normal and the standard and they are other). We automatically put people in our mental categories, fat, skinny, black, white, ghetto, "at-risk," I can go on and on. Everybody is prejudice, (or course to varying extremes), but no one is exempt, its a human thing. It points to the reality of this sinful and broken world and our sinfulness.

We are all in search of significance. Something that makes us good and other people bad, high and other people low, a line of demarcation. Sometimes I can at least respect the overt racist people because they are honest about who they are and how they think, unapologetically. Every one else is afraid to admit it or in denial. We all have things that we would not say out loud or we would just not say to someone of another culture or color, but we think it or talk about it with our friends.

I've been having some interesting conversations with both black and white people about race, racism, categories and prejudices as a response to my blogs. More so with white people, black people always talk about race and white people amongst each other. Quite interesting, I do however like the dialog with my white counterparts. A part of me is sooo very sick of having these types of conversations, as I don't want to have to speak for all black people and can't or even have to explain myself , but another part of me feels free to get it out on the table. I'm always explaining myself to somebody. Some days I do believe and want to pursue racial reconciliation, some days white people really annoy me and I am full of anger, most days I am all about black empowerment and being militant(fight the power!!!), most days black people annoy me more than white people, some days I am like why I am around these white people all the time and just want to be immersed in black culture and feel normal and be around the comfort of my own folks. Oh how I miss it more than I can explain. Most days I don't sweat it too much and enjoy the people in my life regardless of what they are or not. But I am glad to have my white friends (you like my qualifier) and I have had this rather painful experience but joyful at times and redemptive(overall) experience of being around white people 24/7. Its probably one of the hardest things I've done over the past two years, because I think it is one thing to have to survive in a white world at work and school, but its comforting to come home and have people know and understand your perspective on life and culture, and unexplainable commonality of we are in the same boat. But not being able to retreat in your own home is hard. When you go home and see the pervasiveness of race and cultural differences, that's hard. Being fully aware of how you are different all the time is hard. Being caught in between two worlds is hard. But at the same time, I don't think I've lived in a more peaceful house or have had such a drama free and enjoyable time living with people then this year. And I don't ever want to or think I will stop realizing my housemates are white, or vice versa, but maybe we are just realizing that and enjoying each other for what we are anyway. So I can't make them understand me fully(at least me as a black person),or maybe they are more than just random white people to me but will still be in my "well meaning category" and I will probably always have to speak a different vernacular with them then my black friends, and maybe they have never even seen the "Color Purple" and know all the lines, and maybe they are prejudice and so am I, but we can still be friends. Isn't that what friendship is anyway, to love people in spite of themselves and in spite of yourself. Is relationships where difference stops being deviant? Yes and no. You can be a total racist and have your best friend be black, or talk about Asian people and have a deep relationship someone who is Japanese. We have a dichotomy I think, between what we know and understand on a large scale whether good or bad(generalizations) and what we know to be true on an individual basis. For me it is the American system and structure of institutionalized racism and how I feel about white privledge and the subjugation of black people, and hating that with a passion and projecting that on those that benefit from it to some extent and are unaware of it. Then I have white people who I love dearly regardless of where they are on my well meaning meter. We live in such dichotomy and extremes that its hard to even decipher and its hard for difference not to be deviant at least in our minds and even in our hearts. Oh wretched man that I am who shall save me from myself and every other crazy person in this world....

The Top Ten Ways You Can Get Ex-Communicated

2005-06-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

Black people love to kick people out of the BC (Black Community). It's kind of funny.We need one more funny one to complete the Top Ten list... so feel free to add.

Your are no longer a card holding member of the BC if you:

. You are your only Black Friend (you dont know your are black)
· You think Alex Haley's roots is a line of ethnic hair care products (Missed black History 101)
. You are a black man dating or married to a white women (you will get ex-communicated and dirty looks for the rest of your life by ABW (Angry Black Women)
· For any reason other than health reasons, you never ever consume fried chicken or a pork chop (you think "soul food" is spiritual food for thought)
· You are a self proclaimed Republican (things that make you go hhhmmmm)
· Your first name is Condelezza and your last name is Rice (self-proclaimed Republican)
· You do not know how to do the "Electric Slide" (You have probably never been to an all black event, bbq, or family reunion)
· You have not seen the Color Purple, Coming to America, the Cosby
how, or Boyz in the Hood (Missed Black films 101)
· You have ever said or followed through on the following, "I'll
never date/marry a black woman because [fill in the blank]" (You probably should not say this out loud to a black women if you want to live)

Disclaimer people, the list written above is not necessarily a representation of my particular views but are just reasons black people may may want to revoke your "Black" card. I think all of our notions of "Blackness" are funny, but what is "Blackness"? Ethnic notions.......lets talk about those soon

Future Gap Model

2005-06-27T21:05:00.000-07:00

A few of you know this but I am totally convinced I should be a Gap model. Can yall just see me. That dark skinned black girl with natural hair, some kahki's and a white tank top. "Fall into the Gap" I am all over that. Except for the fact that their clothes are made in sweat shops the last time I checked. Reality sucks. Lets continue dreaming. For those of you who think I am crazy. I was spotted in the mall when I was in NY this month and this lady from a modeling agency, stopped me and said I had a "unique look." A "unique look" I said as I was cracking up. Too bad their headquarters is in NY and I was rolling out to VA in a couple of days. That was one of those shady agencies anyway. But I did indeed get spotted.

Oh and for those of you who don't know (my housemates know all too well) I am totally impressed with how cute I am these days. You ever go by the mirror or look in the mirror and be like,"Damn" who is that, she looks good. LOL. Anyway my hair is about an inch long and I am liking it alot these days. I am just such a cute little chocolate thang, looking like a Nubian princess (no better yet a Queen). I know, I'm crazy. But at the end of the day, I think I probably don't look that much better, but maybe who God is making me on the inside looks so much more attractive to me now. I am facing more of my ugliness and beauty as well. Maybe I am just more of a reflection of God and see so much beauty in that. Or maybe I am impressed with my uniqueness and God's creation, and how fearfully and wonderfully made I am despite my major physical, emotional, and spiritual flaws. Or maybe I am just conceited. Ha Ha ya thought I was going deep. I am just all that and a bag of chips with the dip (because I am made in His Image), but on a more shallow note, think I would be a good Gap Model.

But I do think we all need to holla at our sense of self worth. That has alot to do with our reflection or perception of self and realization of our own unique beauty.

Black Love...I'll blog on this later, but in the meantime

2005-06-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

Here is some food for thought people. I've been doing some thinking on why I (and probably most of the black women i know) feel so personally offended by black men dating white women. It's the unforgivable sin in the BC (Black Community). You get ex-communicated from the race by members of the community and lose your "Black" membership card. LOL. A phrase me and my friends use is, "Another one bits the dust." My other friend, calls these men "self-loathing." My full thoughts later, but in the meantime, a fellow blogger of mine takes a stab at it and she difinately is a ABW(angry black women) such as myself.

Caught in the 20s: More of that Mo' Betta Black Love

Comments...

2005-06-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, you can post comments on this site without being a blogger. Just click comments, click other or anonymous and publish your comments. And I am not easily offended so comment away. I like thoughts and discussion.

Just trying to stay afloat

2005-06-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

I am taking swimming lessons. Yes people, I really can not swim at 24. Ha Ha, get your laughs out already. And i am not at all afraid of water, just never learned how to swim. And more specifically, I can't even float. Now the funny thing is i have no problem with the "dead man's float," I mean I cant to it terribly well, but it does not cause me as much trouble as floating on my back. Now let's analyze this, like what i do with most things. I think you and I will learn something that is probably central to my personhood.

I can take the dead float head on. And i think that is because i am on my stomach and can see what is ahead, and if I sink i have my hands and feet to ground me. Now this is just the sense of perceived security that i place in myself. And what i can do to to virtually save myself. I like knowing what is in front of me, and when dead mans floating I can plan for at least an ok landing, or catching myself when i feel myself sinking. I like the sense of control. Now the floating on my back, i just cant get. I just can't let go. Now why would i trust water to save me. I know i am not going to die, but I have the fear of what might happen. If i don't float there are no hands and feet to catch me and they will probably go every which way if i lose control. Crazy i know. I have no control when i just lay back on the water. The funny thing is that if someone is behind me i feel exponentially better, but not totally secure. That sense of security, i know what will happen if i lose control. Something is behind me.

I am a control freak and it even shows up in my swimming lessons. So I am learning to let go and just let things happen. "just lay on the water." Its hard people. I tell myself, i am not going to sink and even if i do, it is unlikely that I will drown. Because even if i lose control for 10 seconds,I can just stand up in 4 feet of water and try again. I bet there are so many more areas of my life that i need to let go and lose control, and that will probably be a good thing. The funny thing is that the ability to let go gives me a greater ability to float. In spiritual terms could that mean that us letting go, gives God greater ability to work in our lives and keep us afloat? I bet all of us are dead man's floating with our spiritual lives instead of laying back into the Lord and letting him catch us. So I ask, what areas of your life do you need to relinquish control and just let go of your perceived security?

"Well Meaning" Defined

2005-06-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

Let me clarify my use of the term "well meaning white people," as a category and at least my general use of the term (a broad generalization). They are do-gooders. They are not intentionally malicious in their thinking, thoughts or actions or overtly racist. It actually as termed by black people usually describes white people that try to understand or "get it" and have good intentions of helping black people and being PC. However liberal and enlightened they are or try to be, still have a white outlook on the world. And probably miss the mark at times, and that can be a gradation of way off the mark to close to it. We all, whether we care to admit it or not, are prejudice and ignorant (lacking understanding) of other peoples and cultures, and cant ever completely understand. The point is that we try in a way that does not make them feel completely alien. Just my thoughts...

And yes, if you were wondering I do think most white people I know fall in this category at some level. And in my mind that is not necessarily a bad thing, its a reality thing.

A Renewed Self-Image

2005-06-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

I think I am going to get a PH.D in critical race theory or something, sorry if my mind is always thinking on racial and ethnic lines. My life is defined on those terms, both a blessing and a burden at times. Anyway my friend decided the other week to go natural. Of course I was overjoyed. She was trying to decide whether to cut it all off(the straight ends) or get braids to let the new growth get some length. I've been there and let me tell you that going natural or not perming my hair was a process(I grew it out with straight ends a year(getting braids, cornrowing and using a hot comb) before I cut it all off) and it was one of the hardest things to do that really required me to rethink my self-image.

Of course I went for the cut it all off and begin afresh, as advice to my friend. Its always nice when someone decides to accept that the way God made black people is quite alright. It may sound simple but its a process and quite and enlightened realization. Its undoing a cultural phenomenon (no longer internalizing oppression) and lifting a physiological imprint - at least in one sense ceasing to be indoctrinated with an inferiority complex, that manifest itself in the way we negatively view ourselves as black people (dark skin, kinky hair, African features (wide noses, big lips, hips and butt). Enslaved Africans were told these lies to humiliate them and make us believe they were inferior(their features, languages, customs and culture) to justify slavery and second class citizenship. (Read this pamphlet by Willie Lynch on how to make a slave, it was a formula) Which has it's origins in slavery and the psychological imprint that is embedded in black culture. Because of this inferiority complex, black people are obsessed with long straight hair. And in some sense espousing to white standards of beauty, long straight hair. Not that people with straight hair think that black is not beautiful, but they still ascribe to white standards of beauty, whether actively or passively. I think that we say black is beautiful but we don't actually live and speak as if it is. We are still on the light/dark skinned dichotomy and the good/bad hair language. This is called internalized oppression. Kind of like if you tell people something so many times they start to believe it, even if is not remotely true.

Anyway, me and my other friend who has been natural for a while were reminiscing on our journey and the process. I remember all my family members shaking their heads in disbelief, as if I were doing something so wrong. And one of the first comments I get and still get unfortunately from my family is "what are you doing with your hair." To them I was crazy, I had long thick "pretty" straight permed /relaxed) hair and why would I dream about cutting it. They all think I am rather eccentric and afro-centric. And I always get, she wants to be African. We always like to forget the first word in our ethnic title (which has changed five times), "African-American." People do not want to admit that we are in fact people of African decent that were brought to America, forcibly may I add. We are obviously far removed from being native African,but for indoctrinated black people any association with the continent is almost a sin, again this is internalized oppression. White Americans often celebrate and associate with their European roots no matter how far removed, black people dissociate and any attempt to associate is viewed as absurd. Again because, we believe the lies and negative perceptions of Africa and Africans. People would laugh at me if I said I was African, but white people who were not born in Ireland, say I am Irish, meaning of Irish decent and that's normal. Obviously I am not a native to any African Country (but I am a part of the African Diaspora) and our ties to particular countries in Africa have been severed for the most part but I am just trying to make a point. So maybe I do want to reclaim what has forever been taken away from Black Americans, our roots (starting with our hair). We need a self-defined identity. Not ourselves defined and measured against, or by others. Anyway I digress. That's another blog.

But my favorite saying by black people is "that looks good on you," "I couldn't do that." Which implies that having your hair like God made it does not look good in and of itself and not everyone can pull it off. Maybe not everyone can pull my hair style off, but everyone can pull their particular natural texture off.

See my newly natural friend is faced with the reality that wow, I don't know how to care for my hair because it has been straight for so long. I don't know how it works and what I am supposed to do with in in it's un-relaxed form. And anyone who is natural knows that you go through a host of products and styles (often frustrated) on what to do and make your hair look good. To be honest, first it will take you a while to really believe that your hair is and looks beautiful. Its counter-cultural to think "nappy" hair is beautiful in the black community. Its crazy. I think it has taken me a while to be comfortable with my hair, with the texture, my curl pattern and different styles and products. It takes time and a whole lot of effort to be counter-cultural. I am still learning and my hair is still a soft spot.

Unfortunately, the tables have turned and I get more compliments from my hair from people that not black that think its cool(which could be exotisim or a sense of curiosity and fascination with otherness) and more "why don't you get a perm" from blacks, who as I have mentioned before are generally indoctrinated. The cultural ignorance of black people is pervasive. Everyone wants to touch my hair. Its funny, black people like to tug and white people want to pat. Both of which I don't like, but tolerate at times, just to avoid being angry black person. So if you have done either, don't sweat it, but just know I am not a huge fan. It makes me feel like a pet and I get an overwhelming sense of "otherness." I do like compliments though. Then I get just as many questions from both groups, black and non black. For some white people, black people and all their idiosyncrasies are this new thing, as if we haven't existed since creation. I think its just that we have to function in their world to live and survive and its a choice for them to function and navigate our sub-culture. So when they begin to its like functioning in a new culture and that is new and interesting and fascinating. But what pisses me off about black people, I am so appalled at how little black people actually know about their hair in its natural state because they are out straightening (can you imagine putting a 100 degree iron in your hair to make it straight) or perming it as soon as these little girls are over 5. I don't have a vendetta against relaxers or black people having straight hair, but its a phenomena that spans continents. When you see 5% of a group(people of the African Diaspora) with natural hair and 95% doing some kind of straightener, its an epidemic. To make it more "manageable" what does that mean? That they want to ascribe to a particular standard of beauty. I don't think black people at all want to be white, that's quite the contrary, but we have been historically conditioned to espouse to those particular standards to function and be accepted in a majority society. And it continues very subconsciously.

For those of you that don't know, "nappy" or kinky is the term I think is more acceptable, is just super curly hair, it is tightly coiled hair. Instead of being straight and falling away from your head it draws closer to the scalp. And when wet curls up even more. Why is that? is a question I've gotten before, but that's like asking why is my skin black, I suspect God does things on purpose, just to spice up life and make a variety of beautiful things in different forms. (My theory is that the sun is hot in African and coiled hair acts like a protectant for the head, God knew what he was doing) Why am I different? or special? Kinky hair is quite the delicacy, only black people have mahogany skin and coiled hair. Or another question is why is everybody else different? Ha ha Or more importantly I guess we all need to realize that beauty comes in so many forms and one need not conform to the standard if that does not represent you. Or try to be something you are not. Be ok with the fact that you are you. I think that most of our social construction and cultural ideology comes from somewhere. Unfortunately for black people, our social construction of self came from what enslaved African were told about themselves, their history, culture and native land by Europeans. And these lies have stuck for hundreds of years.

So anyway it will be interesting to see my friend as she goes through the de-conditioning process of having natural hair and realizing her beauty. It will be hard because we as a people are so used to working with relaxed hair, that unfortunately kinky hair seems almost troublesome. We must all renew our minds and ask why do we think and act the way we do and where did that come from. So it is not enough to say that black is beautiful, because indeed it is, but as a people we need to start to think, speak and act that way. And even if you have a perm, do you boo, but cease to refer to hair in "good hair" (i.e less coiled and more straight and long) and "bad hair" (more coiled and usually short) terms. I have come to the realization that it is ok to be different and look different and even act different and be ok with that. God mad me that way on purpose and it is good. But that realization is a process.....

An encounter of the third kind

2005-06-22T05:58:00.000-07:00

I just had this weird interaction with this guy at my job, by which I was thoroughly confused at what to think about it. I was making copies and he asks me to come into his office when I am done. To my surprise he asks me do I know what language Somali people speak and did I speak it. He came into contact with 24 Somali refugees living in one house and he could not speak the language to tell them that was a hazard nor did he know what organization or agency to contact to help them. Anyway, I answered no, and am thinking why would I know(with a rather annoyed and confused tone and expression).

Now lets analyze the intentions of this man. The first thing that comes into my mind is, yet another ignorant white person that just assumes because I am black I know the language and customs of Somalians. There are over 50 countries on the continent of Africa and probably thousands of languages, why would I , a random person know Somali. Would he have asked another white person or black person for that matter in the office? How many American people know Somali or any language other than english (unfortunately Americans are not usually multi-lingual) Did he ask me just because I was black; did he ask me because I am black and thought I might know or know how to locate that information because (I look rather afro-centric and attend UVA ), did he ask me because he thinks all black people look alike and/or did he mistake to be of Somali heritage (by which I am not at all offended by, I've been mistaken by quite a few African people for being native to their particular country, and think it's a compliment and must reply sorry I am just a black American). But i dont think i resemble the Somali people group in particular. Anyway I was taken aback and somewhat offended.

I was so annoyed from being singled out and approached in an unrefined way. Yet another encounter of well meaning white people, in which I don't know how to react, I can over or appropriately react and be angry black person or I can underreact and allow this cultural insensitivity and ignorance to go on. I addressed him today and said I really do not know why you approached me yesterday and I was rather taken aback. By in which he replied he could tell and had asked me because (1)-I looked like one of the Somali women (which makes me go hmmmm) is that true or another case of all black people look alike and (2) he knew I go to the University and throught I might know and be a resource. At any rate I did happen to know the organization that places refugees here in town and gave him their contact information. In the end i think was trying to help these people and wanted to ask me but did not know how to approach me and it came across weird.

I am however rather unnerved that I have to deal with these sorts of interactions quite often with well meaning white people that do not mean to be or know that they are offensive. I have become rather sensitive (perhaps over sensitive) and these encounters always just leave me wondering, confused, annoyed or angry. The "double consciousness" of being black in effect (if you don't know about this concept read some W.E.B DuBois). I think black people have to wonder all too often "is this happening because I am black." Which probably makes us look like angry black people all the time or "pulling the race card". Because i would guess 60-90% of the time it probably is because we are black(or we perceive it that way) the other % we are being defensive because unfortunately we always have to wonder if that is why we are being treated differently. In the words of James Baldwin, "just because I am paranoid does not mean they are not out to get me." And I say this because, just because I am paranoid (a natural response to 400 year history of prejudice and racism) does not mean that these particular stereotypes, insensitivity and points of ignorance do not exist. But i always have have to wonder...