The Old Woman and The Man with Itchy Feet

Today I was walking to the ATM and saw this man sitting on the side of the bank. He looked rather normal but potentially a vagrant. But, he had his feet exposed and was scratching them. My first thoughts: 1) his feet look gross 2) why does this crazy man have he feet out in public and why is he scratching them incessantly in public. I took a double take as I walked passed him to the ATM, and had to stop myself from beginning to stare. Anyway, as I waited for the person in front of me. A nice women came along and asked the man what was the problem with his feet and did he use anything to put on them.

Her - Do you put foot powder on anything on your feet
Him - the doctor's can't fix them
Her - do you have any powder on anything?
Him - No
Her - you wait right here and I will go get you something

She left, presumably to go to the CVS down the block to buy the man something for his feet.
I was so struck by the women's ability to stop and talk to the man and have concern for his foot problems (no stop and stare, or judge him in her head, or walk by in disapproval or indifference). That made me smile, like I had seen something supernatural. A little act of God. I was convicted that the only thing I cared to do was stair and walk by, and think about how gross his feet were. This women made me happy though, because I was in awe of her, because I thought, "that is what Jesus must be like." The type of person to stop on the road and meet peoples needs, immediately, when everyone else just walks by.

Block Party

We are having a block party in my neighborhood tomorrow. Which should be a cool event in which everybody on the block, all ages, come out and enjoy food, activities and fellowship. I remember block parties from when i was growing up, specifically at my cousins house. She lived on grant street. I would ride my bike to my cousins house almost everyday after school cause my aunt made the best iced tea i've ever had in my life. I would watch the disney afternoon cartoons every day there.

Anyway back to the block party. Everyone knows each other on grant street, cause parents grew up on the block and now their children play together. My family members have been living there for probably 40 years. Anyway, we would be waiting all summer for the block party. There would be a bbq's in everybodies front yard (hot dags, hamburgers, bbq chicken, fried fish, potatoe salad, cole slaw, ribs, corn on the cob, ices, juices, ice cream, et etc. oh and my favorite Shiash Kabobs, mmm. We had a stage and a DJ. I always remember us having a dance contest, doing the electric slide and the soul train line. They still have those block parties, which my whole family attends, but I am always out of town. So it will be nice to be at a block party tomorrow, it will remind me of a favored family event.

I'm Waking Up

For some reason, I woke up the other morning (i think it was thursday) and felt better. I had this interaction with this women at my job

lisa: how are you doing?
Me: Good actually, that is rare nowadays
lisa: why is that rare?
Me: I dont know, just havent had any especially good days.
lisa: well what makes a bad day?
Me: Nothing in particular, just feeling blah
lisa: Well its a choice then (on whether to have a good or bad day)
Me: hmmm

Thats a good question. I can have a super bad attitude when i want to, which ususally tends to sabotage my relationships, when i don't feel like being bothered.

On another note, i feel in a addressing some things head on that have been on my mind. Its so hard for me to address things, i would rather avoid them and forget about them. But, some things need to be confronted for our own sanity.

One - i feel like i need to talk to some folks at my old church to tell them i am thinking about rolling out or just discuss what and how i am feeling. I dont want to just disappear and i dont want it to be awkward, when i see them around town, and they are like wow where have you been. When and how? there in lies the question.

Two - I'm starting to come to terms how I feel about my father. Cause I never feel like dealing with him. And doing so annoys me, and i have been trying to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that it is because he acts like we have a relationship (and like he has dont so much for me), when in fact we dont. He has always been around, but more than some financial support, thats really all i can say is he is just around. I'm annoyed because he expects me to call him and invest in our relationship, which i feel is non-existant for the most part. I feel like i need to say: I dont really call you because i feel rather detached and distant from you. You have not been a consistent and big part of my life for most of it. I dont want to pretend like we have a relationship when, truly i dont feel like i know you and i dont feel like you know me. Lets just be honest. I am 25 and i really dont know what it is like to have a father and its hard to invest in something, that i am not used to being part of my life. We have had interactions all of my life, not a relationship. I'm willing to try, but we have to get rid of these false interactions and start from scratch. You getting to know me and vice versa.

My mother told me to pray for my father and after I thought about all this, i think i really sincerely did for probably the first time. I still have to tell him all this though, there in lies the hard part. I hate being confrontational. Pray for me to be courageous.

But I Am Still Thirsty

Yesterday at my bible study, (remember we are doing the beatitudes) we went over the verse; hunger and thirst for righteousness. I thought our leader asked two very good questions:

1- what do you hunger or thirst for in your life? I said i want to be special and I am obsessed with having it together, being on top of things and doing things well.

2- what is a sin(s) is plaguing your life and your relationship with God?

What was interesting about this bible study, is that we went around and confessed the sins that have been pressing on our hearts. Intense. Its so hard and humbling to confess your sin before other people. Its so scary to put yourself out there. Because your weaknesses become exposed for all to see. I think we all publically morned our sin yesterday. In a way i havent done before,
because admitting it to others and thinking about all the other ones i didnt confess, it made me ashamed, but moreso it made me hate the sin in my life, how it was corrupting me, and how it i felt it has and had controlled me. I've felt guilty and sorry for my sin before, but i've never hated it. I begin to hate it , because it was comming to light and i had to take ownership for it in front of others and even to myself. We are not accustomed to having our dark places and secret exposed. I never really think about being a sinful person. That s probably the problem.

Thank God that his grace is sufficient and i am already forgiven. I thank God that I am counted as righteous and I am not condemned for getting it wrong all day everyday or all to often substituting to other things to quinch my thirst. One of my counterparts said last night, "i'm sick of it."I am sick of so many specific sins in my life, and I realized that so many things i just dont have the power to change in and of myself. That just makes me mad, but want to know God more, because it is impossible to come into his presence and not be changed. In the mist of my sin, I am glad I can cling to the righteousness of Christ, because my own is but fifthy rags.

A Bag of Funk

Ok so i haven't blogged in a while. I am in a funk and i just dont have much to say these days. So maybe i will just try to verbalize how i am feeling

• Well i have a perpetual headache or just a stuffy head
• I feel all discombobulated, like i cant get my head on straight on focused
• I dont feel like doing anything, even talking
• I'm trying to figure out what i want to do, why i am in school, and if thats what i want to do
• I feel so inadequate at work, school, and in my relationships
• I feel very unspecial
• I feel rather dry (I had two of my friends tell me i was dry) lol. upon hearing. I was DEVESTATED, because i consider myself a funny person. Isn't it funny how we get mad at people for telling us something that is not the way we would have characterized ourselves at all.
• I've been on a hiatis from my home church for like 2 months, and have been visiting this other church that i really like ( i feel such freedom and like I am so much more myself there and the world just keeps speaking to where i am now), but i still feel guilty for rolling out on my other church. But then I was listening to somebody talk passionately about their church the other day, and i was like wow, I wish i could feel that same way about my home church, but i don't. I really like alot of the people though. And what does that mean about me, about how I'm made and where i need to be i dont know. Then i am like i should just stop being a flake and honor my committment as a member of my church. I dont know, i also dont want to be lame and just roll out the back door forever and have people wondering, "what happened to Spirit." Then again, i dont want to suck it up and just be miserable. I'm waiting for some clear direction from God, cause i dont really trust my judgement these days.
• I feel like i dont know is the answer to every question in my life right now
• I dont feel like doing any school work because i am disinterested, I've procrastinated all weekend and tomorrow is monday. A bunch of work to do and I dont know where to start.
• We started LQ(Ladies of Quality) this week, which is a bible study for teen girls in my neighborhood that i help lead. That went ok, man these girls kill me, cause they always complaining about something, but no matter how much they frustrate me, they are funny and i love hanging out with them so much. Its probably the most frustrating and fun i have all week. Then a few of them are always at my house or want a ride or some food or something, which is stressful at times, but its nice to feel needed or feel like i am helping someone.
• I've realized just how selfish I am among other things. And it kills me how there are so may things about me that i want to but just cant change overnight.

I Don't Feel So Saved Today

I am so not a poet, and this a very rough draft i never got to revisit, but i wrote this when i was in the middle of one of the hardest years of my adult life (two years ago) when i wanted to leave a program I was involved in. Its a struggle with what I know in my head to be true about who God and what i see around me and feel in my heart. Struggling with God

I Don’t Feel So Saved Today

I don’t feel so saved today
Saved from what? Saved from who?
Saved from this world
This world of hate, oppression, babies crying, children dying
Saved from this world
Black on black crime, non of us have a dime, so why are we fighting over two nickels
I don’t feel so saved today
Saved from what? Saved from who?
Saved from this world, saved from my self
My thoughts of hate for this system injustice that my white middle class counterparts perpetuate
This world that has black people free but in bondage, I said free but in bondage
We are in bondage to our own limitations, in bondage to our own perceptions, rejections, reflections of what we never knew we used to be, kings and queens are pimps and ho’s, nigga’s and bitches
Oh excuse my imperfections
I said I don’t feel so saved today
Today I feel like crying, I feel like dying
Cause we are all blessed but screwed, scrude, crude and downright rude
Abused, misused, oppressed, suppressed, repressed, distressed, a downright mess
Me too, I don’t feel saved so I must take my frustrations out on you
Or whoever will listen to my pain
Pain of distress for my troubles, the problems and struggles of my people, of the oppressed people of this world
I cant sleep at night, twisting and turning, dreaming awake of a reality that will never be so why even fake
I’m sure they don’t feel saved today
Saved from their dry and sorry ass realities
I should be happy, I’m one of fortunate ones, I mean I got clothes, food and shelter
So why do I feel so lacking, so empty, so useless, so full of hate, anger and pain
I wear this shit like a stain
Tell me what have I got to gain
Life and life more abundantly my savior would say
I believed that yesterday, no the day before but not today
I cant believe that anymore cause see my life is full of abundance and things, people and experiences
But I’m empty, But I’m angry and you know what
I don’t feel so saved today
Life and Life more abundantly is what my savior would say
But remember that I don’t feel so saved today
So today I say
Where are you God
While this is going on, are you in the dusk or dawn
Cause when we rise we rise to the same troubles of yesterday, so where are you today
When I don’t feel so saved
Are you in the air, in my bible, in my church, where are you,
Your words are you my head. Life and life more abundantly is what you would have said
But you know what in my soul I feel dead
No faith, no love, no patience, no goodness, no kindness
This tree aint got no fruit
I guess I’m one of those seeds that never took root
Today I’m on rocky ground, my thoughts are not sound
Oh there goes a tear, one drop for me, two for the troubles of the world
I want to be saved from the troubles of this world, done with the troubles of this world
I don’t feel so saved today
But I want to be saved today
Saved from this cruel world and saved from myself
I want to save this world today, I want to save myself today
Saved from what, saved from who?
I want to save this world today, I want to save myself today
But I cant
So what do I do when my world is gray, when I cant pray
I said I tried that yesterday
And today I feel the same way
But tomorrow is a new day, and maybe I don’t feel so saved today
And that’s ok, cause tomorrow is on its way
And there is just one thing I have left to say
And that is the one thing today that I am happy to say
That I was saved on the day that you gave you life away
And knowing that, I think I’ll still struggle but I’ll be ok.Life and life more abundantly is what I say today

The Fellows Program

I am totally self publishing, but since i feel like i have little to say, I'm giving yall some other stuff i've done. This is an article i wrote recently for my church about this program i did there two years ago. It was published today. I am not really a fan of this piece, but you got some good stuff, some ok stuff and some bad stuff. This is ok. Anyway its my reflections of a christian discipleship program i did from Sept 03-June 04, as i was trying to figure out whether i wanted to go to seminary. I'm not in seminary now, but this program was a circumstance that was pivitol in my walk and struggle with God.

Like most 20 something’s, I hadn’t figured out exactly what I wanted to do with my life or how to move forward in my faith. My search for guidance in this process lead me to the Trinity Fellows Program. Though all the components of the program: being discipled, mentored, working in the marketplace, living with a Christian family, being a leader in the youth group and seminary classes greatly appealed to me, there were a few things that concerned me. One- I was Baptist and didn’t know what Presbyterian was. Two - I figured Trinity Presbyterian Church was a predominately white, affluent and conservative congregation and I am none of the above, and Three- Charlottesville was a small town and I had spent the last few years prior in DC, Seattle and NY. What would I have in common with this group? I thought. What rang true in my heart then and now, is Christ. I decided to come to the fellows program as a challenge to my thoughts, personhood and faith and most of all to do something radical in the name of Christ. I began to ask myself: are you willing to follow Christ wherever he leads you? He lead me here, I was scared and I knew those 9 months would be a hard journey, but I also knew that it would probably change my life. And indeed it has. My year as a fellow was probably the most challenging year of my life. It was nothing less than a culture shock to be truthful. However, it was full of great experiences and has provided a foundation for which I can live for Christ. That time was full of invaluable lessons about calling, discipleship, service and community, all of which I would not have had unless I participated in the fellows program.

Calling – Helping to bring redemption to distressed urban areas was what God had placed on my heart, but I didn’t know how that would pan out. Through my work experience and relationship with my mentor, I discovered an interest in urban redevelopment and am currently pursuing a master’s degree in that area. This call is being worked out as I live in the Prospect Avenue neighborhood and am a part of what God is doing there through Abundant Life Ministries.

Discipleship -- What I yearned for most in my young faith was guidance from older Christians, and I can honestly say that I have never had as many mature Christians pour into my life and change my perspectives as in the fellows program. My favorite time was bible study with John and Cathy because of their warmth, honestly and ability to point us to Christ.

Service –As fellows we committed 9 months to pursuing a “mission greater than ourselves.” I was unsure of what that mission was at times. As I look back, I realize it’s a call to humility, loving sacrificially and allowing the Kingdom of God to dwell within us so that it can spill out and be the light to the world; at work, at home and in the hard places in our society. We fought the battle of being consumed with self in our service to one another, the youth and in tutoring Abundant Life children.

Community -- Community was a hard lesson for our group, it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t clean and wasn’t microwavable. We all got along well, but it took us almost half the year to break down our walls. Ultimately, we bonded in our prayers for one another, in our laboring together and on our retreats to places like the Faith and Work Conference in NY. In those 9 months, where I felt I had very little in common with those around me, I realized commonality with others by finding my identity in Christ. That was the beginning of an ongoing lesson on how to share my sin, my burdens and myself in a community of faith.

I wish I could say the fellows program was easy, and there weren’t times when I wanted to quit. I was out of my comfort zone and that challenged me to think through hard questions I will probably spend the rest of my life answering about my faith, my life, my identity, my career, my relationships and worldview. I learned how hard it really is to follow Christ, but how awesome it is to walk with God.