I'm Waking Up
For some reason, I woke up the other morning (i think it was thursday) and felt better. I had this interaction with this women at my job
lisa: how are you doing?
Me: Good actually, that is rare nowadays
lisa: why is that rare?
Me: I dont know, just havent had any especially good days.
lisa: well what makes a bad day?
Me: Nothing in particular, just feeling blah
lisa: Well its a choice then (on whether to have a good or bad day)
Me: hmmm
Thats a good question. I can have a super bad attitude when i want to, which ususally tends to sabotage my relationships, when i don't feel like being bothered.
On another note, i feel in a addressing some things head on that have been on my mind. Its so hard for me to address things, i would rather avoid them and forget about them. But, some things need to be confronted for our own sanity.
One - i feel like i need to talk to some folks at my old church to tell them i am thinking about rolling out or just discuss what and how i am feeling. I dont want to just disappear and i dont want it to be awkward, when i see them around town, and they are like wow where have you been. When and how? there in lies the question.
Two - I'm starting to come to terms how I feel about my father. Cause I never feel like dealing with him. And doing so annoys me, and i have been trying to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that it is because he acts like we have a relationship (and like he has dont so much for me), when in fact we dont. He has always been around, but more than some financial support, thats really all i can say is he is just around. I'm annoyed because he expects me to call him and invest in our relationship, which i feel is non-existant for the most part. I feel like i need to say: I dont really call you because i feel rather detached and distant from you. You have not been a consistent and big part of my life for most of it. I dont want to pretend like we have a relationship when, truly i dont feel like i know you and i dont feel like you know me. Lets just be honest. I am 25 and i really dont know what it is like to have a father and its hard to invest in something, that i am not used to being part of my life. We have had interactions all of my life, not a relationship. I'm willing to try, but we have to get rid of these false interactions and start from scratch. You getting to know me and vice versa.
My mother told me to pray for my father and after I thought about all this, i think i really sincerely did for probably the first time. I still have to tell him all this though, there in lies the hard part. I hate being confrontational. Pray for me to be courageous.
lisa: how are you doing?
Me: Good actually, that is rare nowadays
lisa: why is that rare?
Me: I dont know, just havent had any especially good days.
lisa: well what makes a bad day?
Me: Nothing in particular, just feeling blah
lisa: Well its a choice then (on whether to have a good or bad day)
Me: hmmm
Thats a good question. I can have a super bad attitude when i want to, which ususally tends to sabotage my relationships, when i don't feel like being bothered.
On another note, i feel in a addressing some things head on that have been on my mind. Its so hard for me to address things, i would rather avoid them and forget about them. But, some things need to be confronted for our own sanity.
One - i feel like i need to talk to some folks at my old church to tell them i am thinking about rolling out or just discuss what and how i am feeling. I dont want to just disappear and i dont want it to be awkward, when i see them around town, and they are like wow where have you been. When and how? there in lies the question.
Two - I'm starting to come to terms how I feel about my father. Cause I never feel like dealing with him. And doing so annoys me, and i have been trying to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that it is because he acts like we have a relationship (and like he has dont so much for me), when in fact we dont. He has always been around, but more than some financial support, thats really all i can say is he is just around. I'm annoyed because he expects me to call him and invest in our relationship, which i feel is non-existant for the most part. I feel like i need to say: I dont really call you because i feel rather detached and distant from you. You have not been a consistent and big part of my life for most of it. I dont want to pretend like we have a relationship when, truly i dont feel like i know you and i dont feel like you know me. Lets just be honest. I am 25 and i really dont know what it is like to have a father and its hard to invest in something, that i am not used to being part of my life. We have had interactions all of my life, not a relationship. I'm willing to try, but we have to get rid of these false interactions and start from scratch. You getting to know me and vice versa.
My mother told me to pray for my father and after I thought about all this, i think i really sincerely did for probably the first time. I still have to tell him all this though, there in lies the hard part. I hate being confrontational. Pray for me to be courageous.
posted by SPIRIT at 6:26 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home