Desire Part 2: The Pathway to Purpose

I'd like to follow up on the theme of desire as it manifests itself in our life purpose. I just finished this book entitled "Pathway to Purpose" and it was life changing. I almost didn't read it because i was like, "i am tired and do not want to even think about my future," and it seemed kind of a like a cheesy commercial Christian self-help book. Oddly enough, most of the book was about how to enjoy God and your life where you are right now in hopes of the revealing of your purpose at some time in the future. Bingo. That is what i needed to hear. The chapters on forgetting your past, operating optimally in your current roles, peace and surrender spoke to me the most. This book and other things in my life has kind of freed me from the destination thinking...to be present and enjoy the life and place that I am right now.

I was with a group of women last night and alot of us were thinking about a verse in the psalm 57 "the lord will fulfill his purposes for me." Is that really true though? We asked ourselves... Can we REALLY trust God? Is He actually doing something while I am waiting and longing and in a place/job/situation which seems like a stand still and very far from my heart's desires. Or we ask, how did i get here? Is this a mistake? I think i am supposed to be somewhere else. OR When am I going to finally be doing what i desire? Psalm 57 also talks about finding refuge in the Lord, Him sending help from heaven to save us and Awaking to worship and exalt his name. I am tempted to rest in God while i wait for my purpose to revealed. I am inclined to believe he is rescuing me even now (sending his angels to minister to me) and i feel lead to awake to the life, joy and peace he has given to me today and praise him for it.

Last night, it seemed most of us had desires to be doing more, something else, something within us that has gone unfulfilled that were were working on, working out, hoping for or waiting on. Sometimes, i think about my life, "this must be a mistake, i think i am supposed to be working somewhere else, doing something more meaningful, making more money." Surely, there has been some mistake. But these days, i have just stopped worrying about it, and have stopped searching for a destination in my life and career and abandon myself to the journey...to the present moment...to the life God has given me today. I must remind myself that life is a journey, a path and I am exactly where i am mean to be right now. It's hard and a daily struggle, but that change in perspective has been freeing.

In my journey, i am always reminded of Joseph, Issac's son who had two dreams that he would be great when he was a boy, but he was not in his position until years later (over 15 years later). In between his vision and fulfillment was betrayal, being sold into slavery, working as a slave, being accused of sexual abuse, and then jail, interpreting dreams and then being left behind. All of this happened before he was ruler of Egypt. As i think of Joseph's story, my own life and my conversation last night....I ask what is all of the in between for God? I am ready to be second only to the King. I can use some work in the area of humility folks (and I am reminded of the scripture, to not think more highly of yourself then you ought). But am i really ready? No. If i were, would I be here. I think God is more concerned with our character than our career and more concerned with us knowing Him then us fulfilling His purposes for our lives. How would we know him as a healer unless we had heart ache and brokenness, how would we know him as our peace unless we experienced chaos, would we learn to trust him if he gave us everything we wanted right away, if he gave us a husband, would be know that he is the one who loves us perfectly and is the desire of our soul? How else would be know these things, if he did not teach us through our lives, our longings, our past, our pain and in our wanting and waiting. He is forming us into the image of his Son through our everyday lives. While Joseph was a servant and in prison, he was being prepared for his destiny. God was building his character, strengthening his faith, refining his skills, using him to bless people and getting his mind and heart renewed and ready to serve at a higher level of responsibility. And with that perspective, i humbly say, "Lord, i have so much to learn" I know that i am not ready. To this, i respond with the prayer of: teach me what I am to learn at this moment and in this place. Help me to not be a grumbling Israelite wondering in the wilderness when you have provided for me along the way and before me lies a land flowing with milk and honey.

I heard a sermon a few months ago about Joseph's journey in which the preacher likened Joseph's journey to our own discipleship journey...going from a self-centered view of our purpose and life to a God-centered view. A more God centered view would be focusing on God and not our current situation, believing that he is working in us and working out the situation and surrendering to what our life is right now....and choosing to enjoy the lessons and destination we are right now. It's saying, "not my will, but thy will be done," and trusting that God's will is good and way better than our own. His timing is far better than ours as well. So we wait in hope and expectation, but with intention and paying attention to what he is saying to us right now.

Secondly, he emphasized that it is our job to be in step with Christ and discern whether this is a time of relationship (deepening our relationship to Christ, building new ones with people or working on rebuilding those from the past) or rulership (God increasing our level of responsibility). For me a time of relationship, deepening my relationship with God through silence, rest and awareness, healing from my past and going down deep into those relationships that i currently have. Knowing this, i have been able to resist some of the urges to grab...to get what is mine, to want more, better and faster. By the grace of God, for once, my heart is at peace with the now and it has been beautiful to see how God has met me here and spoken so much to me, so much freedom, so much healing. I am glad I have stayed still long enough to listen.

I will leave you with this quote

"Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path....exactly where you are meant to be right now...And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love"

---Caroline Adams

The Heart's Desires

I have been thinking about desire lately..both sexually and even more so, the desires of my soul. I am not sure how I got on the topic, but i have been trying to understand and dig up the core of my own lately. I suppose it all came about when i was thinking, meditating on the following quotes/scripture:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4

"Becoming is an inside out job. Instead of the busy pace of acquiring skills and knowledge, becoming involves slowing down and connecting with the desires, values and hopes that are often buried underneath the load of duties and obligations and responsibilities. Becomings is a process...one that takes attention and intention if we are to grow a life that flourishes and is fruitful." (i don't know who wrote this)

The place to which God calls you is where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. {Frederick Buechner}

To know what you prefer instead of humbly staying Amen to what the world tells you you ouught to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive? {Robert Luis Stevenson}

When i read these, i think "What are the desires of my heart?" and that question makes me want to know those more, so that i can own them, pursue them, live out of them and ultimately give them back to God (since i think he has placed them in me) to say, what am i to do with these or how are YOU going to fulfill these or meet me in my longing.Some of my core ones are like most peoples, to be loved, to be known, to know others, to be in community, for my life to have meaning and significance (to have touched people, encouraged them, loved them well and made the world a better place). But uniquely, i desire to live life to the fullest (fully engaged, fully myself, maximizing my potential and full of joy and contentment) and to guide others in their journey to discovering themselves, their uniqueness, to become who God has made them to be and who they have only dreamed of becoming. I love the idea of helping people find their voice and figuring out where and how to use it. Secondly, i love the idea of redemption and renewal. It's why i wanted to be involved in community development...to be like Nehemiah and go to those broken places and rebuild the ruins. I want to be a part of that, to take places and people that are broken, downtrotten and dismissed and re-imagine them, to be a bearer of life, light and hope and ultimately to be a helper on their road to renewal. My profession as a City Planner, has made me think about and desire that in places, but my life, experience in creating and putting together poetry readings and listening to people's stories around the world (of brokenness and renewal) has made me want to do that with people. To listen to their stories, help them find God in their stories and in themselves, help them find their true self, values, desires and help them to live life out of it (helping them meet their goals). What does that mean? i dont know, i am thinking of being a life coach, but my vison is more than that. Its more than meeting goals..its about purpose, uniqueness, healing and proclaiming renewal....all in the name of Jesus.

I love to hear the desires of other peoples hearts and learn about God from them. I broched this topic in my small group last week and it was beautiful that we could share our hearts desires with one another. And some people were nervous and afraid to share because, then its out there and you are kind of accountable to it or you have admitted your vulnerability (that always hurts in public). I have avoided longing and desire most of my life, because its like a soul ache and what do you do with that? But as i learn to be more mindful and present in my life and emotions, it makes me want to sit with my longings and not be afraid of them. To give them to God to care for, to give God my whole heart, self and life to care for. I think i have been afraid of longng for two reasons:1) I am afraid of being disappointed if they are not met, or getting miserable or bitter while i am waiting for them to be met and 2) I am afraid that the longing will overwhelm or destroy me. I think we all hate pain, we avoid it at all costs, but isnt that kind of what longing is, a soul ache and sexually a physical ache for something more, for the fulfillment of something we have had a vision for or fortaste of and we want more. My natural inclinaton is to stuff things down or avoid them, so that i can get through life without being disappointed. I find something wrong with that though, because as a Christian, aren't we suppposed to be a people of longing (for the kindgom and christ) and fully commited to and pursuing hope? Dont we live in the point in history of the already (the kingdom has already come in one sense) and the not yet (there is a greater fullness to be manifested). So i have decided to follow my longings (my holy ones), to sit with my unholy ones and let them be and go as they come, to pursue the desires of my heart and see where they take me , to be a person living out of desire and hope.

In all of this, i have been thinking about Marriage, whether it is something i really want, and i am still not sure. On some level, i really just want to have sex and to not be alone, but does that i truly desire to get married? On another level, i think i am just scared to give and commit myself fully to another....for the rest of my life (yikes). Ultimately, i have come to the conclusion that marriage is a wonderful gift from God, that teaches us like no other relationship on earth about unity and love. I am open to receiving this as a gift if God wants to give it, but really if it's just a metaphor for God's love and pursuit of us, i want to first get a fortaste of the real love, unity and intimacy that comes from knowing Christ. Because, what i really long for is God, to be known and touched on a deeper level....to be pursued, to be delighted in, to have someone to trust, guide me, to rest in and walk with through life. If i can have that with God, the way i figure it.....marriage is just icing on the cake. Well then, i want my cake, i want to eat it too and i want icing on it. Yes God, i'd like to order a big chunk of that and i am not afraid to order it, because even if you do not bring me what i expect, i know whatever you bring to me table will be good and in the end I will not be disappointed.

Present Moment...Wonderful Moment

I have been trying to practice mindfulness, to be more aware and present in my own life and body. To relish the present moment, to remember that I am alive and notice that i am walking, breathing, seeing, experiencing and feeling. I was introduced to the practice while I volunteering at drug rehabilitation center in Thailand which happened to practice meditation and mindfulness as part of their treatment...and i wanted more of it. TO BE PRESENT IN MY LIFE!!! Something about the thought makes me realize the difference between actually living and just being alive...between thriving and barely surviving or between joy and dissatisfaction.

See, i am always in my head, in the past(replaying it or brooding over it) or in the future (worrying, planning and preparing for it) , but rarely am i experiencing and enjoying the fullness of the present moment...where i am at this point in my life. I am always wanting to be somewhere else (better job, new place, more accomplished) or someone else (wanting to change myself). I am trying to learn how to slow down and just "be." Be present in all of the places and roles that God has placed me in right now today.

Recently, on my way to work, i try pay attention, to be present in my body, see all the old things in a new way, feel my feet pressing against pavement, the breeze against my face, look at the trees and plants all around me (all the life and aliveness i have been ignoring). I take a whiff of the lavender i pass every day, touch a leaf, count the different types of plants and trees i am seeing.  I notice: the street names, the models and makes of cars, the people i pass and the houses and signs in a new way. In some ways, this new seeing has awakened me to the beauty and slender of life....and it has been beautiful.

"God holds out an invitation to us - an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol [and simply BE]."  Desmond Tutu

Fighting the Good Fight

I am not sure how i navigated back my blog, but somehow i got back here today. Its lovely to see in writing where we have come from. I beleive that i started this blog on the first days as an intern in my current department 6 years ago. Since then, ive graduated, moved to NY, come back, got a full time job here, started a youth leadership development program, won employee of the year for the department, started a poetry event, went around the world, came back here to C'ville in my job, contemplated leaving and went through a highly selective process to do so, declined and now i am just chilling. Alot happens in 6 years.

Its been more than year and a half since i last blogged. I kind of miss blogging, so I am going to start writing again. I think it will help me process this season of calm and rest that i am in. I have come to realize many things recently, mostly that you have to fight for your sanity, mental, spiritual and emotional health and your sense of rest. Usually i have to fight with myself about these things.

New Years Regret

On the eve of new years last
I wish I would have stayed home
I might have been alone
But I would have been $60 richer, 12 hours more productive and 40 degrees warmer

What I really wanted to do was see the infamous ball drop in New York City
But what idiot would dare
Willingly be stuck in a cold and crowded times square
Standing outside all day for 10 seconds of hip hop hurray
Maybe another day I say

But I was determined to party
I declare this will be an evening to clean my plate of boredom
I am tired of that night being so full of hot air
It was time to get rid of the bloating and burp with bliss

For as far back as I could remember, I did nothing unique
Maybe celebrate with a a drink
Maybe praying for a good year at church
Maybe crying over last years mistakes and hurts

So I drove 3 hours to be with friends and we went out
BustBoys and Poets was gonna be on an poppin without a doubt
We walked in feeling confident and looking cute
All of us had on dresses and knee length boots

At the first stop
We eat fancy food and took free shots
Too many lame people were up in this spot
Next stop

The shuttle to the 14th street location and that rocked
I was at home in a sea of cropped tops and dreadlocks
We dropped it like it was hot
Till my head was spinning and I had to stop
into a seat I dropped

I looked out and here is the scene
A table full of ordeuvres and liquor and a girl at is side throwing up green
Another girl riding on shoulders
Her friends staggering with a drink in one hand and the other attempting to hold her

I just remember sitting in a booth
Being in a room with people who had drank too much
Wondering why I wanted to start a new year with such debauchery and ruckus
I guess being able to tell people I did something fun was a costly plus

So I drank more champagne
Acted like I was having fun
But I felt lame
Except for 3 people, nobody even new my name

All the same
Making this a memorable evening was weighing heavy on my brain
But looking back
It was an evening marred with disappointment
A hard to remove stain

It was all poignantly purposeless
And the memory of new years 2009
I stack away with a declaimer in my mind with this line
This was the day that I was so determined not to be a plain Jane
That I spent too much money investing hours of my prime
In a waist of time

The Only Constant

My friend sent me this writing prompt which tasked one to list your major accomplishments for the year as we approach a new year. So I started to list some. They mostly pertained to work or personal goals. It was kind of cool to see that even though most days we are stuck in the everyday muck and mundaneness of life, I got some cool things done. This prompted me to open the letter I write to myself every new years about what happened last year and my goals for the upcoming year. I was encouraged to see I achieved a number of my goals (although most I did not even attempt), but the beautiful thing is see the amazing things that happened this year that I couldn't’t have expected. Places I went, answered prayers, things I made happen, other things that happened to me. I also realized how many things also remain the same. So many of the things I wrote about last year are still so pertinent that I could easily write those same words today. Change is slow and steady at the same time. Every year I grow more into myself, I fill my shoes, I blossom, I fall and I fail. I realize (as a self reflective person) that as familiar that I am with myself, so much of who I am feels like a complete stranger to me. So I look forward to getting acquainted with whatever new elements of self that arrive on the scene in 2010.

I think I am going to add another element to the annual letter to myself this year. It will be about what I have learned this year, about the world, about myself and the things I still need to learn. I hoping that a number of the elements in my life will be drastically different in the next 12 months, maybe not but I doubt I will remain unchanged. That’s what I am looking forward to the most, change. It’s the only thing that’s constant.

Marching Onward

(A response to William Meredith's a Major Work)

Death is hard to live through
Life we cease to understand
Failure is something we fear
And how we loved is all we remember in the end.

But whether from a flash of inspiration
Or a divine hand
The heart, mind and soul converge
And the body marches onward

5 Haikus

Thanksgiving

Give thanks for blessings
Eat turkey greens and stuffing
Enjoy your kinfolk

Bursting Inside

I'm bored and restless
Energy bursting inside
Mind and Body Tired

Artists II

Poets paint words
Singers spring sound on deaf poems
Painters sing in hues

A true story

Walked into a bar
Wham! I fell on my face Damn!
I ran out the door

Plankton

On the tops of waves
Reaching toward the sun rays
Perched in a green haze

The Artist

The Artist

Songs are soothing to the soul
Poems are tantalizing to the mind
Dance and Theater bring our dormant limbs and stories alive
And Paintings and Pictures freeze the beautiful in time
But whether from divine inspiration
or the need to create
Art is born
And our hearts are moved with imagination

I'll be an artist sometime soon!!!

Something funny happened to me today. One of my co-workers randomly said, hey Ebony, you ever think about doing something more artistic. You seem too creative to be a planner. I said, huh, I've been thinking the same thing lately. I think I'll be an artist sometime soon. Whatever that means.

So what does that mean? I don't know, but i think i will spend the next few months thinking about how i can be more creative and then finding something that allows me to do whatever that is for pay. How about that.

Just stuff going through my head

Julia/Julia

I had the pleasure of seeing Julia/Julia. Its about a women who had a crappy job and wants something to look forward to daily and something to finish (she never finishes anything). She loves to cook, so she decides to work through Julia Child's 700 page cookbook in a year. So she does and finishes (and blogs about it and gets a following). It also chronicles Julia Child's life. While in France she falls in love with french cuisine, goes to cooking school and becomes a cooking icon. The movie was good, but the message i got was - find something you absolutely love, resolve to do it as much or often as you can, share it with the world and it will turn out to shape you (and the world) in ways you would have never imagined.

Living by Standards

I met this guy that other day, who was a man of standards. An activist and atheist. He lives by his beliefs which i appreciate. He thought driving was bad for the environment so he doesn't have a car (even though he lives in one of the coldest places in the US). He believes that animal testing, slaughter and agribusiness is wrong, bad for our bodies, economy and the environment so he is a vegan. Involved in the anti war movement he actively marches, engages in protest and has been to jail often. I appreciate people who have beliefs, live by them and their lives and behaviors are altered by those standards. I come into contact with so few people who live like that. So few Christians who live radically.

I also find it interesting that most people would also appreciate and respect that he feels strongly about the things he cares about, encourages people to care about them too and believes they are right and important. They shape his behavior. But many scarf at Christians that feel strongly about their beliefs, encourage people to believe them too and whose lives are different because of them. He probably would too.

Who Can I Run To?

I don’t think that we understand the weight of Hell and the reality of the fate of the wicked (unredeemed). But I don’t think beating people over the head with the fact that they are bound for hell is the answer. Because people are suffering now, nobody cares about some eternal fate. Maybe this world is hell and the Kingdom of God is Heaven. A stark contrast still. I definitely want to be a part of the kingdom the Christ talks about. That’s probably better motivation. But in the short term, most people want to know how to live with purpose and fulfillment now. I do not think people become Christians because they want to avoid hell, and one who does is probably only motivated by compulsion and guilt. I do not think God wants us to live like that. It would be a cool survey to ask people who are committed Christians why they follow Christ and ask them to give a personal/non-religious answer.

So I will start with myself. Ebony, why do you follow Christ? I think because in this chaotic and crazy world it helps to have a standard and stability from an outside source. I need something or someone to sustain me through my life, I need power and strength that I do not posses within myself, some truth to hold onto, and fulfillment and purpose to strive for, otherwise life seems meaningless. I also understand that when left to my own devices how ugly I have the propensity of being. I need a transformed life, a transformed heart and mind. I want to be better than I am right now and I can’t do that by myself. Lastly, my favorite story in the bile is that of the women at the well, because Christ says to a women seeking water at a well everyday, that he can offer a wellspring and will quench her thirst. That’s what I am looking for, a wellspring that will quench my thirst and I don’t think anything or anyone on earth can provide me with that. So I follow Christ because I thirst and I believe there is nothing or no one else that can actually quench it, but God. There is a song by the group Escape entitled “Who can I run to?” that sort of gets at the essence of this. Though it’s about a man, I think we all at some time have these same questions. And the answer is not in a man, woman, career or even our life’s purpose, but hidden in Christ.

"Who can I run to?"

As I stand here contemplating,
On the right thing to decide.
Will I take the wrong direction,
All my life,
where will I go,
What lies ahead of me?

I have strong determination,
And I'm not afraid of change.
I have yet to find that someone,
Who would care to satisfy me,
To stay right by me.

[Chorus:]

Who can I run to,
To share this empty space?
Who can I run to,
When I need love?
Who can I run to,
To fill this empty space with laughter?
Who can I run to,
When I need love?

And my mind is so confusing,
Who would be that special one?
Everyday I'm trying to find you,
All along, I've got to know,
Is there a place for me?

I know love has many names,
And a message very clear.
All it takes is time and patience,
To bring you near,
But look at me, tell me

[Repeat Chorus]

Am I Really Evil?

I’ve been thinking about evil. I’m in this bible study and we are going through the Truth Project, and we are talking about the cosmic battle between good and evil. How we have a misconception that man is inherently good. On the contrary, the bible says that man in this fallen world is inherently evil. I think that the average person would not see themselves as evil. Why? Because we associate evil with the extremely bad, twisted and disturbed, like Hitler, Terrorists, Serial Killers of somebody like that. I think most people would say they commit sin and do bad things, but evil or wicked seems kind of extreme doesn’t it.

Although I think there is a spectrum (meaning some things are worst than others), most likely our definition of evil must be a bit off if God sees fallen man as evil and we think we are generally good people who occasionally do bad things. I think at the basic level evil its being disobedient and rebellious toward the ways, order, authority and purposes of God. How did sin start? Adam didn’t kill anyone, he was disobedient. That is when we do evil in God’s sight. Humanity basically wants to do what it wants to do and wants to follow our own desires. Isn’t that the story of Israel? Isn’t every other page in the old testament about God saying this is how to live, what you should do, what you were made for, trust me and Israel continually went their own way. And the Old Testament continually says “and they did what was evil in the eyes of the Lord.” If we define evil in a spiritual sense is disobedience toward some principle of God, I think we would see ourselves as we really are, with evil and rebellious hearts, hating God’s order and preferring our own (however destructive and unproductive it is).

If we look around at the war, famine, disease and poverty going on throughout the world we would agree, that man is pretty evil and selfish. How about the sad part is that we do not even know the depravity of our own hearts. God does, and that is why he has purposed to give new hearts and minds to those who submit to him. That’s why we need his word to store in our hearts and minds, so that we can replace our evil thoughts and desires (which are embedded in lies) with God’s truth. So I think my prayer will be that God actually show me the wickedness in my heart so that I can see myself for who I really am and go to him to be changed.

What is Truth?

So i am doing this bible study called the Truth Project. Its essentially about examining God's truth and how it applies to every area of our lives. One of the first questions is: What is truth? And there were a number of answers but the truth project came up with something similar to "God's view of reality." So truth is reality, but not our reality, because our reality is skewed by our limited view of life and situations, our feelings, sin and environment. God is not limited, has created all and has a perfect view of reality. So truth begins and ends with him. So I suppose we will be looking at God's truth over 12 weeks as a way to gaze into his face and be transformed. One who has seen the face of God can not help but be transformed. Transformed people (see all in the bible that came into the presence of God) change the world. What if we really lived according to God's truth?All of this reminds me of a poem i heard a few months ago. It was bout truth and reality. Like truth being God will supply all of your needs -- reality is you are hungry with no money. Anyway lesson one ended in -- do you really believe that what you believe is really real? And to follow up, do you actions exhibit that?

2nd thing i have been thinking about is what would my life look like if i made God a priority. I feel like a Martha, distracted by busyness and i need to be a Mary, at the feet of Jesus. Once i make things a priority they usually happen. So if i thought about my relationship with God, like i thought about being healthy and exercise, I'd be in better spiritual shape. I plan my day around exercise, whether i go in the morning or evening. I wake up at 5:30 am many mornings to go to the gym. I try to incorporate it into my everyday life (like i walk to work) and am as active as i can. I try to eat healthy as much as i can and limit the amount of junk i take in.

So if i transferred that into my spiritual life - I would wake up early to be with God, I would structure my day around it, I would do it as much as possible, I would try to incorporate it throughout my everyday life and I would make it a constant goal to ingest good spiritual food.

As a friend once told me, i can only focus on about 3 things to at a time (and at that time being a good friend wasn't one of them to his chagrin). Because i usually set my priorities for the season. So this fall/winter, I think I will make God a priority and have that shape my time. I'll let you know how that's working for me, but i believe I wont regret it. I was encouraged by my email devotional this morning (my mother signed me up for this without my knowledge, but most days its good).

"Be at peace and take opportunities to rest in Me. For, it is time for you to be refreshed and renewed in your body, soul and spirit. Be deliberate in your decisions to come into My presence to find restoration and healing. Don't hesitate. Come often. Set aside time to be quiet and seek My face, says the Lord. You will not regret it. Come!"

Psalm 37:5-8 Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath; do not fret--it only causes harm.

Small Town Living

I've decided after 6 years that i actually like small town living. How about that. I like being able to walk home from work and run into about 10-15 people. Where i live is probably like 1 degree of separation. So within my l.5 mile walk home i wave, stop and chat, run into people i need to call or want to do business with. Its kind of nice. To Be Continued. I have to go now.

Thanks for Listening

Today has been a day of answered prayers. Small prayers but amazing how God knows and listens to your heart.

Spiritual Life

Last night, I was frustrated and aggravated about many things. So randomly a friend of mine called me up to follow up with some details we discussed a month prior and BAM!!!, we started talking about how I was doing, my relationship with God (strained), prayer life (lacking) etc. We ended up praying on the phone and I was really encouraged to make small steps toward God. She instructed me to call her at 12:00 today (we prayed and read the bible) and come by her house to pick up a daily devotional. She invited me to a bible study and to attend church with her. Which was exactly what I needed, because so much of life I have to approach by myself and that's been tougher than usual lately.

Workout

I have been a workout nut for the last 13 months and recently I have lost my motivation and would rather eat or sleep instead of working out (slightly depressed). So last night I was thinking, I really need a workout partner or I am going to really fall off on working out. Low and behold one of my co-workers walks into my office today and says "what is your workout schedule this week" and I say, i don't have one I am really unmotivated. She says, "lets work out."So on a week that i really need it, I have a workout buddy.

Event

I host this monthly event and I am kind of sick of doing it because it's alot of work and has been hard to find a permanent home. So I say to myself, unless someone approaches me and wants to commit to doing it for a few months, I am not doing it anymore (these were my exact thoughts on my way to work). Today, while I am at work, someone comes looking for me asking about a potential collaboration and we end up putting potential dates on the calender for the next three months. I guess that means i am supposed to continue.

Lunch

The following things are not related, but they are. All of my friends have moved away and I have not cooked anything to have for lunch and have been buying my meals for the past five days. So today, i get an email from a new friend I am quite fond of asking to buy me lunch. Free lunch with new friends, what else can you ask for.

Make a Memory

This weekend I made a concious effort to make a memory. I visited my college friends in DC and after brunch on sunday we were supposed to go bike riding. Well wouldn't it have you that while we were leaving the restaurant, a monsoon has just finished. So we decided to cancel and we went our seperate ways (me on my 2.5 hour ride home). On my way home (20 minutes later), i called them back and suggested we proceed because the sun looked like it was coming out. My thought was what the hell am I in a rush to go back home for? to eat diner and prepare for work (lame). So we ended up going on a 3 hour night bike tour in DC around the momuments. Definately a memorable event. I lived in DC for almost 5 years and had seen most of the momuments, but we some new places and learned some new facts on a very beutiful night. Of course I didn't make it home that night but woke up early and got to work right about when I normally do. So if you have the chance to do the sensible thing or go out on a limb, go out on a limb and take the chance to make a memory.

Living a Good Story

Yesterday, I was supposed to work out after work. I was gonna go to this athletic conditioning (i.e. boot camp) class at another branch of the gym i attend, but felt sort of winded and just wasn't up to it. So, because i am rather bored with my life (or have tons of stuff to do that i don't want to) I decided to go to Barnes and Nobles to get a good book to help me escape my own story by jumping into a fictional one. Perhaps this is a consistent theme this week because I also watched 4 1/2 movies on Sunday. After running nearly 9 miles on a whim on Saturday afternoon, i was too tired to do anything else. Anyway i digress.

I went in and immediately saw Donald Miller's book "A Million Miles in A Thousand Years" which i read most of last night and finished it this morning. Its about life as a story. You are the protagonist always in a plot and your goal is to live a good story, make your life meaningful and create memories. Great Book. So my take aways:

1. A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. A great story is about the character(s) sacrificing something great or even approaching very difficult situations (death) to get there.
2. The point of our story is the journey, its about developing the Character. Allowing yourself to face your fears and be transformed.
3. Get off your couch, turn off your TV and begin to make memories for yourself and those around you.
4. Ambitions makes life more meaningful. Have something you are moving toward that makes waking up worthwhile.
5. Living a great story will be hard, but the benefits are worthwhile (greater hope, friends and accomplishments), the alternatives are meaninglessness and time wasting.
6. Do not fear. Conflict and hardships move the plot to the next level. A story with no conflict is a bad and uninteresting story.
7. Its not all about you. God is the Writer, you are "a tree in a story about a forest". Believe that God can write a better story than you. So cooperate with where He is/wants to take your story.
8. God is a great Writer and Story teller, the bible and our lives are sub plots wrapped up in a larger story. So, just as we like to see good and evil, characters overcoming conflict etc in a good movie, we should also accept it as part of the larger story God is writing over human history.
9. In this life we have climaxes, but there will not be an ultimate happy (perfect) ending until Jesus returns.

SO......embrace and live out your story. Make it interesting and meaningful (make good scenes), press into and through conflict, go out on a limb, face your fears, do things you only dreamed of or never thought you could do in a million years, make your dreams a reality and sacrifice makes a story even more compelling.......And when you meet God you can discuss all the memorable moments in your life and hopefully he will say "Well Done."

Be a Good Character by Living a Good Story.

Do you ever want to stop time and drop all the crap you are doing and go for an extended vacation and perhaps never come back? That's how i feel right now. I'm probably just premenstrual and irrational. Next summer seems so far away for my around the world trip. I don't think i have anything else to say today.

The Breaking Point

Two of my very close friends broke up with their boyfriends recently for very similar reasons. The men lacked a vision or purpose for their own lives and by virtue was not taking on a leadership role in the relationship. No lack of love, the overarching theme was that their boyfriends was not what they wanted in a long term relationship (not right now anyway). They came to a deal breaking point, a very painful one.

Which gets me to thinking about whether its OK to date someone you know you are not going to marry or have the qualities you want in someone you would marry. What are your deal breakers and what are the flaws you can live with? At what point/age is important to stop dating frivolously.

I think sometime women are so scared of being alone, they think that something and someone that is nice to them, shows them some attention and spends time with them will do for right now. But i have never seen that work out well. Usually its one-two years later and they break up because of the reasons she probably shouldn't have dated him in the first place. But wasn't there some good lessons/times in the relationship? Was that a waste of time or just part of her experience? or Should she have avoided it altogether and saved them both the heartbreak?

I've always had the unfortunate opportunity to have men interested in me who i am not interested in for a variety of reasons, namely because i am not attracted to them or they are not Christians, but usually both. Which has left me single for most of my life, but in the few instances when i say what the hell and give it a chance, I'm not ultimately happy. Maybe because i am a risk management type of person and go with logic and rationality over my feelings.

I was at this women's prayer group/bible study the other day and this women gave a prophetic word which i thought was apropos. She said that you will know when the right person has come along because your spirit and values will mesh with his, he will be walking in the same direction as you. Anyone else that comes your way that you know is not for you, you need to pass them up and pass them by. She said that Jesus knows what you need as a women (to be loved, held and desired). However, he wants you to give all your love to him first, so that no man can take your eyes off of Him. That when your gifting of a man comes into your life or he gets off track that your eyes would be on Jesus. Could it be that we are looking for men to fulfill what Jesus only can.

Truth and Reality are some hard things reconcile as a person of faith/beleiver. The reality is that you may feel or be alone, but the truth is God will never leave you or forsake you. The reality is that you are breaking up with a nice guy who is most of the things you need, but lacks some deal breakers and you feel like where am i gonna find a guy like him. The truth is...God can do exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask for or imagine. The reality is you may never get married or have children, the Truth is God will supply all of your needs, that he will give you the desires of your heart (if you delight in him), that you can still bear the fruit of the spirit and be a mother to many.

So, I would encourage you to think about your reality and the lies that you are beleiving in your life and replace that with the truth of Gods word. If you say you have faith, its pointless if it's not in action (in our thoughts, words and deed). God's truth will get you through and past your breaking point.

Maybe

This past week I am just amazed at how much God has and is doing some good things through me. I had the opportunity to be the speaker in a Graduate class at UVA and i spoke to some middle school girls about my story and being a leader. Then at my performance eval, i went over some of my accomplishments this year at work. Although we get bogged down in the details in life we forget to look up and back to see where we came from. So this week i had a chanee to do that. I was able to teach some grad students (i was in there shoes about 4 years ago) the in's and out of neighborhood planning. I realized i knew quite a bit. With the middle school students i reflected on my life, past and accomplishments through poetry. Sometimes i cant even beleive my own story (some of it feels like a lifetime ago), i am truly a different person for the better. I think i actually am becoming a poet too, its cool to see. And at a time when work is a bit less than fireworks, i was able to see all of the important things i've got done. So this week, i say, maybe i am pretty darn incredible....maybe

So here is a few words of wisdom i got in a forward this morning.

Maybe. . we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the rightone so that, when we finally meet theright person, we will know how to begrateful for that gift.

Maybe. . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, oftentimes, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the newone which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it,but it is also true that we don't knowwhat we have been missing until itarrives.

Maybe . . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe. . the brightest future willalways be based on a forgotten past;after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let goof your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe. ... there are moments in life when you miss someone -- a parent, aspouse, a friend, a child -- so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . . the best kind of friend isthe kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe. . you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feelthat something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person,too.

Maybe. . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even ifit is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe. giving someone all your loveis never an assurance that they willlove you back. Don't expect love inreturn; just wait for it to grow intheir heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . . happiness waits for allthose who cry, all those who hurt, allthose who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all thepeople who have touched their lives.

Maybe. . you shouldn't go forlooks; they can deceive; don't go forwealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, becauseit takes only a smile to make a darkday seem bright. Find the one thatmakes your heart smile.

Maybe. . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because whenyou were born, you were crying andeveryone around you was smiling butwhen you die, you can be the one whois smiling and everyone around youcrying.

Two Must Sees

The Princess & the Frog

Disney creates a animated movie staring a black princess. "Not only is she the first black princess, she's the first American princess. We've never had an American princess. So, the scope and the significance is larger than people even realize." She is from New Orleans, which is cool (although all the other characters are from places that seem alot more fairly tale), but its certainly a huge step.

Precious

I saw this trailer a few months ago and then last weekend and i was mesmerized. It looks like a must see. Somebody needs to get an Oscar from this one. Its executive produced by Oprah and Tyler Perry and has already won awards at the Sundance film festival. I was so obsessed that i went out and bought the book it was based on "Push," and read it the next day. Its a wonderful tale of deep pain, trial and perseverance, hope and triumph. It makes me want to work to see the good and beautiful in those the world has thrown out to trash. The ending message, push through the pain and resistance and realize that you and all of us are precious (i.e. something of value).

Below is a synopsis:

Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire" is a vibrant, honest and resoundingly hopeful film about the human capacity to grow and overcome.

Set in Harlem in 1987, it is the story of Claireece "Precious" Jones (Gabourey Sidibe), a sixteen-year-old African-American girl born into a life no one would want. She's pregnant for the second time by her absent father; at home, she must wait hand and foot on her mother (Mo'Nique), a poisonously angry woman who abuses her emotionally and physically. School is a place of chaos, and Precious has reached the ninth grade with good marks and an awful secret: she can neither read nor write.Precious may sometimes be down, but she is never out. Beneath her impassive expression is a watchful, curious young woman with an inchoate but unshakeable sense that other possibilities exist for her. Threatened with expulsion, Precious is offered the chance to transfer to an alternative school, Each One/Teach One. Precious doesn’t know the meaning of "alternative," but her instincts tell her this is the chance she has been waiting for. In the literacy workshop taught by the patient yet firm Ms. Rain (Paula Patton), Precious begins a journey that will lead her from darkness, pain and powerlessness to light, love and self-determination. "

When I finished watching that movie, first of all, I literally had to breathe," said Winfrey. "And I didn't cry until the card came up saying 'for precious girls everywhere.' And that hit a nerve. I recognized myself in that character and most of all, I have seen the precious girls of the world and they have been invisible to me."

People are better than no people.

So, I read this book over the weekend and it reminded me of how important it is to journal as a way of processing life. I always have 10 million things swimming around in my head and maybe if i got them out, i'd sleep better. So i am challenging myself to take 15 minutes a day to write over the next 30 days. I'll be writing on my blog and in my journal - thoughts, prayers and poems.

Today I was thinking about friendship. I've actually been thinking about it over the last few weeks since 1) it seems like most of my close friends have moved away and thus do not live in the same town as me and 2) i know a whole lot of people but feel close and connected to very few.

On my way to work, I saw this little girl who is best friends with this other little girl i know. They have probably been friends since they were 3 and now i think they are in the 2nd grade. Everybody knows they are best friends, they proclaim it vehemently. I remember my best friend from the 2nd grade. We stopped being friends by the 5th or 6th grade probably because i moved into the talented and gifted class. Anyway, since then, i have been leery of using the term best friend and probably of friendship in general. I was just interrupted and forgot where i was going with this, but all that to say, we need friends to walk with us throughout life, encourage us, remember who we used to be, push us to be better, tell us the truth and share life, time, laughs, our sins, fears, plans, hopes, dreams and failures.

So here are some quotes that have impacted me over the last few weeks. They've encouraged me to embrace people in my life more (i am probably way too comfortable being by myself) and to take down my walls so that i can be known and experience love in a more powerful way.

"People are better than no people"

"They let their walls down, walls that have kept them from knowing and being known. You can’t love what you don’t know and you can’t be loved if you’re not known. As they allowed themselves to be known by their peers....they experienced love in a powerful way."

Reflections on the 2nd week in September

I dont have anything in particular to talk about, i just feel like writing. I want to this writing workshop and they suggested just practicing writing.

This week

The guy who has a website about "what white people like" has a book and a calender. I share some of his observations. If i had to choose, my number one observation would be dogs. You can pick it up or browse it at urban outfitters.

Is anyone other than me ever feel exhausted but still restless, bored with 10 millions things to do?

I was thinking that this is one of the only times in my life that I feel like it wouldn't be so bad to have a kids. Kids have always seemed like a killjoy to me. Maybe because where i come from 9 out of 10 people get pregnant before they are 18, so kids to me have always been viewed as a bad, dont get pregnant and screw up your opportunities in life.

How do people feel about giving just cards on a birthday. My mother scolded me for not sending my best friend a card for her birthday, but i am not a card person (not for birthdays anyway). The way I see it, you get somebody a gift (which should include a card) or you dont. A birthday card is nice and i have definately given them, but i feel its not essential.

Sometimes i love going places by myself (sometimes i get tired of it), namely because i can come and go as i please. Sometimes you just want to do something and dont feel like rallying others who may or may not be as excited. This week, after i got off work at 9:30, I went down to a local restaurant, had two glasses of wine, met some cool people and listened to this great band. The Kase Project if you must know. I had to go when i got the facebook invite and saw it was an all male black band, that is almost non-existant where i live. Glad i went, i ended up doing the bump with my new friend at the bar.

Last week I walked like 20 miles. Walking or working out helps me clear my head (i always have toooo many thoughts swimming around in my nugget). I have to get the ball of energy out somehow. Sometimes i am so ampted that when i go to sleep at night I can feel my heart beating loudly. I am pretty sure i have a mild case of anxiety.

Sometimes i look in the mirror and dont recognize myself. Not in a bad way, but in a good way. Like when did i become grown? When did i become who i see right now. I still see glimpses of the little girl i once was though. Its funny how life turns out. How places you thought you would be at in your life by now, you are not and how in some areas you are where you never would have dreamed of being. My mom says enjoy the journey. I feel like a new person almost every year, new things being relealed, the old things being shed. Its nice, i like myself though and i like who i have become and am becoming.

'Cause I'm a Women

Femininity (also called womanliness) refers to qualities and behaviors judged by a particular culture to be ideally associated with or especially appropriate to women and girls. (Wikipedia)

I was painting my toe nails the other day, and i had this revelation about how I have been delighting in my womanhood and femininity. I was at a college friend's house and even she had to acknowledge how much i've changed since college. I wore dresses both days we were together. I was all sweats, caps and sweat or tea shirts previously. And my color schemes only consisted of blue, black and grey and maybe some red here and there. Now i try to be real colorful and wear dress shoes, skirts, dresses, purses and earrings more often than not. You could not get me to put on a skirt in college, i probably wore one 4 times in four years. All of which were at the yearly black balls we went to called "Visions of Excellence."

So i laugh at myself, an inside chuckle for growth and change and embracing myself, loving it and basking in my femininity. Something i couldn't even imagine doing a while ago. I feel like i am growing into myself and it feels good. No more need to mask it, i now bask it in. Cause I'm a women phenomenally, phenomenal women, that's me.


Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,They think I'm telling lies.
I say,It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,t
he palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,That's me.

--Maya Angelou

Reflections on Fall

Today I was walking to work and it just smelled like fall. There was a chilliness in the air not a summer chilly, but more reminiscent of a the dawn of a new season. I was reminded of the approaching season change last week as well, when i first saw children waiting for the school bus. It reminded me of fall, going back to school and being anxious yet excited. Mostly to show off my week of brand new clothes and sneakers. I remembered how i used to cry the first day of school probably up until 6th grade. Truth be told, i remember feeling like i was going to cry my first day of grad school. I felt anxious, yet exited but eerily alone. I think that's how i felt one fall morning, when my mother was walking me to school as I was about to start 5th grade. I felt anxious and the fear of being alone, so i busted out crying and clung to my mother (i was a mama's baby). Why was i crying? Because of the unknown that came with a new season/school year. Fearful, because even though my mother would walk me up to the school door, i would have to walk over that threshold alone, with no hands to clapse, no one to cling to. And that always made me cry.

Vagrants love me

I just find it so funny, recently I've gotten alot of attention. A "you look nice", "you are beautiful"or "you are wearing that dress" type of attention from men. However 98% of those men are vagrants or older man. I wonder why that is?

God is Enough?

I have been exploring this idea for a while in my own spirituality of God being enough, not the benefits and blessings of God, but actually God being enough to meet our deepest desires.

I am reading Desiring God and it posed a question. If only God was in heaven, not the benefits of heaven (wealth, health, no pain, suffering etc) only God, would you still want to go there?

Are we satisfied by the joy of getting to know the God of creation and being in relationship with him?

3 Years in the making...Wear a Bra

OK, its been three years since i blogged. Its about time to start again.

For my first re-entry, I will discuss something that has been bothering me lately, women who wear no bra. Last week i was walking home from work and saw this women with her husband and she obviously did not have a bra. Not cute at all, she was not perky at all. Unfortunately i have the picture etched into my memory. I saw her later on that weekend and she had on a sheer shirt and i kid you not, i could actually see every detail of her sagging breasts.

But unfortunately i notice the no bra or the might as well have on no bra. Especially since it is the summertime, women are apt to wear strapless dresses and shirts or skinny strapped shirts or dresses without a bra. Rule number one, unless you are like an A or B cup AND are extremely perky, please spear the world and wear a bra. And even then, jiggly breasts are not appropriate either, so make sure they are staying in place. Its not cute, there are strapless bras everywhere and you can even get a good priced one from TJ's or Marshalls. Either way, everyone needs a good bra. So women tell you friends when they need a better bra (someone told me once) and go get a good one of your own.

Be good to the girls and pick them up or strap them down.

Long Suffering

I am living at home now. And my sister lives on the lower level of our house. Almost every morning at about 6 am I wake up to my nieces voice asking for an icy. Of course she is told to wait. But all the rest of the morning and the rest of the day, she asks over and over again for an icy. Wait until later or a more appropriate time to her seems like never, and she continues to ask. And she usually has an icy sometime during that day, just not at the time she wants, but a more appropriate one for an icy. I only laugh, because that is like me, I see all the things I want in life, and they are up in the freezer waiting for me like that icy for my niece, but I cant seem to get them right now or just yet, so I am told to wait. But I feel haughted, probably like my niece is for that icy all day until she gets it.

So I am thinking about patience. About knowing what you want, seeing it, not being able to reach it and being told to wait. Wait on the Lord. And I feel like my niece that I don't know what that means. That to me just means almost never or some time I don't even have a concept of, which seems like eternity and is excruciating.

See I am waiting for my job to start(Praise God I have one), waiting until I find me a place that is right for me, waiting for a man, waiting to make more money, waiting to own more than what I have in 9 boxes and my car, waiting to be able to buy a new car. It all drives me crazy, because I want so much now, and it doesn't ever seem like I am getting any closer to anything soon. My whole life I felt like I have been becoming, something I don't know, and whatever it is has not come to pass yet. Someone said the other day that everyone wants to become, but no one likes the becoming part. So true, so I smile every morning as I turn over as I realize I have no more patience than my niece who is 3. I just much want more than a Icy.

Seasons

To everything there is a season,and a time to every purpose under the heaven - Ecclesiastes 3:1

So I have been thinking about seasons lately, as I am in a time of transition. Or maybe because I have felt in "transition" for years now. But anyway, I just gradated from grad school and moved back to my hometown area -- LI, New York. And I am just getting used to that fact that my whole life will be significantly different now. That season is over and a new season has begun. This whole reality and thought process is beset with excitement, anticipation, anxiety, frustration, distress and nervousness. See I just moved from a place that I have been trying to leave since I got there, only to really miss it once I have gone. But the night before I was leaving, I looked back at all of my time there and all I could say was "Thank You GOD," for knowing me way better than I know myself, for giving me what I wouldn't have known I wanted or needed, for growth change, friends, relationships, community etc. And I laughed, at myself and at God I guess, because the whole time,I was kicking and complaining, while he was trying to bless me, in ways that I did not even know. But at the end of the day God knew what he was doing, and it all turned out so very well, more than I could ask for. I was laughing because I just did not trust that he knew what he was doing. ha ha. I think that was a season of softening and stretching:

I felt that I have learned what is looks like to live in community and be a part of a community
What is means to care about and for people
I've learned a little bit more about how to share myself and be vulnerable
I think I have become more comfortable with myself, my past, my opinions and really a discovery of what I have to offer.
It was a season of learning how to give myself, serve others and allowing myself to be served (there is such a thing as being overly independent)
I have learned a little of what it means to trust God. I remember the day I was going to roll out, and the only reason I stayed is because my inner man said: Trust God-- he put you here.
I am totally fine with having just as many white friends as I do black friends. (that is a significant breakthrough). Now I can say "Some of my best friends are white" LOL
I think I have learned how to love, better and more deeply
I see God in a different way--from a different experience

So anyway, I am wondering what the next season will hold. As I step into so much unknown. The only thing that stops me from going back to the old, is that I know I am supposed to be here at this moment, at this job and I have to trust God about that. Even as I sleep on my mothers couch and all of my stuff is in boxes, and I have virtually no friends here. I just have to remember that I can Trust God in a through all of that. He seems to know what he is doing, even though I cant see it sometimes. Because almost three years ago, he sent me (poor, liberal, black girl) on some crazy mission to central Virginia, to a affluent, white, conservative church for a church fellowship with no friends, way out of my comfort zone and not knowing what she wanted to do with her life. And three years later: I've left with at least 30 good friends, a masters degree, a career path, a changed heart and a renewed mind, sense of self and Christ. So my prayer for myself is that I would just for once be happy where I am, in this season, and I would enjoy being where I am at this moment. I think I wanted to be somewhere else for years and I spent too much time not enjoying all the blessings that I had in front of me.

God is doing a new thing, i want to perceive it and embrace it.

Back

Hey,

I think i am going to start blogging again. Why after like 6 months. My life has calmed down a bit and now i can be still and tell yall what is on my mind again.

Comming Soon................

Writing in a Task

Its been so long since i have blogged. Its almost daunting now because so much goes on and that i want to say, but it always takes me so long to write it and something about how i feel comes out when i write, and i hate being emotional, or giving a piece of myself to people that i cant take back. So i think i have been avoiding writing or even journaling for that matter. It's like putting me all down on paper for the world to see. What a task, and i have to think through whatever i think or feel enough to write it down and i have to be comfortable enough with myself for people to read it. I dont feel like writing these days, not for the world to see. My counselor and I were talking about how i like to make people work to get to know me, you damn skippy, but how i really just want to be known, loved and accepted. So why do i make it so hard. I like to be heard, but only if people are interested. I am way better at listening then I am at offering myself. People talk alot, which i like and i love listening to and getting to know people alot, its fun. But wish i had at least one relationship that was one sided, meaning i was the one being listened to and taken care of. I've learned that most people really like talking about themselves, but if never asked they wont share. Over break i was telling my mom how we didnt have conversations, she had monologues and i listened. So i am getting better at talking and she is getting better at listening. I think i never talked alot before because i didnt think i had anything meaningful to say or there is nothing interesting going in in my life that i wanted to talk about. I think now i just want to be known and heard.

I think i am going to end this blog now. But to let you know what i am thinking about:

About i think i have an anxiety problem, my mind is always racing and i often cant sit still, rest or sleep.

In light of my recent deliverance, i am thinking about all the other ways i am bond by present things or things of the past and how i want to be free.

How i need to not be so critical and judgemental of people, learn to love them well and just accept them as they are, good, bad and the ugly. That is what God does, accepts us as we are and loves us in spit of it. I learning how people just want to change other people into what we want them to be so they can do what we want them to do. Thats sick, no one needs that. I think being critical and judgemental are signs of our own insecurity.

I feel like God is brining me to a level of deeper dependency on him. I have had so many random occurrences that have communicated to me that I have come to a point where my gifts and talents and abilities have taken me far enough and God wants to carry me the rest of the way.

I know this blog sounds kind of down and depressing maybe, but i am the happiest i have been in a while. I am excited about this semester at school, about what he will do in my life this semester and about what is next. I am most excited about getting to know and revealing my true self, which has been hidden for way to long.

Untitled

Wow folks, its been exactly a month since i've blogged the last time. Go figure. And even now I am at a lost for words or even a blog topic or maybe there is just too much to say.

Oh did want to let folks know how awesome i think the new Kirk Franklin's album is, if you are going through something, this will minister to your spirit.. The man is truly anointed. Maybe I love it because I am so drawn to people who have struggled and had God redeem their life. I guess those whom have much debt to be forgiven are even more thankful for it. I love how pumped of Kirk is about God, so much so that it pumps me up. I think we undestimate just how broken we all are and how much we really need to be delivered and made whole. Again i am reminded of the women in the crowd that touched the hem of Jesus's garment and was healed. Anyway my favorite songs are: Hero, Imagine Me and Brokenhearted. This album reminds me of just who Jesus is, how much we need him, and realizing that at the feet of Jesus there is healing, deliverance, salvation, acceptance, peace, joy, forgiveness, mercy and unconditional love. This album makes me want to press through the crowds of life just to touch the hem of His garmet, fully believing that in that nearness is the fullness of joy and freedom.

I'm at home in NY and somebody around my house has wireless so I am hooked up to the internet isn't that great. I'm bootleg. Aren't most New Yorkers. lol. I had a beef patti on some cocoa bread, for all who know about that. It was delicious. Stuff like that (and like shopping)makes me miss New York so much.

Christmas was great, i love my family so much, i only wish that i could love them even more. I got a good amount of gifts and enjoyed getting each person in my immediate family something they would like. I went to church Christmas morning, (so awesome), my soul said yes, i think i cried the whole 2.5 hour, i couldn't even have stopped if I wanted two.

I went to this awesome Kwanzaa Celebration yesterday. I love the celebration of culture and community. There were youth dancers, drummers, a jazz band, poetry, story telling and food.I was so proud and impressed with the performances and ceremony. Today is the 4th day, Ujamaa - Cooperative Economics. To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together. We need to help one another build wealth and invest in our communities. These principles are so important to the African American community to reaffirm and restore our rootedness in African culture. We need to know as people of the African Disapora who our ancestors were before their enslavement.

Let me tell you a little about my family, they are all loud and crazy (if you know me, you know this is where i get my sense of humor from)

My mother, is one of those people that others automatically are drawn to, she is a Jesus Freak, and always has a "Word," she is very loving(gives the best hugs) and has a giving heart. She likes to make people happy, is grateful and enjoys the little things. Me and my mother are a lot alike, but we often don't get along probably because of that. My older sisters just laughs at the both of us. Me and my mom talk several times a week. We recently had a conversation about how those are too often her monologuing and me listening. lol. It was funny.

My father, is rather smart, and is always talking about something random. He has always been present in some way in my life but we don't have much of a relationship. I've often been whatever about that, but I was thinking that last time I saw him (thanksgiving) when he was talking to me, that I wish he really knew me and I wish I knew him too. I didn't see him this Christmas, we kept missing each other, but he did call. Maybe I will call him and wish him a happy new year.

I think I've been angry at both of my parents most of my life, for not being what I wanted I guess, not being people I could be proud of, making poor choices that affected my life and their own drug and alcohol issues. I think I have been angry at, disappointed in and ashamed of where I came from for most of my life. But I'm tired of being angry and ashamed, cause despite all of the afore mentioned situations, I don't think I could have turned out any better if my life had been different. That's evidence of how awesome God is and how he can bring forth whatever he wants from any situation. I am thankful for the unconditional love and acceptance that is in Christ Jesus, so that even when man disappoints me or rejects me, he will never leave me nor forsake me and I am fully validated by his love.

Oh I was gonna tell yall about the rest of my fam, but i'm tired. Maybe another day.

Merry Belated Christmas and have a Happy New Year.

Me Again

I just thought this was a particularly cute picture of me. I had some cute earrigns on too, but by the end of the night they fell out of my ear and broke. LOL

This is me rocking the MIC at my 80's Party.

If I had time

If I had time, I would talk about:

• My family and the fun and intricacies of my Thanksgiving break
• Hey I made my first apple pie or thanksgiving, it was good. (Go me, its my birthday)
• How I don't know what I want to do with my life (Surprise I don't think anybody does, but its still disheartening)
• About me being sick of singleness (disheartening)
• About me being the only black person 9 of the 10 areas of my life. (depressing)
• About the couple of books I just finished reading - Enjoying God's Presence, Word, and the great divorce. (made me realize how much I don't trust or believe God, again disheartening)
• About this Neo-Soul gospel CD I just got for my birthday (uplifting and smooth) Lisa McClendon
• Did anyone see "Get Rich or Die Trying", (I liked it, encouraging)
• I might even write a poem for yall to read. Hey I thought about becoming a rap star LOL. I love performing, but I cant sing, and the world is missing quality female rap stars. (dreaming)
• I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out. (that ish will be painful, but i only have one cavity)
• How my heart is prone to negativity (pessimism is a -itch) my attitude is poor
• How I have this job i want to apply for (exciting)
• How interesting it is to be a part of various worlds that are very different and often conflicting or at least of different sides of the spectrum (Who am I, the girl dem suga) I just have to have a random song for everything i think - that was for my reggae fans
• And to leave you on a good note i only have 3 more weeks of school. (relieving)

"Quarter-life Crisis"

I got this in an email earlier today and it sounds like my life, a big question mark

Being Twenty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when youstop going along with the crowd and start realizingthat there are many things about yourself that youdidn't know and may not like. You start feelinginsecure and wonder where you will be in a year ortwo, but then get scared because you barely know whereyou are now. You start realizing that people areselfish and that, maybe, those friends that youthought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people youhave lost touch with are some of the most importantones. What you don't recognize is that they arerealizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty,mean or insincere but that they are as confused as>you. You look at your job... and it is not even closeto what you thought you would be doing, or maybe youare looking for a job and realizing that you are goingto have to start at the bottom and that scares you.Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see whatothers are doing and find yourself judging more thanusual because suddenly you realize that you havecertain boundaries in your life and are constantlyadding things to your list of what is acceptable andwhat isnt. One minute, you are insecure and then thenext, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatestforce of your life. You feel alone and scared andconfused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you tryand cling on to the past with dear life, but soonrealize that the past is drifting further and furtheraway, and there is nothing to do but stay where youare or move forward. You get your heart broken andwonder how someone you loved could do such damage toyou. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meetanyone decent enough that you want to get to knowbetter. Or maybe you love someone but love someoneelse too and cannot figure out why you are doing thisbecause you know that you aren't a bad person.One-night-stands and random hook ups start to lookcheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot startsto look pathetic. You go through the same emotions andquestions over and over, and talk with your friendsabout the same topics because you cannot seem to makea decision. You worry about loans, money, the futureand making a life for yourself... and while winningthe race would be great, right now you'd just like tobe a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in ourbest of times and our worst of times, trying as hardas we can to figure this whole thing out. These are the hardest years and the ones that are the most draining, but with the right aim and attitude towards it all.....success will be your only option. Make it your only option. Take all that haunts you to the extreme. Fullfill your dreams dont just sit and talk about them, act upon them. These times are confusing but it is at this age where life really begins, dont bullshit . And, do not give up!!!!!!

Walmart Watch

I went to this booksigning the other night of the women who wrote the book "Nickle and Dimed." The author is a journalist who see's if she can support herself as a low wage worker. So anyway she worked at Walmart and revealed some shady practices of the organization.

If you havent seen it go see the Walmart movie, the "high cost of low prices," is what i think it is called, you may have seen some commercials. I didnt get to see the movie yet, because my friend got the days mixed up. Go to Walmart Watch to get more details about walmart's practices. These people are calling Walmart out and trying to make them better corporate citizens and provide more benefits to their workers, most of which make $7 /hr.

Untitled

Today on my way to church I saw the old women who bought the man on the corner footpowder. She was on her way to church. I knew she was a Christian.

I had a Mary Kay makeover yesterday. Now I have satin hands and satin lips. mmmmmmm
I keep getting told that i have nice features, Gap here i come. A couple of spots on my face were itching the rest of the night. Nothing serious, besides that it was a cool makeover.

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory(weird, i liked the first one better, he seemed like a lunatic in this one), White Chicks (i only saw about 3/4th of it, but it was pretty funny) and Zoolander(it was my friends birthday and we watched it on the big screen outside, it was stupid, yet entertaining) this weekend. I want to watch School Dayz, i havent seen that in so long, i love 80's movies. Oh and i am supposed to go see the Walmart documentary tonite. That should be good. I will let yall know how it is. I hate how horrible the world is, but we must come face to face with it.

One week, with no sweets. Its so liberating, i tell you. I'm learning how to say no thank you again. And I worked out 3x. Lets see if i can make it to two.

I'm tired from my run today and my back hurts. If anybody wants to get me a nice Christmas or late birthday gift, I need a massage.

The Update

Wow, I havent blogged in almost a month. Nothing particularly new and interesting is going on in my life.

I turned 25 last weekend. That was fun. I had an 80's party at my house. It was cool, we had all 80's music and we had music posters, TV show posters, theme songs, 45 records and album posters all over the walls in my house. Check this, i had the orginal Thriller 45 and a record player. We had 80's snacks, lip synching, trivia and my housemates made drinks called the electric slide, smurt punch, and the pink panther. So all and all a bunch of people came out, about 85% of people were dressed in 80's clothes. I was happy 2 of my college friend came down too. We danced and sang to 80's music. It was pretty fun. I danced hard and was sore the next day. Oh i had two costumes. One-- i looked like someone off the movie breakin or fame. I had on leggings, leg wormers, a sweat shirt with the neck cut out, a head ban, jelly bracelets, a glove with the fingers out, and some high top sneakers. My second get up was a rapper. I had a red warm up suit, an old mess chap i wore backwards, and a gold chain. It was funny. My favorite song of the night, which was in my head all this week was : Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston.

The day before that i went to see the play For Colored Girls who have considered suicide, when the rainbow is enuf. I've saw this before in college, but it was nice to see it again. A friend of mine played the lady in orange back then i think. So that was cool.

Last weekend i went to this Delta ball, (one of my friends here is a Delta) and that was off the chain. Me and a bunch of my friends got all dressed up and partied and danced all evening. It was really fun. Yall know I can cut a rug. I was sore after that too. But i looked nice. Its nice to get dressed up once in a while. It reminded me of he Visions of Excellence Ball they had a Georgetown. All the black undergrads would get all dressed up, get dates and get all sweaty from dancing in their nice clothes. And then we would get awards from The Minority Student Affairs Office. My last year i got an award for Community Service. Look at me getting nastagic, i miss college and being surrounded by my peoples.

Lets see what else.....
I like my job alot these days. I got a small raise which is always cool.
My aunts house burned down in NY, so that was traggic. And that has spurred other family drama. Got to love family drama.
School is ok, i feel like i am not really doing much or into it. I have this one class, which i really dont know what to do for it. We have a pin up in which we show what we have been working on, and i have nothing. I am very uninspired, in all areas of my life these day. Glad this semester is coming to a close.
I work with these kids, teen girls and i help lead a bible study. Their behavior is off the chain, so was heated last week and had to roll out. Its all too often kaotic and that has become the norm. So hopefully, we can start to provide then with more structure and make better use of theirs and our time.

My eating habits are bad, so me and 2 of my housemates are going on a no sweets kick until thanksgiving. I have been doing good. I am on my 4th day. Now i have to just start working out again, but I am always tired or just lazy. Probably the latter. lol

Thats me

Forthcoming.....

Ok I am thinking racially again and I have three notions that I want to explore further and I want to write them down while I am thinking about it.

One is the "N" word and its reappropriation (Nigga) and explore its use or mis-use by popular Hip/Hop culture, black, white and other populations. I think its an interesting social phenomena

Second I want to talk about the the incident on the William Bennett talk show in which he said "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down. "That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down," He reportedly said this to in order to reject a wild hypothesis (because he is actually pro-life). But i would like to explore it. You can read about it in the mean time: William Bennett's Comment

Then I'd like to talk about how physiologically and socially black people may process that they as a people group (probably internationally) fill most of the world negative statistics and are perpetually at the bottom rung of society. Inherently bad, bad culture, or have we been screwed over and as a result screw ourselves without prompting?

Of course whoever actually read my blog can give thoughts in the meantime, ok i'm off, i have a paper to do