Long Suffering

I am living at home now. And my sister lives on the lower level of our house. Almost every morning at about 6 am I wake up to my nieces voice asking for an icy. Of course she is told to wait. But all the rest of the morning and the rest of the day, she asks over and over again for an icy. Wait until later or a more appropriate time to her seems like never, and she continues to ask. And she usually has an icy sometime during that day, just not at the time she wants, but a more appropriate one for an icy. I only laugh, because that is like me, I see all the things I want in life, and they are up in the freezer waiting for me like that icy for my niece, but I cant seem to get them right now or just yet, so I am told to wait. But I feel haughted, probably like my niece is for that icy all day until she gets it.

So I am thinking about patience. About knowing what you want, seeing it, not being able to reach it and being told to wait. Wait on the Lord. And I feel like my niece that I don't know what that means. That to me just means almost never or some time I don't even have a concept of, which seems like eternity and is excruciating.

See I am waiting for my job to start(Praise God I have one), waiting until I find me a place that is right for me, waiting for a man, waiting to make more money, waiting to own more than what I have in 9 boxes and my car, waiting to be able to buy a new car. It all drives me crazy, because I want so much now, and it doesn't ever seem like I am getting any closer to anything soon. My whole life I felt like I have been becoming, something I don't know, and whatever it is has not come to pass yet. Someone said the other day that everyone wants to become, but no one likes the becoming part. So true, so I smile every morning as I turn over as I realize I have no more patience than my niece who is 3. I just much want more than a Icy.

Seasons

To everything there is a season,and a time to every purpose under the heaven - Ecclesiastes 3:1

So I have been thinking about seasons lately, as I am in a time of transition. Or maybe because I have felt in "transition" for years now. But anyway, I just gradated from grad school and moved back to my hometown area -- LI, New York. And I am just getting used to that fact that my whole life will be significantly different now. That season is over and a new season has begun. This whole reality and thought process is beset with excitement, anticipation, anxiety, frustration, distress and nervousness. See I just moved from a place that I have been trying to leave since I got there, only to really miss it once I have gone. But the night before I was leaving, I looked back at all of my time there and all I could say was "Thank You GOD," for knowing me way better than I know myself, for giving me what I wouldn't have known I wanted or needed, for growth change, friends, relationships, community etc. And I laughed, at myself and at God I guess, because the whole time,I was kicking and complaining, while he was trying to bless me, in ways that I did not even know. But at the end of the day God knew what he was doing, and it all turned out so very well, more than I could ask for. I was laughing because I just did not trust that he knew what he was doing. ha ha. I think that was a season of softening and stretching:

I felt that I have learned what is looks like to live in community and be a part of a community
What is means to care about and for people
I've learned a little bit more about how to share myself and be vulnerable
I think I have become more comfortable with myself, my past, my opinions and really a discovery of what I have to offer.
It was a season of learning how to give myself, serve others and allowing myself to be served (there is such a thing as being overly independent)
I have learned a little of what it means to trust God. I remember the day I was going to roll out, and the only reason I stayed is because my inner man said: Trust God-- he put you here.
I am totally fine with having just as many white friends as I do black friends. (that is a significant breakthrough). Now I can say "Some of my best friends are white" LOL
I think I have learned how to love, better and more deeply
I see God in a different way--from a different experience

So anyway, I am wondering what the next season will hold. As I step into so much unknown. The only thing that stops me from going back to the old, is that I know I am supposed to be here at this moment, at this job and I have to trust God about that. Even as I sleep on my mothers couch and all of my stuff is in boxes, and I have virtually no friends here. I just have to remember that I can Trust God in a through all of that. He seems to know what he is doing, even though I cant see it sometimes. Because almost three years ago, he sent me (poor, liberal, black girl) on some crazy mission to central Virginia, to a affluent, white, conservative church for a church fellowship with no friends, way out of my comfort zone and not knowing what she wanted to do with her life. And three years later: I've left with at least 30 good friends, a masters degree, a career path, a changed heart and a renewed mind, sense of self and Christ. So my prayer for myself is that I would just for once be happy where I am, in this season, and I would enjoy being where I am at this moment. I think I wanted to be somewhere else for years and I spent too much time not enjoying all the blessings that I had in front of me.

God is doing a new thing, i want to perceive it and embrace it.

Back

Hey,

I think i am going to start blogging again. Why after like 6 months. My life has calmed down a bit and now i can be still and tell yall what is on my mind again.

Comming Soon................

Writing in a Task

Its been so long since i have blogged. Its almost daunting now because so much goes on and that i want to say, but it always takes me so long to write it and something about how i feel comes out when i write, and i hate being emotional, or giving a piece of myself to people that i cant take back. So i think i have been avoiding writing or even journaling for that matter. It's like putting me all down on paper for the world to see. What a task, and i have to think through whatever i think or feel enough to write it down and i have to be comfortable enough with myself for people to read it. I dont feel like writing these days, not for the world to see. My counselor and I were talking about how i like to make people work to get to know me, you damn skippy, but how i really just want to be known, loved and accepted. So why do i make it so hard. I like to be heard, but only if people are interested. I am way better at listening then I am at offering myself. People talk alot, which i like and i love listening to and getting to know people alot, its fun. But wish i had at least one relationship that was one sided, meaning i was the one being listened to and taken care of. I've learned that most people really like talking about themselves, but if never asked they wont share. Over break i was telling my mom how we didnt have conversations, she had monologues and i listened. So i am getting better at talking and she is getting better at listening. I think i never talked alot before because i didnt think i had anything meaningful to say or there is nothing interesting going in in my life that i wanted to talk about. I think now i just want to be known and heard.

I think i am going to end this blog now. But to let you know what i am thinking about:

About i think i have an anxiety problem, my mind is always racing and i often cant sit still, rest or sleep.

In light of my recent deliverance, i am thinking about all the other ways i am bond by present things or things of the past and how i want to be free.

How i need to not be so critical and judgemental of people, learn to love them well and just accept them as they are, good, bad and the ugly. That is what God does, accepts us as we are and loves us in spit of it. I learning how people just want to change other people into what we want them to be so they can do what we want them to do. Thats sick, no one needs that. I think being critical and judgemental are signs of our own insecurity.

I feel like God is brining me to a level of deeper dependency on him. I have had so many random occurrences that have communicated to me that I have come to a point where my gifts and talents and abilities have taken me far enough and God wants to carry me the rest of the way.

I know this blog sounds kind of down and depressing maybe, but i am the happiest i have been in a while. I am excited about this semester at school, about what he will do in my life this semester and about what is next. I am most excited about getting to know and revealing my true self, which has been hidden for way to long.

Untitled

Wow folks, its been exactly a month since i've blogged the last time. Go figure. And even now I am at a lost for words or even a blog topic or maybe there is just too much to say.

Oh did want to let folks know how awesome i think the new Kirk Franklin's album is, if you are going through something, this will minister to your spirit.. The man is truly anointed. Maybe I love it because I am so drawn to people who have struggled and had God redeem their life. I guess those whom have much debt to be forgiven are even more thankful for it. I love how pumped of Kirk is about God, so much so that it pumps me up. I think we undestimate just how broken we all are and how much we really need to be delivered and made whole. Again i am reminded of the women in the crowd that touched the hem of Jesus's garment and was healed. Anyway my favorite songs are: Hero, Imagine Me and Brokenhearted. This album reminds me of just who Jesus is, how much we need him, and realizing that at the feet of Jesus there is healing, deliverance, salvation, acceptance, peace, joy, forgiveness, mercy and unconditional love. This album makes me want to press through the crowds of life just to touch the hem of His garmet, fully believing that in that nearness is the fullness of joy and freedom.

I'm at home in NY and somebody around my house has wireless so I am hooked up to the internet isn't that great. I'm bootleg. Aren't most New Yorkers. lol. I had a beef patti on some cocoa bread, for all who know about that. It was delicious. Stuff like that (and like shopping)makes me miss New York so much.

Christmas was great, i love my family so much, i only wish that i could love them even more. I got a good amount of gifts and enjoyed getting each person in my immediate family something they would like. I went to church Christmas morning, (so awesome), my soul said yes, i think i cried the whole 2.5 hour, i couldn't even have stopped if I wanted two.

I went to this awesome Kwanzaa Celebration yesterday. I love the celebration of culture and community. There were youth dancers, drummers, a jazz band, poetry, story telling and food.I was so proud and impressed with the performances and ceremony. Today is the 4th day, Ujamaa - Cooperative Economics. To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together. We need to help one another build wealth and invest in our communities. These principles are so important to the African American community to reaffirm and restore our rootedness in African culture. We need to know as people of the African Disapora who our ancestors were before their enslavement.

Let me tell you a little about my family, they are all loud and crazy (if you know me, you know this is where i get my sense of humor from)

My mother, is one of those people that others automatically are drawn to, she is a Jesus Freak, and always has a "Word," she is very loving(gives the best hugs) and has a giving heart. She likes to make people happy, is grateful and enjoys the little things. Me and my mother are a lot alike, but we often don't get along probably because of that. My older sisters just laughs at the both of us. Me and my mom talk several times a week. We recently had a conversation about how those are too often her monologuing and me listening. lol. It was funny.

My father, is rather smart, and is always talking about something random. He has always been present in some way in my life but we don't have much of a relationship. I've often been whatever about that, but I was thinking that last time I saw him (thanksgiving) when he was talking to me, that I wish he really knew me and I wish I knew him too. I didn't see him this Christmas, we kept missing each other, but he did call. Maybe I will call him and wish him a happy new year.

I think I've been angry at both of my parents most of my life, for not being what I wanted I guess, not being people I could be proud of, making poor choices that affected my life and their own drug and alcohol issues. I think I have been angry at, disappointed in and ashamed of where I came from for most of my life. But I'm tired of being angry and ashamed, cause despite all of the afore mentioned situations, I don't think I could have turned out any better if my life had been different. That's evidence of how awesome God is and how he can bring forth whatever he wants from any situation. I am thankful for the unconditional love and acceptance that is in Christ Jesus, so that even when man disappoints me or rejects me, he will never leave me nor forsake me and I am fully validated by his love.

Oh I was gonna tell yall about the rest of my fam, but i'm tired. Maybe another day.

Merry Belated Christmas and have a Happy New Year.

Me Again

I just thought this was a particularly cute picture of me. I had some cute earrigns on too, but by the end of the night they fell out of my ear and broke. LOL

This is me rocking the MIC at my 80's Party.

If I had time

If I had time, I would talk about:

• My family and the fun and intricacies of my Thanksgiving break
• Hey I made my first apple pie or thanksgiving, it was good. (Go me, its my birthday)
• How I don't know what I want to do with my life (Surprise I don't think anybody does, but its still disheartening)
• About me being sick of singleness (disheartening)
• About me being the only black person 9 of the 10 areas of my life. (depressing)
• About the couple of books I just finished reading - Enjoying God's Presence, Word, and the great divorce. (made me realize how much I don't trust or believe God, again disheartening)
• About this Neo-Soul gospel CD I just got for my birthday (uplifting and smooth) Lisa McClendon
• Did anyone see "Get Rich or Die Trying", (I liked it, encouraging)
• I might even write a poem for yall to read. Hey I thought about becoming a rap star LOL. I love performing, but I cant sing, and the world is missing quality female rap stars. (dreaming)
• I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out. (that ish will be painful, but i only have one cavity)
• How my heart is prone to negativity (pessimism is a -itch) my attitude is poor
• How I have this job i want to apply for (exciting)
• How interesting it is to be a part of various worlds that are very different and often conflicting or at least of different sides of the spectrum (Who am I, the girl dem suga) I just have to have a random song for everything i think - that was for my reggae fans
• And to leave you on a good note i only have 3 more weeks of school. (relieving)

"Quarter-life Crisis"

I got this in an email earlier today and it sounds like my life, a big question mark

Being Twenty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when youstop going along with the crowd and start realizingthat there are many things about yourself that youdidn't know and may not like. You start feelinginsecure and wonder where you will be in a year ortwo, but then get scared because you barely know whereyou are now. You start realizing that people areselfish and that, maybe, those friends that youthought you were so close to aren't exactly thegreatest people you have ever met, and the people youhave lost touch with are some of the most importantones. What you don't recognize is that they arerealizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty,mean or insincere but that they are as confused as>you. You look at your job... and it is not even closeto what you thought you would be doing, or maybe youare looking for a job and realizing that you are goingto have to start at the bottom and that scares you.Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see whatothers are doing and find yourself judging more thanusual because suddenly you realize that you havecertain boundaries in your life and are constantlyadding things to your list of what is acceptable andwhat isnt. One minute, you are insecure and then thenext, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatestforce of your life. You feel alone and scared andconfused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you tryand cling on to the past with dear life, but soonrealize that the past is drifting further and furtheraway, and there is nothing to do but stay where youare or move forward. You get your heart broken andwonder how someone you loved could do such damage toyou. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meetanyone decent enough that you want to get to knowbetter. Or maybe you love someone but love someoneelse too and cannot figure out why you are doing thisbecause you know that you aren't a bad person.One-night-stands and random hook ups start to lookcheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot startsto look pathetic. You go through the same emotions andquestions over and over, and talk with your friendsabout the same topics because you cannot seem to makea decision. You worry about loans, money, the futureand making a life for yourself... and while winningthe race would be great, right now you'd just like tobe a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in ourbest of times and our worst of times, trying as hardas we can to figure this whole thing out. These are the hardest years and the ones that are the most draining, but with the right aim and attitude towards it all.....success will be your only option. Make it your only option. Take all that haunts you to the extreme. Fullfill your dreams dont just sit and talk about them, act upon them. These times are confusing but it is at this age where life really begins, dont bullshit . And, do not give up!!!!!!

Walmart Watch

I went to this booksigning the other night of the women who wrote the book "Nickle and Dimed." The author is a journalist who see's if she can support herself as a low wage worker. So anyway she worked at Walmart and revealed some shady practices of the organization.

If you havent seen it go see the Walmart movie, the "high cost of low prices," is what i think it is called, you may have seen some commercials. I didnt get to see the movie yet, because my friend got the days mixed up. Go to Walmart Watch to get more details about walmart's practices. These people are calling Walmart out and trying to make them better corporate citizens and provide more benefits to their workers, most of which make $7 /hr.

Untitled

Today on my way to church I saw the old women who bought the man on the corner footpowder. She was on her way to church. I knew she was a Christian.

I had a Mary Kay makeover yesterday. Now I have satin hands and satin lips. mmmmmmm
I keep getting told that i have nice features, Gap here i come. A couple of spots on my face were itching the rest of the night. Nothing serious, besides that it was a cool makeover.

I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory(weird, i liked the first one better, he seemed like a lunatic in this one), White Chicks (i only saw about 3/4th of it, but it was pretty funny) and Zoolander(it was my friends birthday and we watched it on the big screen outside, it was stupid, yet entertaining) this weekend. I want to watch School Dayz, i havent seen that in so long, i love 80's movies. Oh and i am supposed to go see the Walmart documentary tonite. That should be good. I will let yall know how it is. I hate how horrible the world is, but we must come face to face with it.

One week, with no sweets. Its so liberating, i tell you. I'm learning how to say no thank you again. And I worked out 3x. Lets see if i can make it to two.

I'm tired from my run today and my back hurts. If anybody wants to get me a nice Christmas or late birthday gift, I need a massage.

The Update

Wow, I havent blogged in almost a month. Nothing particularly new and interesting is going on in my life.

I turned 25 last weekend. That was fun. I had an 80's party at my house. It was cool, we had all 80's music and we had music posters, TV show posters, theme songs, 45 records and album posters all over the walls in my house. Check this, i had the orginal Thriller 45 and a record player. We had 80's snacks, lip synching, trivia and my housemates made drinks called the electric slide, smurt punch, and the pink panther. So all and all a bunch of people came out, about 85% of people were dressed in 80's clothes. I was happy 2 of my college friend came down too. We danced and sang to 80's music. It was pretty fun. I danced hard and was sore the next day. Oh i had two costumes. One-- i looked like someone off the movie breakin or fame. I had on leggings, leg wormers, a sweat shirt with the neck cut out, a head ban, jelly bracelets, a glove with the fingers out, and some high top sneakers. My second get up was a rapper. I had a red warm up suit, an old mess chap i wore backwards, and a gold chain. It was funny. My favorite song of the night, which was in my head all this week was : Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston.

The day before that i went to see the play For Colored Girls who have considered suicide, when the rainbow is enuf. I've saw this before in college, but it was nice to see it again. A friend of mine played the lady in orange back then i think. So that was cool.

Last weekend i went to this Delta ball, (one of my friends here is a Delta) and that was off the chain. Me and a bunch of my friends got all dressed up and partied and danced all evening. It was really fun. Yall know I can cut a rug. I was sore after that too. But i looked nice. Its nice to get dressed up once in a while. It reminded me of he Visions of Excellence Ball they had a Georgetown. All the black undergrads would get all dressed up, get dates and get all sweaty from dancing in their nice clothes. And then we would get awards from The Minority Student Affairs Office. My last year i got an award for Community Service. Look at me getting nastagic, i miss college and being surrounded by my peoples.

Lets see what else.....
I like my job alot these days. I got a small raise which is always cool.
My aunts house burned down in NY, so that was traggic. And that has spurred other family drama. Got to love family drama.
School is ok, i feel like i am not really doing much or into it. I have this one class, which i really dont know what to do for it. We have a pin up in which we show what we have been working on, and i have nothing. I am very uninspired, in all areas of my life these day. Glad this semester is coming to a close.
I work with these kids, teen girls and i help lead a bible study. Their behavior is off the chain, so was heated last week and had to roll out. Its all too often kaotic and that has become the norm. So hopefully, we can start to provide then with more structure and make better use of theirs and our time.

My eating habits are bad, so me and 2 of my housemates are going on a no sweets kick until thanksgiving. I have been doing good. I am on my 4th day. Now i have to just start working out again, but I am always tired or just lazy. Probably the latter. lol

Thats me

Forthcoming.....

Ok I am thinking racially again and I have three notions that I want to explore further and I want to write them down while I am thinking about it.

One is the "N" word and its reappropriation (Nigga) and explore its use or mis-use by popular Hip/Hop culture, black, white and other populations. I think its an interesting social phenomena

Second I want to talk about the the incident on the William Bennett talk show in which he said "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could -- if that were your sole purpose -- you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down. "That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down," He reportedly said this to in order to reject a wild hypothesis (because he is actually pro-life). But i would like to explore it. You can read about it in the mean time: William Bennett's Comment

Then I'd like to talk about how physiologically and socially black people may process that they as a people group (probably internationally) fill most of the world negative statistics and are perpetually at the bottom rung of society. Inherently bad, bad culture, or have we been screwed over and as a result screw ourselves without prompting?

Of course whoever actually read my blog can give thoughts in the meantime, ok i'm off, i have a paper to do

Word of the Day

So i am part of this listserve called "Word of the Day" that is basically a bunch of my my college friends and their friends that share their personal revelations or meditations on scripture daily. My inbox is full of emails daily, but i liked this one in particular today, so i wanted to share.


Isaiah 7 :7 Yet this is what the Sovereign Lord says: It will not take place, it will not happen,...If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.

Revelation I thought after this morning God would give me some sort of mind blowing deep revelation. That after what he dropped into my soul, the revelation from the word would be so powerful, I wouldn't even be able to grasp it's complexity and I would have to meditate for a couple of days on it. I thank God that he is who he is and that he doesn't need to necessarily use metaphors or dreams to have me get it. I thank him for being direct with me. Faith, the very essence of faith, its fiber is all I need to get what is promised. All that God has promised me all that he has spoke into my life will take place. He will manifest in my life just as he has promised because I have the faith that he will. Standing without faith is impossible. As I walk into my queendom as my place in the Kingdom is being established, if I don't have faith how can inherit what my Father has for me? How can God bless me and have me be a blessing to others if I have not faith. How will anything that he has said come to pass if I have not faith? Not having faith is to me, like saying to God I don't believe you. So today God as I sit at your feet and wait at the door to my promise, I say to you I believe you, I trust you. I pray that you give me faith like a peach pit. I pray that you manifest in my life just as you intended to without any interruption of my flesh. Give me the strength to endure, no matter how long it takes I know you will do it. Teach me obedience in a season of waiting because to wait means you expect something to happen. Give me faith like you servant Job. I hear you God and I get it plain and clear. Peace and Blessings-J

No Hair

Oh i forgot to tell folks that i cut even more of my hair off. I barely have any hair but i think it looks cute.

In a couple of weeks i am throwing myself a "Born in the 80's" flashback 25th birthday party and i am trying to collect list of 80's songs, memorabilia, tv shows, cartoons, music groups etc. I want to do 80's snacks, trivia, karaoke, and 80's dress. So if yall have any suggestions, ideas, random 80's memories let me know.

Enjoying the Journey

This weekend one of my friends was moving out of town, so I had her going away party at my house. I used to always have potlucks at my house for this particular groups of friends, but stopped because no one ever showed up on time. CP Time. There was a guaranteed two hour delay before the party got started and we got to eat. And there are very few things i am pressed about, but i am impatient and don't like to wait too long after a set time. But anyway, it started at 8 and noone even arrived until 8:30. lol. black people. But anyway we had good fun, good food and good fellowship. We cracked ourselves up, it was the equivilant of what my college friends would call a Shuckfest i.e. us eating, talking, laughing, playing games and most of all being loud and crazy. I miss that kind of fun. I will have to reinstate my potlucks and just tell people 6, so we can be eating by 8. Anyway i'm going to miss my friend, one of very few people here i can just be myself and hang out with. But she has gone off to continue on her journey, and doesnt really know what God has for her next, but is moving to the next phase in faith.

Oh, i was in church the other day (i've decided to just stick with the new church which i love, i'm always excited on sundays, and i havent felt like that in a long while) and the pastor said something in passing that struck me, that Jesus was a carpenter for 30 years. I think this struck me because, here he is the king of the universe, with all power in his hand, and he was making furniture for 30 years and did not do one miracle, or anything that had to do with his appointed purpose. This says something of him, not comming into his ministry until the appointed time and him not moving until the father said move. This made me think about how he was just ordinary for way more time then he was extrodinary or doing ministry or fulfilling his purpose. I thought about how i feel so ordinary right now, and I feel like i have so many skills that i am just sitting on. And i am like God, what is with all this, when is my time going to come. Lets get cracking, i feel like I am in the meantime, between time. And others in my life that are struggle with figuring out what they are supposed to do and trying to find out their calling and use their gifts. I feel like so many people are pressed about it these days. And i go back to Jesus was an ordianry carpenter for 30 of his 33 years on earth. Can you imagine knowing that you came to change the world and have to sit on your power for 30 years. Anyway, it made me think that hey, my time will come, chill out, and maybe its just not an appointed time but a journey. And as my mother says "Enjoy the Journey"

The Old Woman and The Man with Itchy Feet

Today I was walking to the ATM and saw this man sitting on the side of the bank. He looked rather normal but potentially a vagrant. But, he had his feet exposed and was scratching them. My first thoughts: 1) his feet look gross 2) why does this crazy man have he feet out in public and why is he scratching them incessantly in public. I took a double take as I walked passed him to the ATM, and had to stop myself from beginning to stare. Anyway, as I waited for the person in front of me. A nice women came along and asked the man what was the problem with his feet and did he use anything to put on them.

Her - Do you put foot powder on anything on your feet
Him - the doctor's can't fix them
Her - do you have any powder on anything?
Him - No
Her - you wait right here and I will go get you something

She left, presumably to go to the CVS down the block to buy the man something for his feet.
I was so struck by the women's ability to stop and talk to the man and have concern for his foot problems (no stop and stare, or judge him in her head, or walk by in disapproval or indifference). That made me smile, like I had seen something supernatural. A little act of God. I was convicted that the only thing I cared to do was stair and walk by, and think about how gross his feet were. This women made me happy though, because I was in awe of her, because I thought, "that is what Jesus must be like." The type of person to stop on the road and meet peoples needs, immediately, when everyone else just walks by.

Block Party

We are having a block party in my neighborhood tomorrow. Which should be a cool event in which everybody on the block, all ages, come out and enjoy food, activities and fellowship. I remember block parties from when i was growing up, specifically at my cousins house. She lived on grant street. I would ride my bike to my cousins house almost everyday after school cause my aunt made the best iced tea i've ever had in my life. I would watch the disney afternoon cartoons every day there.

Anyway back to the block party. Everyone knows each other on grant street, cause parents grew up on the block and now their children play together. My family members have been living there for probably 40 years. Anyway, we would be waiting all summer for the block party. There would be a bbq's in everybodies front yard (hot dags, hamburgers, bbq chicken, fried fish, potatoe salad, cole slaw, ribs, corn on the cob, ices, juices, ice cream, et etc. oh and my favorite Shiash Kabobs, mmm. We had a stage and a DJ. I always remember us having a dance contest, doing the electric slide and the soul train line. They still have those block parties, which my whole family attends, but I am always out of town. So it will be nice to be at a block party tomorrow, it will remind me of a favored family event.

I'm Waking Up

For some reason, I woke up the other morning (i think it was thursday) and felt better. I had this interaction with this women at my job

lisa: how are you doing?
Me: Good actually, that is rare nowadays
lisa: why is that rare?
Me: I dont know, just havent had any especially good days.
lisa: well what makes a bad day?
Me: Nothing in particular, just feeling blah
lisa: Well its a choice then (on whether to have a good or bad day)
Me: hmmm

Thats a good question. I can have a super bad attitude when i want to, which ususally tends to sabotage my relationships, when i don't feel like being bothered.

On another note, i feel in a addressing some things head on that have been on my mind. Its so hard for me to address things, i would rather avoid them and forget about them. But, some things need to be confronted for our own sanity.

One - i feel like i need to talk to some folks at my old church to tell them i am thinking about rolling out or just discuss what and how i am feeling. I dont want to just disappear and i dont want it to be awkward, when i see them around town, and they are like wow where have you been. When and how? there in lies the question.

Two - I'm starting to come to terms how I feel about my father. Cause I never feel like dealing with him. And doing so annoys me, and i have been trying to figure out why. I came to the conclusion that it is because he acts like we have a relationship (and like he has dont so much for me), when in fact we dont. He has always been around, but more than some financial support, thats really all i can say is he is just around. I'm annoyed because he expects me to call him and invest in our relationship, which i feel is non-existant for the most part. I feel like i need to say: I dont really call you because i feel rather detached and distant from you. You have not been a consistent and big part of my life for most of it. I dont want to pretend like we have a relationship when, truly i dont feel like i know you and i dont feel like you know me. Lets just be honest. I am 25 and i really dont know what it is like to have a father and its hard to invest in something, that i am not used to being part of my life. We have had interactions all of my life, not a relationship. I'm willing to try, but we have to get rid of these false interactions and start from scratch. You getting to know me and vice versa.

My mother told me to pray for my father and after I thought about all this, i think i really sincerely did for probably the first time. I still have to tell him all this though, there in lies the hard part. I hate being confrontational. Pray for me to be courageous.

But I Am Still Thirsty

Yesterday at my bible study, (remember we are doing the beatitudes) we went over the verse; hunger and thirst for righteousness. I thought our leader asked two very good questions:

1- what do you hunger or thirst for in your life? I said i want to be special and I am obsessed with having it together, being on top of things and doing things well.

2- what is a sin(s) is plaguing your life and your relationship with God?

What was interesting about this bible study, is that we went around and confessed the sins that have been pressing on our hearts. Intense. Its so hard and humbling to confess your sin before other people. Its so scary to put yourself out there. Because your weaknesses become exposed for all to see. I think we all publically morned our sin yesterday. In a way i havent done before,
because admitting it to others and thinking about all the other ones i didnt confess, it made me ashamed, but moreso it made me hate the sin in my life, how it was corrupting me, and how it i felt it has and had controlled me. I've felt guilty and sorry for my sin before, but i've never hated it. I begin to hate it , because it was comming to light and i had to take ownership for it in front of others and even to myself. We are not accustomed to having our dark places and secret exposed. I never really think about being a sinful person. That s probably the problem.

Thank God that his grace is sufficient and i am already forgiven. I thank God that I am counted as righteous and I am not condemned for getting it wrong all day everyday or all to often substituting to other things to quinch my thirst. One of my counterparts said last night, "i'm sick of it."I am sick of so many specific sins in my life, and I realized that so many things i just dont have the power to change in and of myself. That just makes me mad, but want to know God more, because it is impossible to come into his presence and not be changed. In the mist of my sin, I am glad I can cling to the righteousness of Christ, because my own is but fifthy rags.

A Bag of Funk

Ok so i haven't blogged in a while. I am in a funk and i just dont have much to say these days. So maybe i will just try to verbalize how i am feeling

• Well i have a perpetual headache or just a stuffy head
• I feel all discombobulated, like i cant get my head on straight on focused
• I dont feel like doing anything, even talking
• I'm trying to figure out what i want to do, why i am in school, and if thats what i want to do
• I feel so inadequate at work, school, and in my relationships
• I feel very unspecial
• I feel rather dry (I had two of my friends tell me i was dry) lol. upon hearing. I was DEVESTATED, because i consider myself a funny person. Isn't it funny how we get mad at people for telling us something that is not the way we would have characterized ourselves at all.
• I've been on a hiatis from my home church for like 2 months, and have been visiting this other church that i really like ( i feel such freedom and like I am so much more myself there and the world just keeps speaking to where i am now), but i still feel guilty for rolling out on my other church. But then I was listening to somebody talk passionately about their church the other day, and i was like wow, I wish i could feel that same way about my home church, but i don't. I really like alot of the people though. And what does that mean about me, about how I'm made and where i need to be i dont know. Then i am like i should just stop being a flake and honor my committment as a member of my church. I dont know, i also dont want to be lame and just roll out the back door forever and have people wondering, "what happened to Spirit." Then again, i dont want to suck it up and just be miserable. I'm waiting for some clear direction from God, cause i dont really trust my judgement these days.
• I feel like i dont know is the answer to every question in my life right now
• I dont feel like doing any school work because i am disinterested, I've procrastinated all weekend and tomorrow is monday. A bunch of work to do and I dont know where to start.
• We started LQ(Ladies of Quality) this week, which is a bible study for teen girls in my neighborhood that i help lead. That went ok, man these girls kill me, cause they always complaining about something, but no matter how much they frustrate me, they are funny and i love hanging out with them so much. Its probably the most frustrating and fun i have all week. Then a few of them are always at my house or want a ride or some food or something, which is stressful at times, but its nice to feel needed or feel like i am helping someone.
• I've realized just how selfish I am among other things. And it kills me how there are so may things about me that i want to but just cant change overnight.

I Don't Feel So Saved Today

I am so not a poet, and this a very rough draft i never got to revisit, but i wrote this when i was in the middle of one of the hardest years of my adult life (two years ago) when i wanted to leave a program I was involved in. Its a struggle with what I know in my head to be true about who God and what i see around me and feel in my heart. Struggling with God

I Don’t Feel So Saved Today

I don’t feel so saved today
Saved from what? Saved from who?
Saved from this world
This world of hate, oppression, babies crying, children dying
Saved from this world
Black on black crime, non of us have a dime, so why are we fighting over two nickels
I don’t feel so saved today
Saved from what? Saved from who?
Saved from this world, saved from my self
My thoughts of hate for this system injustice that my white middle class counterparts perpetuate
This world that has black people free but in bondage, I said free but in bondage
We are in bondage to our own limitations, in bondage to our own perceptions, rejections, reflections of what we never knew we used to be, kings and queens are pimps and ho’s, nigga’s and bitches
Oh excuse my imperfections
I said I don’t feel so saved today
Today I feel like crying, I feel like dying
Cause we are all blessed but screwed, scrude, crude and downright rude
Abused, misused, oppressed, suppressed, repressed, distressed, a downright mess
Me too, I don’t feel saved so I must take my frustrations out on you
Or whoever will listen to my pain
Pain of distress for my troubles, the problems and struggles of my people, of the oppressed people of this world
I cant sleep at night, twisting and turning, dreaming awake of a reality that will never be so why even fake
I’m sure they don’t feel saved today
Saved from their dry and sorry ass realities
I should be happy, I’m one of fortunate ones, I mean I got clothes, food and shelter
So why do I feel so lacking, so empty, so useless, so full of hate, anger and pain
I wear this shit like a stain
Tell me what have I got to gain
Life and life more abundantly my savior would say
I believed that yesterday, no the day before but not today
I cant believe that anymore cause see my life is full of abundance and things, people and experiences
But I’m empty, But I’m angry and you know what
I don’t feel so saved today
Life and Life more abundantly is what my savior would say
But remember that I don’t feel so saved today
So today I say
Where are you God
While this is going on, are you in the dusk or dawn
Cause when we rise we rise to the same troubles of yesterday, so where are you today
When I don’t feel so saved
Are you in the air, in my bible, in my church, where are you,
Your words are you my head. Life and life more abundantly is what you would have said
But you know what in my soul I feel dead
No faith, no love, no patience, no goodness, no kindness
This tree aint got no fruit
I guess I’m one of those seeds that never took root
Today I’m on rocky ground, my thoughts are not sound
Oh there goes a tear, one drop for me, two for the troubles of the world
I want to be saved from the troubles of this world, done with the troubles of this world
I don’t feel so saved today
But I want to be saved today
Saved from this cruel world and saved from myself
I want to save this world today, I want to save myself today
Saved from what, saved from who?
I want to save this world today, I want to save myself today
But I cant
So what do I do when my world is gray, when I cant pray
I said I tried that yesterday
And today I feel the same way
But tomorrow is a new day, and maybe I don’t feel so saved today
And that’s ok, cause tomorrow is on its way
And there is just one thing I have left to say
And that is the one thing today that I am happy to say
That I was saved on the day that you gave you life away
And knowing that, I think I’ll still struggle but I’ll be ok.Life and life more abundantly is what I say today

The Fellows Program

I am totally self publishing, but since i feel like i have little to say, I'm giving yall some other stuff i've done. This is an article i wrote recently for my church about this program i did there two years ago. It was published today. I am not really a fan of this piece, but you got some good stuff, some ok stuff and some bad stuff. This is ok. Anyway its my reflections of a christian discipleship program i did from Sept 03-June 04, as i was trying to figure out whether i wanted to go to seminary. I'm not in seminary now, but this program was a circumstance that was pivitol in my walk and struggle with God.

Like most 20 something’s, I hadn’t figured out exactly what I wanted to do with my life or how to move forward in my faith. My search for guidance in this process lead me to the Trinity Fellows Program. Though all the components of the program: being discipled, mentored, working in the marketplace, living with a Christian family, being a leader in the youth group and seminary classes greatly appealed to me, there were a few things that concerned me. One- I was Baptist and didn’t know what Presbyterian was. Two - I figured Trinity Presbyterian Church was a predominately white, affluent and conservative congregation and I am none of the above, and Three- Charlottesville was a small town and I had spent the last few years prior in DC, Seattle and NY. What would I have in common with this group? I thought. What rang true in my heart then and now, is Christ. I decided to come to the fellows program as a challenge to my thoughts, personhood and faith and most of all to do something radical in the name of Christ. I began to ask myself: are you willing to follow Christ wherever he leads you? He lead me here, I was scared and I knew those 9 months would be a hard journey, but I also knew that it would probably change my life. And indeed it has. My year as a fellow was probably the most challenging year of my life. It was nothing less than a culture shock to be truthful. However, it was full of great experiences and has provided a foundation for which I can live for Christ. That time was full of invaluable lessons about calling, discipleship, service and community, all of which I would not have had unless I participated in the fellows program.

Calling – Helping to bring redemption to distressed urban areas was what God had placed on my heart, but I didn’t know how that would pan out. Through my work experience and relationship with my mentor, I discovered an interest in urban redevelopment and am currently pursuing a master’s degree in that area. This call is being worked out as I live in the Prospect Avenue neighborhood and am a part of what God is doing there through Abundant Life Ministries.

Discipleship -- What I yearned for most in my young faith was guidance from older Christians, and I can honestly say that I have never had as many mature Christians pour into my life and change my perspectives as in the fellows program. My favorite time was bible study with John and Cathy because of their warmth, honestly and ability to point us to Christ.

Service –As fellows we committed 9 months to pursuing a “mission greater than ourselves.” I was unsure of what that mission was at times. As I look back, I realize it’s a call to humility, loving sacrificially and allowing the Kingdom of God to dwell within us so that it can spill out and be the light to the world; at work, at home and in the hard places in our society. We fought the battle of being consumed with self in our service to one another, the youth and in tutoring Abundant Life children.

Community -- Community was a hard lesson for our group, it wasn’t easy, it wasn’t clean and wasn’t microwavable. We all got along well, but it took us almost half the year to break down our walls. Ultimately, we bonded in our prayers for one another, in our laboring together and on our retreats to places like the Faith and Work Conference in NY. In those 9 months, where I felt I had very little in common with those around me, I realized commonality with others by finding my identity in Christ. That was the beginning of an ongoing lesson on how to share my sin, my burdens and myself in a community of faith.

I wish I could say the fellows program was easy, and there weren’t times when I wanted to quit. I was out of my comfort zone and that challenged me to think through hard questions I will probably spend the rest of my life answering about my faith, my life, my identity, my career, my relationships and worldview. I learned how hard it really is to follow Christ, but how awesome it is to walk with God.

Baby in the Background

Random thought - I've been looking all around town for a calendar with some black people on it to no avail. That's annoying. The hoops you have to jump through to get some people that look like you on a calendar. I cant imagine how that is for Hispanic or Asian people, probably even harder to find. Then again I live in a small town, so I'm sure that would be easier elsewhere or easier if it was January and not August, but still.

A friend of mine was soooo funny last night. She was visiting another one of our friends who had a baby recently and has decided that kids were just not for her. She just couldn't deal with a baby screaming in her ear more often then not. She couldn't take it. After I finished cracking up I was thinking about motherhood and the sacrifice of self that is involved pretty much for the rest of your life. I once had a conversation with another one of my friends about parenthood and how not everyone is cut out for parenthood and rather then be a bad parent some people should just not have any kids (or just have pets). Or sometimes people have kids as accessories, and your career and whatever else you want to do with your life comes first and other people (teachers, day care people, friends and family) have more interaction in your child's life then you do. I don't really like little children and I always want to hang out with them for a short while then give them back to their parents. Its great being an aunt. And everytime I hang with my niece or nephew or am around people with kids, I am like, I don't want any kids and am sure glad I don't have any.

Anyway, like my friend I've decided that I am not ready (i.e. selfless) enough to want kids at the moment. I am sure that will change, but there is nothing that seems cool about having a baby right now, other then the idea of family. But for now I thank God for my singleness and the ability to only be responsible for myself. PRAISE!!!

Sporadic Ramblings

Hey folks,

I know I have been posting sporadically lately and yall miss me. Sorry, school was getting started, my internet is broke at home(another tree fell on my house, and i could have sworn was going to crash into my room) and they have banned us from using the internet at work( some people were downloading games, music and playing solitare all day and others like me were blogging), so I havent had much of a chance to blog.

Well, lets see, for updates:

I went to a wedding in Mississippi a couple of weeks ago. I friend of mine that I did this fellowship/church program last year got married. And we were not even close, but for some reason 3 or 4 months ago i told one of my other fellow fellows i would drive 14 hours with her to go. And i am glad i went, one, because weddings are so special. Two because it was good to see these two together and getting married after some years of uncertainty in their relationship. And three i needed a break from my current city and 14 hours in a car is time enough to think straight. So it was fun. Good food, good fellowship.

Then last week i went home. Which was good too. I love my family. I remember at one time i was obsessed with everything my family was not, and their flaws and I think I enjoy them so much now because I am learning to just love people and enjoy them and accept them for who and what they are. So i had fun with my neice who is 2, cute, smart and funny and everyone swears it my twin. And nephew who is crazy and 9, i just dont know what to do with 9 year old boys, he is too much, but a cute kid too. I love the memories, stories and indiocynrancies that are unique to my family and growing up. I went by all the houses i used to live in in both queens and LI and just was remembering those memories and how time has flown by and family and ralationships have changed. Being home made me want to be home more and be a part of my family more and bring more of us together. Cause they will be my family forever, when friends and aquantances are long gone. Shout out to the Waldens, Sheltons, Grays and Douglas's. In the words of Jill Scott, "Oh Oh Oh, What can you say, Its FAMILY"

Anyway, I think i am comming to the end of myself, which is the beggining of God. I'm in a funk, my life is lame, I am bored, and I think I am the problem. I cant and don't want to do me as i have been doing as of late and alot of my life. Its time for a change. I need a revival, a breakthrough and all that jazz. You know what i have been insane. Doing the same thing and expecting different results. But anyway, i don't know what the change will be, its a process. I'll keep yall updated. Maybe it's just a decision not to be miserable or more importantly a decision to be content and grateful. I could definately use a couple of doses of that.

Aight, I'm out.

Its been a long time...

Sorry fellow readers,

"Its been along time, I shouldn't a left you, without a dope beat to step to, step to, step to."

A tree fell on my house for the second time this summer so my internet is out. It was crazy, I thought it was going to crash into my room. And we have this crazy virus at work so it has left me unable to communicate via the web.

Went to a wedding in Mississippi this weekend. Weddings are nice, its nice to see people in love making a life long commitment to each other. That was only my second wedding, probably because black people don't get married.lol.

I don't have anything else good to say today, shocker huh. School starts in a week, I'm getting excited. I can use a change of pace, 9-5 is not all its cracked up to be. And i have a new housemate to get to know, she's cool. Getting to know people is so fun, you ever have goal friends, people you intentionally pursue. Isn't that fun. Its also fun to allow people to get to know you, i have more trouble with that and sharing my true self, but just in case yall were wondering, I am my favorite subject. lol

Oh I was at my bible study yesterday, and we looked at the scripture verse in the beatitudes: "blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." What does it mean to be pure in heart? I guess an undivided heart that is truly after God, as opposed to full of impurities and after other false God that we all have. I thought of the verse, where God says he wants to take out our hearts of stone and give us a heart of flesh. Anyway we did a heart inventory, and before we even started writing I knew there was all kinds of craziness going on in my heart, mainly selfishness and self-centeredness and that manifest itself in so many different ways. My heart often hurts for the internal battle going on for my allegiance (or maybe that's just heart burn) lol. Anyway, check it out people: what is the state of your heart?

For those of you like me with a heart that is not in pure, I offer this one verse, as neither you nor I can purify our own hearts:

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me."

I bet yall are sick of my scripture verses. Oh well...Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Most of the time, as yall know, I am focused on the vicissitudes of my life, but sometimes, I got to give my creator the spotlight.

Pressing towards the Mark

My heart is full of sorrow this morning because I had to say goodbye this morning to one of my housemates who is moving across country to go back to school. I've had such a great year getting to know her and I'm really going to miss her presence in my life. Knowing her has changed me, its made me want to be more of who Christ is. She is one of those people who allows you to be you, but makes you want to change. I'm going to miss how she is loud when she walks, how she loves ice cream,I'm going to miss our deep conversations while she is brushing her teeth and the way she talks about Jesus, and most of all I'm going to miss her love, presence and leadership in ministering to the teen girls in our neighborhood. I cant imagine how our bible study time will go without her there. Yikes! These girls are a tough crowd.

A few weeks ago, we had a big party for her going away. With a tent, band, food and the whole 9. She has had a particularly hard time coming to terms with leaving because she is so tied to our neighborhood and the relationships she has made and they ways she has been changed. It was so evident by the people there, the words that were spoken and the lives that have been changed by her, that she is a rather unique person. What I find most unique is the way she loves God and the way she loves people. If it is really true sometimes, that we (Christians) may be the only Jesus some people see, I think she does a good job of showing people Jesus. And I think that is the ultimate beauty about my housemate, she knows Jesus, loves Jesus, and wants to show people Jesus and loves people with his Love like I have never really seen before. And she does it in such a meek, humble, warm and gentle way. She is totally talented in so many ways and not concerned with that, but concerned with Jesus and helping others. It kind of reminds me of Paul and I'm always so impressed.

But anyway she is leaving this afternoon, and I know it will be a hard afternoon as she drives away from our house, neighborhood and all of her relationships. But I am so happy and excited for her, just to see what God will do in her life through this new experience. How he will outdo himself, because he always does even in the hard times. I read something this morning that in summary said, if you really believe that your God is who he says he is, then go. (it said something like that) Moving towards what God has for us, even if it is hard, is perfecting our faith and its beautiful. I love when people follow God, it makes me believe him even more and want to follow him whole heartedly. We may have to leave everything we know and love to follow God, but he only wants to perfect and refine us in new ways we can't even conceive of. So I just pray that my housemate, and even myself, would grab hold of, delve into and fully experience that new things God is doing in our lives, even if its hard or uncomfortable. Our purpose and calling is to follow Christ and be about the business of God and not our own agenda. So I will miss my housemate so very much, and there will be a missing place in my life, but I know this morning was just see you later and I am sad, but I know we have more of this lifetime and all of eternity to be friends. But all in all she has challenged me to love people better, cling to God more, be about his business and long for his redemption in my life and in the lives of those I love. That's unique, and I love how the source of her love, strength and character is Christ, and that has made all the difference in her life and relationships. The impact of the love of God is so profound and transforming. God who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ask of or imagine by His power at work within us. So this morning I am thinking about allowing God's power and love to be at work within us, loving sacrificially and the sacrifice of following Christ. Sacrifice is hard, but the gain of knowing Christ is indeed priceless. I love God's word and how it is the truth, so i must share it with you this morning as I think upon these things.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." --Galatians 5:1

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. --Isaiah 43:18-19

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.... --Philippians 3:8

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus
--Philippians 3:13-14

A Master of None

I'm tired this morning. Mostly because I stayed up strumming on my guitar. Its been collecting dust for a while. I started playing the guitar about 2 1/2 years ago and only really passionately pursued playing for about 6 months. Life kind of gets in the way. So I have been delinquent for about 2 years. But some folks at my job were just jamming in the office after work and it made me want to pick up my guitar. I was about to leave work the other day and I hear music, and on my way out I follow it and come up on 4 of my coworkers, one including my director (my office is full of cool folks) just jammin. My office mate plays the fiddle too, I saw her play yesterday. I went to a blue grass concert last weekend, and I am not even into blue grass, but it was fun to see people showcasing their talent and in their element. So I picked up my guitar last night trying to remember some of the few chords and trying to remember some songs I learned. It was relaxing, but I am sure I wont pick it up for another year, especially since school is starting. But it was nice to remember, and to even look forward to a year or so down the line, when I could pursue it again more fully and learn to play well. That thought is exciting. But for now I am trying to loan it to my friend so that it wont collect dust, while I am pre-occupied. Isnt it funny how so many things in our life that we were passionate about at one point just get put to the side and begin collecting dust. I wish I had one thing that I would have stuck to and mastered. Something I specialized in or a natural talent that was cultivated. I'm a generalist though and I get bored easily and move to the next thing. A person who knows a little bit of this and little bit of that. Or as my mother would say "A jack of all trades and a master of none"

Just one foot in front of the other

I dont use and alarm clock, because I dont need one. My eyes pop open almost every morning about 6:15. Most of the time, mostly weekdays, i lay there with my eyes closed wishing i didnt have to get up so soon. Every monday morning I wake up and wish it could be friday evening again. I close my eyes and clinch them real tight as if that would zap me back in time. I awoke this morning saddened and afraid. Saddened that another day, weekend, and year had flown by and all of my happy moments were just memories. I cant do it over again, its over. I remember just this time last year. When i have these moments i always feel like clamering for more time, another hour, another day to my weekend, to redo and experience again some of my happy moments. Then I was afraid, afraid of what is to come. My summer is almost over, school will be starting, new schedule, responsibilities, new people, relationships and new moments, both good and bad. I'm scared of what those new moments will bring, afraid and unsure of how i will face them. I feel like i can't do whatever it is the future will bring. I almost did not want to put my feet on the floor, because that would solidify my movement into the future and the official start to my day. For some strange reason, today i felt like i felt on the first day of school up until 12th grade. This lump in my throat, because its here again, the new begginning. This morning I felt like its here again, my life, and i cant deny it or go back to sleep or act like i'm on a detour or long vacation, waiting for it to begin, its here and it was scary. My mom always says just put one foot in front of the other. There is nothing particularly special about today, but this is it and I am here and I did all i could do this morning, get up and put one foot in front of the other.

Coming Home....

I am feeling good this morning. For no apparent reason, I feel like today will be a good day. I still had to drag myself out of bed, threw on my a nice ensemble, made me an egg, drank my OJ and Metamucil (I got stomach issues), drove to work half way, parked and walked the other half and now I am at my desk listening to the smooth jazz station at work. By in which I am super happy that some information that i thought I was going to have to do a load of work to get has been provided to my by another organization. Praise!!!

Anyway, I had a decent day yesterday. Just the same ole really, work, took a power nap, made me dinner, went swimming, then lifted some weights. Then I got home and chatted with my housemates for a few hours. That's by in large the best thing about living with people, spontaneous congregation and conversation. I think that is what I have enjoyed about living with 4 other women, sharing life together. We always congregate in the Kitchen (which is funny because we have a big living room and dining room we never use except for company really). We talk about life, our days, our friendships and relationships, our struggles, and joys. We often share meals, eat sweets, (there are always some communal sweets, currently some brownies and cookies waiting in the kitchen), workout, pray, watch movies, hangout and drink wine on our balcony together. But, we all have our own private space, food, lives and friends. You can probably go a week with out really seeing one or two of them. I had this thing where I used to ask the question of the day, but now that has subsided. I will post a blog of all the questions I have asked them if I can remember.

Anyway, its been good getting to know each one of them, and living with them because we are so different and get along so well (we barely even have disagreements). One of my housemates, is super engergetic, she is always doing something and going somewhere, zooming in or zooming out. She likes a challenge and is adventurous. When she comes in the house she always has bags that she plops down on the dining room table. She is most likely to want to do something fun or get you pumped about something. She is a good people person. Another one is a super introvert, who I thought was in her room way too much when I first moved in, but as soon as we had our first real conversation I know was someone I wanted to get to know. We always have good conversations while I am standing in her doorway or watching her brush her teeth in the bathroom. She surprisingly makes alot of noise when she walks, kind of boom, boom. She is most likely to have a heartfelt conversation with and make you want to know Jesus more. Another one of my housemates, I have known for almost two years now, she is a stickler for organization, cleanliness and boundaries. She probably knows me the best and is not super adventurous but is someone you can just chill with. She cares for me well, and is most likely to come into my room just to see how I am doing. She walks slow and soft up the stairs. My other housemate is just rather a simple person, not hard to please, traditional, wants to be a mom and wife. She is also a busy body, and is always out doing something. She is also quite loquacious and has no problem sharing her day with you. She announces herself when she gets home. She is most likely to make rounds and visit everyone's room in the house to chit chat or just most likely to chit chat.

And what would they say about me. Probably that I am fun, funny and honest. That I make an effort to get to know people. I dont know what else, but I hang my keys and go straight to the kitchen when I come home and probably walk slow.

And they would probably want to me to comment on what it is like living with 4 white girls. MMMMMmmmmmmmm. Different in an cool way. I enjoy them alot and they are easy to live with. Our house is peaceful, and I like going home and being home. I would say that there is much less drama and personality clashes then I have ever had living with anybody else. PRAISE!!! Mostly though, I think that black people in my life talk about different things, or maybe just talk about things differently and have different life experiences, and probably eat and cook differently, cultural differences. But one of my housemates can put her foot up in some mac and cheese though. They are alot less loud, crazy, dramatic, confrontational and humeroursly inappropriate then I am used to by living with BP's, sometimes I miss that, sometimes its refreshing, but most of the time I get enough of that from the teens i hang out with. But i love my housemates for how they are different from each other, different from me and have a different life experiences from me.

But anyway, this year has taught me alot about community, within the body of Christ (all my housemats are Christians), within a house and within a neighborhood. My neighborhood is what you might call "the ghetto," but its pretty cool. I know some of my neighbors, a bunch of kids and whats going on in my neighborhood. Especially since its summer time, there are always people out and about or just chilling in their front yard, waving to me when I go by. And I have enjoyed being known and getting to know people. I think I have learned more about myself by being in community and having people pour into my life and me pouring into theirs. And mostly, I like coming home and seeing 4 other cars parked in the driveway. When I am tired I can go straight to my room,lie down and close the door and when I want to share, laugh or hangout I have 4 other people to share myself and my life with. Either way, I love coming home. That's why I am excited about today, after work I don't have any plans and I am just going home.

Growth and Change

One of my friends always tells me to shut up when I start talking about how we are getting old, how time has flew and how in 5 years we will be ___ in ten years___.

I always do that, but I was at one of my friends baby shower the other day, and I was thinking, Wow, one of my friends is married with a baby. We are getting old. I remember when I first met her, she was one of the first people I met at college 7 years ago and now she has a son. But the beauty is being able to see each other through our processes of growing, metamorphosis, our valley's and mountaintop, and watching each other become new people and do new things. Longevity in friendship is cool, whether to talk once a day or once a year. Two of my other friends are in the process of buying homes, and three have bought their first and trying to stock up investment properties. Homebuying, car buying, responsibility, jobs, careers, we are getting older, or maybe just better. It was cool, because at my friends baby shower, it was like a bit of a reunion of people i went to college with, and I got the updates(on hair, jobs, relationships, school, etc). Its good to see though, everybody getting more mature, looking different and pressing on in life.

I walked by my reflection the other day, and got the realization that wow, I am an women, not a kid, a teen or a girl. And i am like when did this happen. lol.
Anyway, I am not even really old, rather young, still wet behind the ears, trying to figure myself out, but its good to stop and take note of your own progression, phases and stages as well as those around you. Far from where we started out, far from where we want to be, life is a process.

Whatever does not grow is dead and the only thing constant is change. So I embrace them both, growth and change, cause life is a process and we will remain a Work in Progress.

I remember when: i had a major attitude, when i cursed 24/7, when God was not even a factor in my life, when i had few friends, when i had straight hair, when I was 40 lbs heavier and 15 lbs lighter than i am now, when i was poorer, when i was unable to tell people I loved then, when my friends described me as a stoic, when I was quiet, when all i wore was jeans and a t-shirt, when i never ever wore skirts or earrings, when i thought i wanted to be a teacher, advertiser, preacher, when i couldn't drive (well i still cant do that very well), when my favorite food was buffalo wings, when I stopped eating fried foods and sweets, when i exercized 4-6 days a week, when I didnt drink starbucks, when all I talked about was God, when i played the guitar, when i talked to certain people everyday, the times when I stopped speaking to others, when i was obsessed with time and scheduling everything and making lists, when i was nonchalant about everything....and the list goes as I continue to grow and change!!!

Its aint about you....

I was just thinking, randomly,

How most people don't want to truly follow God, they want God to follow them. Thus, they want the blessings, provision, protection and comfort of God when they need it or are going through a particular situation they want God to be by their side and carry them through. We want God in our corner, who wouldn't. We want God to bless our will, our plans and conform to our image of what God should be like. When really it does not work that way. We should be following God, conforming to his image and allowing him to direct our paths and plans. (Out of our great love for him and in response to His great love and grace toward us) Following God, seems abstract, confusing, costly at times, its radical, and not comfortable, it requires self-discipline and obedience, but it's a wonderful and amazing thing to walk with God. However, its a realization that we are not in control (HE is) and he wants to supersede all of the things that we hold near and dear.

Its easier to believe Christ is real and true and in fact is God, but harder to allow him to be Lord over your life. In this respect, you are his, he has called you, and your main existence is to model him, follow him and be used for His purposes. I think I am more committed to myself and to trying to carry out my purposes and asking God's blessings, then following God and His purposes for my life. But if I really believed God is God, and knows more than I could ever know and ultimately has my best interest in hand, then following him might be easier. But most of that time I really don't believe that, there in lies the problem. Anyway, I think as soon as we really know that it aint about us is the sooner and easier it will be to walk with God and enjoy his presence and guidance. That's a wonderful thing, cause he is a wonderful God.

Can you imagine that the God of the universe, who breaths life into being by one word, and has the power of life and death in his hands, wants to be your friend and have a personal relationship with you, and you are acting shady. lol. the absurdity of that makes me laugh. Joshua, when talking to the perpetually shady, wavering, and idol worshiping Isrealites says "choose this day whom you will serve." (yourself and your manmade Gods or the one true God). My hope is that I can say more often than not, "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

Remember them Dayz

Me and a few of my friends were reminiscing on how back in the dayz(early 90's) we used to record music videos from TV (MTV(yo, MTV RAPS),VHI, anyone remember video music box?) and make a tape of our favorite songs by recording them off the radio. lol. You had to pay attention and stop recording right at the end of the song, so you wouldn't get the commercial or the Dj on your tape.

I remember when me and my friends started chewing gym, and carrying it religiously in middle school, big red was the move. I even remember when winterfresh came out. You had to have that.

I remember when Arizona iced tea and mistics (they were in a wine cooler type bottle, I thought I was grown)first came on the cool drinks scene.

I remember the Batman, Africa and Malcolm X medallions we used to rock back in the day.

Remember Acid wash jeans. Wow!!!

Remember the Wop, the running man, Roger Rabbit, the cabbage patch and the kid -N-play.

Remember, side ponnytails, flat tops, bowl cuts, jerry curls and big bangs. And pink sponge rollers. Remember boys wearing parts, eyebrows with 3 slits and gumby hair cuts. lol.

Remember Jodeci, Criss Cross, ABC, BBD, Hi Five and Boyz to Men.

If anyone else has some remember when moments, feel free to add to the list of 80's/90's cultural memories.

How far do I go to serve God?

Thought of the Day

How far do I go to serve God?

The Crisis in African-American Families

I just read this article on the Crisis in African-American families due to father loss. Two thirds of black babies are born out of wedlock, its an epidemic. (JoiDoe did a good take on the baby mama drama) Why don't black people get married? One I think its the decline of marriage in general, but you know how black people are more adversely affected by most things. But more specifically this article points out the there are two main explanations:

1- At the low-income end, the disproportional incarceration, unemployment and early death of black men make them unavailable for marriage.

2- At the upper-income level, black women are far more likelier than black men to complete high school, attend college, and earn professional credentials that would render then "eligible" for marriage.

The article points out the fatherless boys become ineligible as husbands. This is true, if you have never had a father or seen a husband, you don't have anything to emulate. So their solution is marriage promotion. I have no problem with marriage promotion, but in this case it does not fully address the problem. Lack of available men and ineligible men. And marriage doesn't change the socio-economic pressures in the black community.

We did this series with teen girls on sex and marriage, talking about waiting until marriage. But the whole point is, they don't want to get married, not because they think marriage ultimately is a bad thing, but because most of the relationships they have seen are messed up and the men are abusive, unfaithful or lack ambition. Being married to them is probably another step into being totally attached to a messed up situation. Who wants to marry a loser. Who wants to encourage unhealthy marriages. I'm sorry but some people in these relationships don't need to get married, they need to either break up or one or more of the people need a major change. I think we also need to also promote positive images of manhood, instill values in young men and equip them to be more available (ie. Not in jail or dead) and eligible (education) inside and outside the home so that they will be good husbands (and wives for that matter). Young black men and women need to learn how to interact with one another with love and respect (it aint all about sex), have respect, standards and goals for themselves before they even think about entering into a covenant before God. But anyhow, at least somebody is taking a stab at the baby-mama phenomena, cause it aint cute and its killing our culture.

In the Mist of Change

I had a chance to talk to some teens yesterday from my church (middle class, white, conservative) and neighborhood (low-income African American area) who are on a mission trip to my neighborhood about why I have chosen to live there and what has been my experience and what have I gained/received my living there.

I was at the county assessors office yesterday for my job and I saw an advertisement for the Development I lived in last year as part of this program at my now church. Which is a rich gated community with a golf course, lake, equestrian and country club on the grounds. I was the only black person there, and all you saw was luxury vehicles, people walking for exercise, people walking their dogs, and random waving at people you don't know. And my house was cool, nice new house, central AC, crystal clean and literally everything there was white. Everybody in the house had their own bathroom, including me, a pantry and fridge full of food, a dishwasher, and I never had to cook a meal and didn't even have to wash my own clothes if I didn't want to and it was soo quiet and peaceful. It really was the closest thing I have ever seen to leave it to beaver. Not that there is anything wrong with were I lived, it was "da bomb Gina", but I was absolutely miserable, not because it wasn't great and my host family weren't nice. It was just too, two kids, a dog and a white picket fence for me. It was just not my reality, that was too far removed from the reality of brokenness in the world for me. I am just used to more struggle then that and yearned to be in a place where sin, struggle and brokenness were more visible. Weird, I know, I just don't want to live in a false reality, when the world actually is a horrible place. I would rather be in the process of changing that, then chillin in a country club ignoring or trying to escape that. I am totally more comfortable with the dysfunctionality of people then normality. And plus, I needed to be around some more black folk, I just couldn't identify.

So now I live in this low-income African American neighborhood to be in a place with alot of visible problems to be a part of Gods plan to renew and redeem those things that seem lost and situations and circumstances that seem beyond repair. I love that. I live with 5 people, with only one bathroom, have no AC in our house (I wouldn't wish that on anybody). 30% of the people are living below poverty, single parenthood and teen pregnancy is just the norm and very few people go to college. Its such a stark contrast to my life and neighborhood last year, but I love it. This is where I feel more at home, because these are some of the things I was used to growing up, this place is a bit of a reflection of who I am. I just want help other people realize their true potential and strive for all that God made them to be. And really and truly I have been more blessed and renewed than anybody else, I've been loved more than I have loved and felt a sense of community. A community of we are all together in the struggle of life. I think being around brokenness and people with crazy situations makes me hope for the possibilities of Christ's redemptive work more, and I need that. But it is also hard for me, because I went to college as to escape the reality of financial struggle, and all of the problems that come along with that, but here I am again, to be a in the mist of thing I was initially trying to get away from by getting an education. However, hanging out with my kids gives me a sense fo familiarity because I have been or know people who have been where they are. And they bring so much joy to my life, because they are funny like my family and remind me of all the great times I have had in the mist of my life and struggles and its good to see them have a great time in the mist of their struggles . I think my neighborhood would be the kind of place Jesus would be, he was always hanging out with people who other people did not want to come into contact with, (yeah in THAT part of town) as if their problems would dirty and cloud their clean lives. And he always offered himself. That's what I want to do, offer Jesus, offer hope for a better tomorrow and be in the mist of positive change in a place where that seems almost impossible to see the ways in which God will work a miracle.

Fun and Entertaining?

I was going through my blogs and I realized, I come across way more serious and intense than I am most of the time, or it just depends in which capacity you know me I guess. Or how I am feeling, I'm rather moody. I am feeling more pensive and serious lately. Some people know me as being very chill, quiet and serious, other people think I am loud, crazy and funny. I suppose I am both. One of my kids told me the other day that I am fun and entertaining. I suppose that was a compliment but, I don't relish in the fact that someone thinks I am entertaining, that kind of annoys me. Clowns, shows and events are entertaining. That just means people don't take you seriously. That's not what I want people to say at my funeral: "She was fun and entertaining" I like to laugh a lot though, like knock out drag out, you have to laugh out loud funny, my kids make me laugh out loud, they are funny, my family is hilarious and my GT friend are crazy. When we get together we always have what we call a Shuckfest, just jokes. Most of which arent funny to other people, but funny because we have so many internal jokes and crazy situations that we think are funny. I'm talking about rolling on the floor, you have to slap somebody funny. I don't think there is anything I like better than laughing, because I laugh at myself more than anything, and I laugh at things that I cracked up at in the past just walking down the street. Laughing allows me to not take myself or life too seriously, because I am often thinking about deep and intense things, or just thinking period. I walk down the street and almost every day somebody is like, "Smile," cause i look mean. Most of the time, I am not mad or sad or mean, just in my own head. But anyway laughing brings me out of the mess of my own head, to the joy of reality. So if you every want to change my mood or break the ice of my melancholy self, make me laugh.

Made for another world

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.

—C.S. Lewis

To whom can we go?

I know it's been a couple of days, I was writing yesterday but the power at my job kept going out, I attempted to finish 4 times, but took that as a sign. Anyway I am rather unfocused so i cant really focus enough to write on a specific topic. I am tired today, had my last swimming lesson yesterday. I dont know about swimming, but i can move across the water doing something, if the water is less than 5 feet though (i.e.) i can stand up in it. All other depths i will panic and drown. lol. I will have to take another class.

Anyway here is a Daily Devotional I came across on The Upper Room website . Its a reminder of our need for community. What do you do when you are desperate?

Desperate

Read Acts 2:42-47

Peter answered, "Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
-John 6:68-69 (NRSV)

I was desperate. Every morning I woke up and tried to make life "work." I showered, pulled on my trousers, and ate my cereal. Out in the world, I made my own way, without giving thought to God. I understood the way to fellowship with God through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. But still I labored on my own to make life work.

Then a crisis arose. An area of secret sin became known. I could not deal with this by my own efforts, and I felt trapped by tight fingers of shame.

God never intended it to be this way. Reading through the Bible, I saw that God wants us to have life and that we find the life of God within a community of faith. I reached out to Christian friends who loved me despite my sin. Through knowing them, I came to realize that life doesn't work without God's love expressed through the community of God's people. This love brings life even in the midst of sin's death grip.

Trying to live on my own, apart from the body of Christ, brought me to despair. I now find life with others who desperately seek Christ -- together.

Jim Jannotti (Pennsylvania, U.S.A.)

Prayer
Thank you, God, for giving us life in Christ and for allowing us to share it with others. Amen.

Thought of the Day
We find the way to life in fellowship with God's people

Understanding Black Power

"What we need is Black power!" "a call and response that echoe[d] as a speaker ask[ed] 'What do you want?' and the crowd respond[ed]'Black Power!'" Unlike the older leadership of the civil rights movement, younger people questioned whether the acquisition of Black rights depended on the good will of Whites.The Black power movement emphasized self-definition and self-determination more than integration in addition to Black ownership and control in black communities. They felt that injustice is not merely the unfairness in racial discrimination but the absence of power to define their success and make it happen. The founders of the Black Power movement were sick of asking for it. "Black Power liberated Black people to say for themselves what they wanted with the expectation that only they could deliver the outcome." They demanded a chance to do things themselves, sucess at their own hands relayed more dignity and self definition to the community that they could no longer ask for from white society. LEGACY Understanding the Black Power Movement 40 Years Later is an exhibit that explores the Black Power movement and some of its benefits. Go through the site it is excellent.

The Black power movement always gets a bad rep and is associated with radicalism and indeed some of that that may be true, but the some of the principles they stood for and progress the movement ignited are neccessary for the empowerment and advancement of black people in the U.S. I dont mean standing on a soap box yelling "Cracker this and Cracker that" or hating white people, even Malcolm moved away from his "white devil" antics in his later years. But, I wonder whether the empowerment of Black people in the U.S. still ultimately depends on the good will of Whites. And a part of me has a problem with that, because at some measure that perpetuates paternalism. Because in a sense we still have to ask White society to give us what we deserve and restore us to our rightful state as dignified human beings. In the 21st century where racial discrimination is less prevelanct and an institutionalized racism is the foundation of our society, what black people still lack is power, ownership, wealth, self-definition and self determination. Justice to me not only means that black people ceast to be second class citizens, but they are on equal footing with Whites and there is not a inherant disproportion of power, resources, opportunities and ownership. The civil rights movement was essential, crutial and very beneficial, but I dont think most people realize some of the negative ramifications of integration on the black community along.

So my question is in the 21st century where I feel we need both the essence of Martin (blacks and whites working together) and Malcolm (black dignity, power and ownership) how is that possible? How do we both strengthen inter and intra group dynamics at the same time? I think there are so many issues that need to be resolved and redefined in and by the black community to counteract 400 years of indoctrination and internalized oppression. And that includes rejecting the notion of whiteness as a social construct and the white superiority that has been blatantly and subconsciously feed to all of society. The importance of that CANT be ignored. Unfortunately that may look like, but does not at all mean rejecting white people. I also believe that whites should have a part in the effort in fighting against racism, injustice and institutionalized racism and need to be co-laborers with blacks. White by-in is necessary. However what the black community still needs, and I think that whites can agree is "Power." --- absence of power to define their success and make it happen is crippling and it is apparent in our nations statistics of Black Americans today.